Quarter Life Crisis

So I turned 25 yesterday. I have always really loved having birthdays; for someone who is usually quite content to stay out of the spotlight, I love being the special one for a day. I also love turning a year older. I have always had a habit of not really saying my true age. Like when I'm asked how old I am, I will usually say something like "turning 24 this year" or whatever age is appropriate. I don't know why. I think it's a combination of things. I'm the youngest child and have always wanted to be seen as equal to my older siblings instead of the little sister, so I always wanted to be older than I was. Also my birthday is late in the year so I am usually the youngest out of all my friends. Again, wanting to be equal to everyone else. Wow, does anyone else sense this underlying self-conciousness about being the youngest? Good goodness.

Anyways, all that to say, I've been eyeing my looming 25th birthday with some trepidation. I don't know what I expected life to look like at 25. I do remember saying that I wanted to be done having kids by 25 because I had heard somewhere that that lowers your chance of uterine cancer or something (seriously, what 10 year old thinks of these things?! Me, apparently.) And so here I am, 25 and not only have I not started having kids, they are nowhere on the horizon (which is actually really ok....so not ready for them at this point).

I dunno, there were definitely a few "Holy crap! I'm 25!" moments yesterday and it still feels a little odd, but it's not totally the crisis I anticipated. I thought that I would really have a hard time if there was no guy in my life, if marriage wasn't at least on the distant horizon, but I'm pretty content right now. I'm not convinced that I'm in the right place for a relationship right at this moment (I reserve the right to change my tune if someone comes along, fyi). So really, I'm just going to keep living my life, enjoying what God has provided me with and following where He leads me.

Oh and my other goal this year is to consistently answer "I'm 25" when people ask me my age. None of this "turning 26 this year" business. Because, let's face it, it's just a downhill slide to 30 from here and eeghads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Church Joy

When I was a kid I kinda hated church. It was really boring, Sunday School sucked and I eventually reached an age where I wasn't allowed to bring books or fall asleep on my dad's arm anymore.

We went to church every single Sunday. Yeah, we were one of those families. My parents were always super involved, both in our particular church and in the larger conference our church belonged to. I remember my dad going to many, many evening meetings.

Then my dad became a pastor when I was 15. So then we actually had to relocate because of church. Man, I hated it. The church we moved to was nothing like the one I had grown up in and I did nothing but resent it for three solid years, until I could hightail it outta there to Bible School. And even in college I really only went to church because everyone else was. But I sure spent my fair share of Sunday mornings with Pastor Pillow, if you know what I'm saying.

When I returned to Manitoba after Bible School I went church hunting. For a year I attended one with a Bible School friend and even though I got a little bit involved, never really settled into it. Once I moved out with friends I started going to their church. And still, while I found a large group of friends and even a boyfriend, I had a hard time settling. I was unhappy with the pastor's preaching style, judged the worship teams. What a brat. Seriously.

Finally I started getting involved. I joined a worship team. I became a youth sponsor. I started worship leading. I did a pastoral internship. And then I realized "I'm settled."

I have grown to deeply love my church and my church family. Through my internship I got to know so many people, all different age groups. I particularly love our seniors. They're a riot. I began to appreciate our pastor and his wealth of wisdom. I love getting up on Sunday mornings to go to church because I love worshipping there and I love the people I worship with. What a gift.

This is the first church that I have ever called my own. Growing up I just went to the church my family went to and then the one my dad pastored. In college I just went to the one that sent a bus to pick us up. Now, I have chosen a church, I have chosen to get involved and I've chosen to make it home. I would be devastated if our pastor were to leave. I can now understand why that hurts people so badly. I want to be involved there for as long as I'm living here. I want to walk down their beautiful centre aisle on my wedding day. I'd like to someday be able to serve there with my husband.

"Church" is touchy for a lot of people. Many have been hurt by the church and it holds a lot of painful memories for them. But for me, it is just such a gift.

Trust

"Trust" is not knowing the outcome but believing that because God is sovereign, the outcome will be inherently good.

Heavy Hearts

It's been a rough week for my church community. The Loewen's lost their little boy, Noah. No parent should ever have to watch their child die and they have watched him fight for his life for nearly four years now. The pain and suffering is over for him and he is with Jesus. However the pain and sadness is far from over for his family.

Also, about two weeks ago one of my youth girls was in a very serious accident at camp.She fell from the top of a 25 foot climbing wall, breaking both of her legs and an arm. Yesterday they amputated her right foot because the ankle was shattered so badly that blood could not flow properly through to her foot. She is such a wonderful young woman and her life is now altered forever. She's tall, blonde, a basketball and a lover of music. She is me, 9 years ago. I know what it's like to have to have to let of your identity as an athlete. It defined who I was for a long time. She's losing that identity in a far more traumatic way than I did. My heart hurts for her. She is strong and is handling this with maturity far beyond her 16 years. But it still just doesn't seem real. I keep expecting someone to tell me that they didn't have to take her leg. But the call just doesn't come.

Prayers for these people would be appreciated.

Guys and Dolls

So here's a question: can a guy and a girl ever become friends, like really good friends, without one party (or both) developing a romantic interest in the other?

I've always really liked being friends with guys. I think it's really important for girls to have male friends whom they can trust, whom they can ask questions of ("Do guys really think like this??" "What does it mean when a guy says this???" etc) and who are safe. But I think "safe" is tricky in these types of relationships. "Safe" to me means I don't have to worry about him falling for me or me falling for him. But is that ever really a guarantee? I've definitely had friendships where they were safe at one point and then became not safe. I think maybe it's possible but requires a lot of communication.

Perhaps these aren't healthy relationships. Is it possible that the other party becomes a pseudo boyfriend or girlfriend? Someone who becomes that person you turn to when you need to talk, someone to lean on, etc, without the physical part of a dating relationship (also not to be confused with the very dangerous Friends With Benefits phenomenon). It's probably not healthy to have a substitute boyfriend or girlfriend this way, is it?

I greatly value the guys God has placed in my life. I know strong, responsible, God-fearing men and they are a great part of my life. Figuring out appropriate boundaries with them is a different challenge. They are friendships I would never want to risk damaging, dear friends I would never dream of intentionally hurting. Neither do I want to hurt myself or develop unhealthy dependencies.

I am learning that God needs to be the one, the only One, I turn to in order to find self-worth, to find deeply fulfilling love. He continues to teach me lessons as I journey through life. I'm grateful for them, even the ones that hurt a little.

Grow up, Dana

Ok, my temper tantrum from the other day is over. I am back to acting like a mid-20s adult. Me and God just had some working out of things to do. I've been reminded that He knows what He's doing and I can let Him resume control.

I have this mantra that I am repeating these days. It calms me down when the 3 year old in me wants to stamp my feet and dissolve into a fit of angry, irrational tears. It goes:

God is sovereign
His timing is perfect
I am exactly where I am supposed to be
Because I am exactly where He is

I was questioning God's goodness for a couple days there. How I can question that in light of all He has brought me through in the past two-ish years is beyond me, but sometimes I lose sight of the big picture and all that He has done and is doing and just focus on what it appears He isn't doing. The bigger picture is in a little clearer focus now and I can remember that God is good and has good things for me. Where I am right now in my life is exactly where I should be because God is here with me. That's important for me to remember.

Another of His favourite reminders for me is:

"Be still and know that I am God"

Oh yeah.

Weary

Have you ever felt like you just don't want to continue fighting? Like the journey is just too much at this moment? Like you just want to sit down where you are and hang your head in defeat?

That's where I am today.