It would seem that I have some fear issues to work through. I've found that over the past few weeks my anxiety has been much higher than normal. That's not entirely surprising, given the major changes happening, but I was a little surprised at how high my level of fear got a couple times and the reasons behind it.
While I was still in Manitoba, I suddenly became very anxious when driving my car. "What if I get in an accident right before I leave for BC?" It doesn't help that I had just put major money into fixing my car for the long drive and I didn't want yet another expense, but I was genuinely concerned that something might happen.
I was a wreck on the back of Ben's motorbike. I don't love motorbikes in the first place, but if I'm going to be on one, I want Ben to be the driver. I know he would never let anything happen to me. But by the time we got to my house that night, I was shaking and nearly in tears. I had been so afraid the whole time that I was literally "steering" him unconsciously (making his job of keeping the bike upright a whole lot harder).
I worried about my dad driving to Manitoba to help me move. What if something happened to him on the way? My guilt would be overwhelming because he had been coming to help me. Driving back I did alright through the prairies, but in the back of my mind, the trek through the mountains was looming.
I've done the trip from Alberta to BC dozens of times in my life. It's always made me a little nervous, but as a child, I just trusted my daddy behind the wheel and was fine. This was only the second time I've done the trip where I was one of the drivers and it filled me with intense anxiety. All I could envision was losing control of the vehicle and there being a fiery crash. I actually freaked out on the Coquihalla Highway and made my mom drive. My anxiety didn't even go down that much when she took over. I didn't calm down until we were safely home. And then I worried about my dad until he was safely home two days later.
I don't know why I would think that God would call me out to start a new life in BC and then kill me on the way there, but my brain just kept thinking "sometimes God doesn't make any sense." When I made the decision to move here I consciously chose to not let fear rule my life and prevent me from making the move. I knew that if I didn't take this opportunity because I was afraid of the unknown, I would never get anywhere. But fear has definitely taken hold in other ways.
I am frustrated that I trust God with certain areas of my life, but not others. I trust him to provide friends and joy here. But I don't trust him to keep my family safe. I have this screwed up idea that because I don't think I can handle losing a member of my family, he will make it happen just to prove to me that I can handle it. Where does that idea come from? I know it's flawed, but it's real, all the same.
I don't want to live ruled by fear. I want to trust the God who passionately loves me to provide for me and give me strength. He's proven himself so faithful to me and yet I doubt him. That makes me so sad.
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