A Shameless Plug for Counseling

Hi, my name is Dana and I am in counseling.

Phew, I'm glad that's off my chest. How many of us are ashamed to admit that we can't necessarily deal with everything on our own, raise you hands. Why is it it that to admit that you are seeing a counselor is so scary? Do we think people will judge us? Will people automatically assume that I am suicidal or mentally ill? If they, they are stupid-heads. That's right, I called them stupid-heads.

I started therapy in october. The original plan was to talk to a counselor so I could try to figure out if I should break up with Justin or not. Then we suddenly broke up a little earlier than I expected and I already had an appointment for a few days later and it worked out very well, all things considered. To have that kind of support for those dark weeks was crucial.

When we stopped for the Christmas break I was doing really well and didn't really feel the need to continue after school started again. But the past month has been extremely rough (Justin is now dating someone new...how fantastic is that??) and I figured it couldn't hurt to go back. It took awhile to get back in because of weather issues and vacation disruptions but today I saw my counselor again and I came out with just this huge sense of relief. Do you realize how relieving it is to have someone accept what you say with zero criticism? To have someone say, "You know what Dana, you have a right to be angry. You have been used by someone whom you thought loved you. It's ok to be hurt and it's ok to be angry right now." Do you know how healing that is? Especially when other people what to push their agenda for healing on you.

Everyone deserves to be listened to without judgment. Perhaps this is why I am so excited to become a counselor. People are almost never just listened to. We are naturally terrible listeners. You might think you are a great listener but really you're not. I've always been told I'm a good listener. Really, I suck. Think about it. How many times has a friend said to you, "This is what I am going through and it sucks" and you said "Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me, blah, blah, blah..." You've just turned the conversation around to focus on you. It's no longer about your hurting friend. It's ok, we all do it, I do it, don't feel too bad. But it's not really listening.

In counseling you get listened to. You have a specific amount of time that is just about you and what you are dealing with. How fantastic is that?

I'd like to give some advice to people who encounter those who are hurting. It could be something that you think is minor, like a breakup (and sometimes breakups are minor, but sometimes they are not. Learn to know the difference) or trouble at work or it could be something devastating, like the loss of a spouse or a child. Whether it is minor or major to you DOES NOT MATTER. You are not the one feeling the acute pain of the situation. The best thing you can do for your friend or family member is accept what they are feeling as valid. It might not be the way you would deal with it, you might not think that everything they are feeling/thinking is rational, it doesn't matter because in reality, it is what they are feeling and NOTHING you say will change that. See what often people don't realize is that a shattered person is doing the best he or she can. Given their genetic makeup, their life experiences, the coping strategies learned, he or she is doing the best they can. I am doing the best that I can.

So just listen. Accept what they say and feel. You don't have to agree or approve, just accept it. If you find that you are unable to do that for someone, don't try to be the one they lean on in times of suffering. That job will have to belong to someone else.

If you're hurting and you aren't finding anyone who will just listen, find a counselor. They'll listen. And they'll care.