Please stop

I, like everyone else, am horrified by the Connecticut school shooting. It is an unspeakable tragedy; all I have to do is look at my 6 year old nephew or see the smiling pictures of the victims and my eyes fill with tears.

There are many responses to this event: heartbreak, anger, remorse, vindication. They're all valid. Rachel Held Evans writes beautifully of the patience and grace we need to have with one another as we all grieve differently.

But there have been two things floating around Facebook that make my blood absolutely boil and I need to write about them. I try to avoid making political and religious opinion statements on Facebook because the firestorm debates it triggers are rarely useful and tend to be damaging to relationships. So I'll write here.

This might just be some of the worst theology I've ever seen. It also reeks of Christian self-righteous indignation - an "I told you so" that is neither helpful nor necessary. A childhood family friend wrote a brilliant rebuttal to this notion. Read what he says - I can't write coherently on the topic because my blood pressure rises too quickly.

This ridiculous meme perpetuates the popular opinion that gun control laws could prevent massacres. Let's stop and think about the scenario: an individual with a plan for a mass murder stops to think "oh wait, I can't legally acquire a gun...I guess I can't go shoot up a mall food court today." Absurd, yes? Whether or not the weapons are legal are a rather inconsequential part of the equation.

I think the important cause to focus our political lobbying toward is better access to health care for mentally ill individuals. Mental illness is the common denominator here, not weapon accessibility. Read this mother's plea, if you don't believe me.

So, my dear Facebook friends, please stop sharing and re-posting these ridiculous, ignorant, and vile inaccuracies. Stop and think before you click that stinking button. Please, just stop.

I do

I turned 28 yesterday. 28. Feels like an age I should have my act together by, yes? I'm choosing to start recognizing the ways I do and not focus on the ways I don't. It's hard for me. Even as I say to myself, "I think I like who I am becoming" I can hear the "buts" clawing their way to the surface. "But I need to work out more." "But I need to be dating someone." "But I need to go to church more."

I bully myself. Did you know that was possible? It is. I've been doing it for years and only recently did someone call it what it is: abuse.

So this year I'm going to stop bullying myself. I'm going to focus on liking who I'm becoming, who I am. Because you know what? I do.

Perpetuating the Stereotypes

I saw this posted on Facebook today and my blood boiled. So many blanket statements that have absolutely NOTHING to do with being female ("I push doors that clearly say PULL", "I count on my fingers in math"). Why do we perpetuate stereotypes with stupid things like this? Why do we think so little of ourselves that we   see this and say "oh yeah, this makes me proud to be a woman."? This does not make me proud to be a woman. This makes me sad.

Come on, ladies. Think before you perpetuate stereotypes.

Guest Blogging

I did a guest post for a blog authored by friends of mine (and their friends). You can check it out here (and read some of their stuff while you're at it. They're brilliant and I learn from them all the time).

Blasted Church

Did you know that there is a wine called Blasted Church? I think they're hilarious.

I would really like to know the story behind why the wine makers chose this name. Something tells me it would be a good one.

Real-life Nightmares

Many former (or current) restaurant servers will tell you of the Server Nightmares. These nightmares usually involve you in the middle of a dinner rush, completely weeded, and you've just been sat a new table. And the entire dream is you trying to get out to greet your new table and you just can't get out there, no matter how hard you try. It's similar to those nightmares where the rapist is chasing you and you can't get your legs to work, so you can't run away. They're anxiety dreams, simply. I had them for years after I stopped serving. I still have one every once in a while. They really are horrible. You wake up with this awful feeling of anxiety - like you can't really breathe.

I feel like I'm living one of those nightmares right now. Less than two weeks until holidays in Hawaii, and when I think of everything that has to get accomplished in the next 12 days, I feel exactly like I do in those dreams.

That beach isn't going to know what hit it when I finally get there.

An Addendum

I watched a documentary this morning and this struck me to the core:

"The cheapest way of getting the feeling that we are a group, a family, a something, is to make an Other." Brian Zachary Mayer, For the Bible Tells Me So, 2007

Perhaps this is the root of the problem I spoke of in my previous post?

