Living in the Tension

So, two weeks into Living all by my Lonesome. Verdict? What the hell was I worried about. This. Is. Awesome. For real, I should have done this long ago. My house rocks (yes, even the purpley-grey on the walls).

In my Embrace It post, I alluded to the fact that I have been questioning aspects of my faith - a statement which has garnered some questions from family and friends. Fair enough. This is a public blog, so the purpose is for it to be read, and that is bound to include (possibly exclusively) my family and friends. Therefore, if I'm going to reveal some of what I'm working through, I should be ready to talk about it, in theory. Problem is, I have very few answers at this point and struggle to not just get defensive right away or else just downplay the situation to avoid having to provide answers I don't have. But the truth is, I'm living in the tension of being immersed in an extremely Christian context and questioning whether that Christianity is really something that I want to be associated with.

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's not actually my faith that I am questioning - that being my belief in Jesus and my security in His love. Rather, it's my theology that I'm essentially deconstructing, because over the past few years I've become increasingly uncomfortable with the dissonance between the intolerance shown by Christianity and the love that Jesus lived.

Simply put, it's not Jesus I have a problem with, it's the religion of Christianity.

And the church.

Did I just say that? That's a risky admission, given the context of my profession and the family I belong to, but I'm determined to embrace this time in my life, this deconstructing of my theology, and that includes being honest about the fact that I'm a little bit angry at the church. I'm angry at its narrow-mindedness, at its habit of showing non-love to people who believe differently, at its destructive ability to profoundly hurt people who desperately need to know that they are loved and valued just as they are. On the grand scale of things, I have not been hurt by the church nearly as deeply as others; but that's not to say that I haven't been hurt. I'm a woman and churches tell me that it means I can't be a leader. And that hurts me. Which manifests itself by me being pissed off, quite frankly.

It's difficult for me right now to separate "Christianity" and "the church." "The church" is the living extension of "Christianity," and I see both doing a lot of harm in our world, all in the name of Jesus.

Does this mean I will never return to church? I don't think so. In fact, I think I'll probably return to it quite soon enough, but at the moment I'm taking a little breather (but, hey, at least I'm using my Sunday mornings to think about what my faith means to me, right?) I'm using this time to do some reading about theology and Jesus' ministry and progressive Christianity (which is sometimes really overwhelming for the conservative Christian girl that I was raised as). And when the tension gets too thick, I walk away for a little bit, just to give it a chance to ease off to a bearable level, and then I return. Because I'm embracing it, this tension. I don't think it's a bad thing to deconstruct what we believe every once in awhile. And that's what really tells me that I'm no longer that conservative Christian girl I once was -in my experience, conservative Christians are typically quite threatened by questions to the fundamentals of their theology (I certainly was).

I'm embracing it, people. Join me.

A house, a home

Embracing It wasn't easy this week. I melted down on Tuesday and was convinced I couldn't live with the purple on the walls...and there may have been a moment where I desperately wished that I could call this whole thing off. But an hour and a half chat/cry with my sister on the phone, a little bit of sleep and the support of my friends diverted the crisis and here I am. In my new house. In my home.

I'm on my couch, in my new living room, drinking a beer and eating celebratory chips, listening to the sounds of a new building, and relishing the fact that this place is all mine.

I can't wait to go to bed.

Embrace It: 2012

My friend was telling me about his buddy who declares a motto each year. Last year was "Why Not?"; this year's is "Don't Die" (you know, the whole Mayan calendar/end of the world thing). I don't make New Year's Resolutions, because they are just one more thing to fail at, but the idea of a Motto for the Year intrigued me and I decided I could get on board with that.

While "Don't Die" is a good motto for everyone, mine sprang out of the flurry of change happening in my life at the moment. Change can be very hard for most people, especially me, so my anxiety level has been somewhere between "high" and "overdrive" for going on a month now. I'm moving into an apartment on my own next weekend and we've spent the last couple weeks getting the new place ready. This weekend was painting weekend and we were going for a really awesome shade of grey on the walls, which turns out is pretty purple in some (most?) lighting. The friend that was painting with me was just like "you know what? embrace the purple" (really, we were pretty committed at this point). So that's when my Motto for the Year struck me:

Embrace It.

My walls are kinda purple (when that's the very color I said I didn't want)? Embrace it.

I'm a little terrified to live on my own? Embrace it.

My new fridge makes gurgling noises that sound a little bit like an alien talking? Embrace it. (And name him "Alex")

I'm questioning many aspects of my faith, theology, ideology and practice? Embrace it.

You don't want to date me? Embrace it.

Pinterest has captured me in its obsessive grip? Embrace it. (AND PIN ALL THE THINGS!!)

So, no resolution for me. But I am going to Embrace It this year, as best I can. Which sometimes might not be very well at all. But...failing at Embrace It? Well, I'll probably embrace that too.