A Time for Confession

I'm a snob. No, seriously! I can really be a bitch. I'm not saying this facitiously or to draw attention to myself. I say this with no humor and with zero pride. This is an honest confession from a repentant heart.

I find myself looking down on others sometimes. I've thought a lot about my tendency to do this and I think I can trace it back to elementary school when I was the subject of extensive bullying. I've concluded that now that I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable with myself and I have plenty of wonderful, loving friends, I want to be the one who is exclusive, I want to control who is in my close circle of friends, I want my chance to be in the spotlight. That's a hard confession to make.

It's strange though isn't it? Most people who have been bullied are even more socially aware of those who are on the fringe of the group. Why have I gone the other way? I would never call myself a bully, but I am definitely a snob. On the other hand, I have huge compassion for people, but it seems that only for those people who I see as "worthy." I am heading into ministry. I must change this aspect of myself.

Lately God has speaking to this area of my life consistently. After Justin and I broke up, I stopped going to College and Career at our church. There were plenty of reasons for this, one being that it is just too hard to be in the same place as him at this point. However, there are a couple other reasons that are not nearly as legitimate. For one, I thought that I was too good for C&C. The group is very young this year and I have little patience for immaturity. So I deemed myself far more mature than them and decided I was too old for College and Career. And also, there are some people there who I have a very hard time loving. There is a particular group of girls that Justin has become friends with since we broke up. Initially it was the jealousy that got the best of me, but I got over that. Now it's just the way they look at me. They glare. I feel so much judgment and scorn coming from their direction. I am the hated ex girlfriend. Whether I have imagined it or not, it's there.

Yesterday I was singing on the worship team at church and I was standing onstage when they walked into the sanctuary. I started to shake and couldn't shake the feeling they were judging me. When the team sat down for the sermon I found myself praying that God would calm my heart and instead, he started to convict me. I had just finished saying to myself, "Dana, it doesn't matter what they think, you are not up there for them. You are there for God's glory and his glory alone. You cannot change their attitude toward you." And then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, 'You can't change their attitude toward you, but you can change your attitude toward them."

Wow. Talk about a kick in the pants. I've been so busy playing the victim here that I hadn't really realized that I could do something. That I HAD to do something. My attitude has been anything but Christian. I desire to live like a woman of God bur there are some ugly things inside of me.

So this is my confession to you. This is my next project. It's baby steps that sometimes go backwards, but I want to take responsibility for my life and the patterns I have chosen to create. I don't want to be a snob. I want to radiate God's love.

As a worship team we sang a new song (well, new to me anyways) for communion. I quickly grew to love it and it is my new prayer as I work through these things.

A Pure Heart - Rusty Nelson

A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides your Word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one you rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases you, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to your throne