Lately I have realized (or perhaps re-realized) how lonely I am for significant relationships in my life. My decision to leave Winnipeg for Abbotsford has been overwhelmingly positive. And yet. And yet, I cannot deny the sacrifice I made in leaving my community there. I use the word community intentionally; I'm not speaking of the city or neighborhood I lived in, rather the community of people I belonged to. And belong is the key word.
I miss belonging to a group of people.
I miss the peace that comes with spending time with people you know want to spend time with you.
I miss knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am accepted, flaws and all.
I miss never having to wonder if I will sit home alone on Friday night (unless I've chosen to do so).
I miss community.
My job came with an instant community, but I have an urge to call it "faux community." There are definite instances of true connections, true communities being formed, but in reality, work community is different from life community. I miss life community - literally, those people you just do life with.
A good friend of mine has this type of community and this has become his "church." It's not church in the same way we normally think of, but I cannot deny that this group of people is truly a church community. And I desperately want to be a part of it. My eyes fill with tears and my heart fills with longing when I observe the community shared between these people.
It's shocking how the lack of belonging, and the subsequent longing that comes from observing others who have what you want, quickly throws you into a strange, scary and sad state of discomfort. Insecurities I thought I had long since dealt with have resurfaced with surprising force.
Am I cool enough to be friends with these people?
Do they really want to spend time with me or are they simply taking pity on me?
Am I pretty enough?
Am I skinny enough?
Am I smart enough?
Am I enough?
I'm not used to being on the outside. I'm not used to worrying about finding acceptance from people anymore. I'm thrown back to early college days when I was so eager to find the "lifelong friends" that we are promised as a result of Bible School that I alienated people with my neediness. Am I still that needy? Have I really not changed in the past 10 years?
I have, of course. I now understand that deep friendships take time. I understand that deep friendships have ups and downs, but the downs aren't usually the end of the road. I understand that deep friendships create, and perhaps need, space for silence.I understand that deep friendship does not mean you have to agree on everything, rather that you are able to have honest, open conversations about life, love, faith, and everything in between. Deep friendship is about walking through life together.
Life without deep, significant friendships is hard. And lonely. It's where I am right now (although perhaps it's changing?). And while it's uncomfortable and painful at times, I'm ok with it (for a short period of time), because it reminds me that I am real, that I am human, that there is meaning to the life I am living, that I have worth, that I have needs and that those needs are ok, and that there are probably others who are in this place too.
