How did I get here?

These days I feel a bit like a teenager. The angst. Oh, the angst! I am easily angered, sometimes filled with inexplicable anxiety, and more rebellious than is characteristic of me. No, no, I'm not being self-destructive, don't worry. But I am less inclined to simply do what is expected of me. And why? For what?

I ask myself those questions every day.

Let me be perfectly clear. This process is not easy on me. I am not taking this lightly. But I maintain that all of it is okay. All of this is normal. I am not the first do undergo this process, I won't be the last, and I will be better for it in the end.

The emotional journey is telling, though. I can't even describe how much guilt I have these days. I feel guilty that I'm not going to church (and I get asked ALL THE TIME "where are you going to church these days?" And how do I answer? "I haven't settled anywhere just yet." Because it's easier than getting into everything.) I feel guilty for avoiding places where I might be put on the spot to pray or have overly spiritualized discussions, because I just can't handle it right now. And the guilt makes me angry. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I have to feel guilty? Why is my faith a list of rules that I have to follow?

See? Teenager.

This is a vulnerable place. There is great risk that I can easily take on views and beliefs of other people, simply because I'm in a state of confusion and I'm thirsty for answers. Thankfully, I'm quite well aware of this danger and therefore can take measures to protect myself. I'm doing a lot of reading these days, but I'm trying to make sure it's balanced. Both sides of the issue are being represented. I'm also limiting exposure to people who are entrenched on one side or the other, who may have too much influence on me as I try to figure out where I stand. The last thing I want to do is simply take on another dogma. I want to re-build my faith and have it be something that I own. Will it be influenced by others? Of course. I'm not so arrogant to think that I can answer all the questions that people have been asking for centuries. But I am determined to think for myself.

More of us should probably do this.