Words are big

I've been thinking this week about the things we say and how they influence what we think. And what we think in turn influences what we say. It's kind of a chicken and egg situation; which came first?

It stemmed from a conversation I had with a co-worker. She'd had a big fight with her boyfriend and is mature enough to own her role in the situation, but then she said to me, "really, can we women ever be made happy?" And it was like she had flipped a switch in me and I suddenly got very opinionated and passionate. Because YES. We can be made happy. We ARE happy. We are happy with quite little actually (generally speaking). This stereotype that women are high-maintenance and demanding is very damaging, and the more we make statements like "women can never be made happy" the more we reinforce the stereotypes in our own heads. And that's not helping our cause any.

This extends so far beyond stereotypes about women. The same can be said for the off-handed things we say about men: "Men are jackasses." "All men want is sex." etc. Even common phrases that people use without thinking ("that's retarded," "that's so gay") only serve to reinforce stereotypes (not to mention they are highly offensive). Or what about the ways we pigeon-hole our children with toys that only boys should play with or colours that only girls should wear. And how about the things we attribute to certain religions, painting all followers of that religion with the same (predominantly negative) strokes.

When we use stereotypical language or action, we are contributing to a close-minded society, one that places people into boxes, limits them to certain behaviours and opportunities, and, ultimately, fuels hate and prejudice.

I believe that love and acceptance are born out of open-mindedness. I wholeheartedly believe that the things we say can either reinforce stereotypes, and thus perpetuate a world full of hate and intolerance, or they can present a new way of thinking about something/one that might just lead to a society full of diverse, yet united people.

Think about the things you say. Do you inadvertently reinforce stereotypes with your words? Stop it.

(For the record, I'm guilty of this too. And I too need to stop it.)

How did I get here?

These days I feel a bit like a teenager. The angst. Oh, the angst! I am easily angered, sometimes filled with inexplicable anxiety, and more rebellious than is characteristic of me. No, no, I'm not being self-destructive, don't worry. But I am less inclined to simply do what is expected of me. And why? For what?

I ask myself those questions every day.

Let me be perfectly clear. This process is not easy on me. I am not taking this lightly. But I maintain that all of it is okay. All of this is normal. I am not the first do undergo this process, I won't be the last, and I will be better for it in the end.

The emotional journey is telling, though. I can't even describe how much guilt I have these days. I feel guilty that I'm not going to church (and I get asked ALL THE TIME "where are you going to church these days?" And how do I answer? "I haven't settled anywhere just yet." Because it's easier than getting into everything.) I feel guilty for avoiding places where I might be put on the spot to pray or have overly spiritualized discussions, because I just can't handle it right now. And the guilt makes me angry. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I have to feel guilty? Why is my faith a list of rules that I have to follow?

See? Teenager.

This is a vulnerable place. There is great risk that I can easily take on views and beliefs of other people, simply because I'm in a state of confusion and I'm thirsty for answers. Thankfully, I'm quite well aware of this danger and therefore can take measures to protect myself. I'm doing a lot of reading these days, but I'm trying to make sure it's balanced. Both sides of the issue are being represented. I'm also limiting exposure to people who are entrenched on one side or the other, who may have too much influence on me as I try to figure out where I stand. The last thing I want to do is simply take on another dogma. I want to re-build my faith and have it be something that I own. Will it be influenced by others? Of course. I'm not so arrogant to think that I can answer all the questions that people have been asking for centuries. But I am determined to think for myself.

More of us should probably do this.

Living in the Tension

So, two weeks into Living all by my Lonesome. Verdict? What the hell was I worried about. This. Is. Awesome. For real, I should have done this long ago. My house rocks (yes, even the purpley-grey on the walls).

In my Embrace It post, I alluded to the fact that I have been questioning aspects of my faith - a statement which has garnered some questions from family and friends. Fair enough. This is a public blog, so the purpose is for it to be read, and that is bound to include (possibly exclusively) my family and friends. Therefore, if I'm going to reveal some of what I'm working through, I should be ready to talk about it, in theory. Problem is, I have very few answers at this point and struggle to not just get defensive right away or else just downplay the situation to avoid having to provide answers I don't have. But the truth is, I'm living in the tension of being immersed in an extremely Christian context and questioning whether that Christianity is really something that I want to be associated with.

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's not actually my faith that I am questioning - that being my belief in Jesus and my security in His love. Rather, it's my theology that I'm essentially deconstructing, because over the past few years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with the dissonance between the intolerance shown by Christianity and the love that Jesus lived.

Simply put, it's not Jesus I have a problem with, it's the religion of Christianity.

And the church.

Did I just say that? That's a risky admission, given the context of my profession and the family I belong to, but I'm determined to embrace this time in my life, this deconstructing of my theology, and that includes being honest about the fact that I'm a little bit angry at the church. I'm angry at its narrow-mindedness, at its habit of showing non-love to people who believe differently, at its destructive ability to profoundly hurt people who desperately need to know that they are loved and valued just as they are. On the grand scale of things, I have not been hurt by the church nearly as deeply as others; but that's not to say that I haven't been hurt. I'm a woman and churches tell me that it means I can't be a leader. And that hurts me. Which manifests itself by me being pissed off, quite frankly.

It's difficult for me right now to separate "Christianity" and "the church." "The church" is the living extension of "Christianity," and I see both doing a lot of harm in our world, all in the name of Jesus.

Does this mean I will never return to church? I don't think so. In fact, I think I'll probably return to it quite soon enough, but at the moment I'm taking a little breather (but, hey, at least I'm using my Sunday mornings to think about what my faith means to me, right?) I'm using this time to do some reading about theology and Jesus' ministry and progressive Christianity (which is sometimes really overwhelming for the conservative Christian girl that I was raised as). And when the tension gets too thick, I walk away for a little bit, just to give it a chance to ease off to a bearable level, and then I return. Because I'm embracing it, this tension. I don't think it's a bad thing to deconstruct what we believe every once in awhile. And that's what really tells me that I'm no longer that conservative Christian girl I once was -in my experience, conservative Christians are typically quite threatened by questions to the fundamentals of their theology (I certainly was).

I'm embracing it, people. Join me.

A house, a home

Embracing It wasn't easy this week. I melted down on Tuesday and was convinced I couldn't live with the purple on the walls...and there may have been a moment where I desperately wished that I could call this whole thing off. But an hour and a half chat/cry with my sister on the phone, a little bit of sleep and the support of my friends diverted the crisis and here I am. In my new house. In my home.

I'm on my couch, in my new living room, drinking a beer and eating celebratory chips, listening to the sounds of a new building, and relishing the fact that this place is all mine.

I can't wait to go to bed.

Embrace It: 2012

My friend was telling me about his buddy who declares a motto each year. Last year was "Why Not?"; this year's is "Don't Die" (you know, the whole Mayan calendar/end of the world thing). I don't make New Year's Resolutions, because they are just one more thing to fail at, but the idea of a Motto for the Year intrigued me and I decided I could get on board with that.

While "Don't Die" is a good motto for everyone, mine sprang out of the flurry of change happening in my life at the moment. Change can be very hard for most people, especially me, so my anxiety level has been somewhere between "high" and "overdrive" for going on a month now. I'm moving into an apartment on my own next weekend and we've spent the last couple weeks getting the new place ready. This weekend was painting weekend and we were going for a really awesome shade of grey on the walls, which turns out is pretty purple in some (most?) lighting. The friend that was painting with me was just like "you know what? embrace the purple" (really, we were pretty committed at this point). So that's when my Motto for the Year struck me:

Embrace It.

My walls are kinda purple (when that's the very color I said I didn't want)? Embrace it.

I'm a little terrified to live on my own? Embrace it.

My new fridge makes gurgling noises that sound a little bit like an alien talking? Embrace it. (And name him "Alex")

I'm questioning many aspects of my faith, theology, ideology and practice? Embrace it.

You don't want to date me? Embrace it.

Pinterest has captured me in its obsessive grip? Embrace it. (AND PIN ALL THE THINGS!!)

So, no resolution for me. But I am going to Embrace It this year, as best I can. Which sometimes might not be very well at all. But...failing at Embrace It? Well, I'll probably embrace that too.