Winds of Change

There's nothing like the holiday season to bring you face to face with all that is changing around you. If you're like me and don't always do well with change, this can be somewhat of a tough time of year. But sometimes it's good to sit down and reflect on the things that are different, acknowledge and accept them and then keep on trucking forward.

I love Christmas because it's one of the only times in the year that my family gets to all be together. Every year for the past few we've had another wee child running around the house and that kind of change is fun. This year we had another guest (bigger than a wee child) and although I was somewhat reluctant to share our family time with him initially, it was natural and relaxing to have him there.

But when we are all together like that it reminds me that we are all getting older. Adult children have middle aged parents and I fear my parents getting older. Granted, they are still very young, but I wish I could stop time and keep them that way. I still need them.

It's interesting to look back 5 years and see what a different person I've become. Most of the changes are great, but I have to stop and mourn some of the lost naivete and idealism.

And looking forward to the future I anticipate some of the changes to come and dread others. But I cherish the things that remain the same: my dearest friends, my family and my faith.

Happy New Year, friends.

High Maintenance Blog

My blog is high maintenance. Well, maybe it's me that's high maintenance. But my blog always has to look nice. It's pretty much one of the best parts of having a blog actually, choosing a new background. I love looking through websites and finding some that makes my heart go 'yes!" It seems that the background I choose reflects how I'm feeling at the moment. My previous backgroung was very bright and bubbly! This one is more subdued. Calm and classy. And that's how I'm feeling these days.

I wish it didn't say Merry Christmas down the side so I could keep it forever and ever.

Joey's? Yes, please!

It was Roommate Christmas 2009 this weekend. We get all dressed up, go out for dinner and then go see the Living Christmas Tree production at a local church before heading home to open gifts. It is a fantastic tradition that we all dearly love.

This year we decided to go to Joey's for dinner. It's a rather new restaurant in our area and is a bit fancier and since we were getting dressed up in our little black dresses we figured it would be a good choice. I like to look at the nutritional info online before I go to a restaurant so that I can make better choices about what I eat. So last week I went to Joey's website and while they didn't have the nutritional info there, it said to email an address if you wanted the info. So I did. And very shortly (20 minutes later, I'd say) I received a personal email back from their culinary manager apologizing, saying they were doing some work on the website but the nutrition should be up by the next day. In the meantime he was willing to send me the nutrition on any items I wanted. Impressed, I responded saying that it wasn't urgent and I would just check back later.

A week later I went back to the website to check and it still wasn't up, so I emailed the same address again, this time requesting nutritional info for a few dishes. Again, very promptly the culinary manager emailed me back a personal email with the details. I told him that even if I didn't like Joey's food (although I was sure I would) I would always be supremely impressed with their service.

So we arrived there on Friday night and the hostess started chatting with us about why we were all dressed up. We told her it was Roommate Christmas and she got all excited because she was going to have a chance to get all dressed up the next night and we had inspired her. Then our server, Kevin, came to take our drink order. He also commented on how dressy we were and joked with us throughout the night about many things. He was quite delightful (and uber cute).

We had planned that we wanted to get a picture of us at the restaurant and, joking, I said to the girls that I thought we needed a picture with Kevin. When he came back to the table after we had paid, we asked him to take our photo and he said "only if I get to get in on the action!" How could we refuse?!

As we got up to leave a manager came over to us and said "Ladies, we loved having you in our restaurant tonight. You made Kevin's weekend, you made my night. What you represent is exactly what we want this place to be about. I know you're in a hurry but we would really like to offer you dessert on us sometime, so here is my card, give me a call next time before you come in and we'll hook you up." We were all blown away. He was genuine and sincere, this wasn't a sleezy attempt to suck up to us. We hadn't done anything spectacular (except look awesome!) but they loved us.

I am beyond impressed with this restaurant's culture of customer care. The food was great, by the way. But beyond that they really took care of us and that is really refreshing in our world today. Kudos, Joey's. Kudos. Also, Kevin is my new BFF.

Alicia, Barbara, Errin, me, Kevin

I didn't know it was possible to love them this much

Just thinking about them makes me grin and my heart melt into a little puddles. They make my heart come alive.

Quarter Life Crisis

So I turned 25 yesterday. I have always really loved having birthdays; for someone who is usually quite content to stay out of the spotlight, I love being the special one for a day. I also love turning a year older. I have always had a habit of not really saying my true age. Like when I'm asked how old I am, I will usually say something like "turning 24 this year" or whatever age is appropriate. I don't know why. I think it's a combination of things. I'm the youngest child and have always wanted to be seen as equal to my older siblings instead of the little sister, so I always wanted to be older than I was. Also my birthday is late in the year so I am usually the youngest out of all my friends. Again, wanting to be equal to everyone else. Wow, does anyone else sense this underlying self-conciousness about being the youngest? Good goodness.

Anyways, all that to say, I've been eyeing my looming 25th birthday with some trepidation. I don't know what I expected life to look like at 25. I do remember saying that I wanted to be done having kids by 25 because I had heard somewhere that that lowers your chance of uterine cancer or something (seriously, what 10 year old thinks of these things?! Me, apparently.) And so here I am, 25 and not only have I not started having kids, they are nowhere on the horizon (which is actually really ok....so not ready for them at this point).

I dunno, there were definitely a few "Holy crap! I'm 25!" moments yesterday and it still feels a little odd, but it's not totally the crisis I anticipated. I thought that I would really have a hard time if there was no guy in my life, if marriage wasn't at least on the distant horizon, but I'm pretty content right now. I'm not convinced that I'm in the right place for a relationship right at this moment (I reserve the right to change my tune if someone comes along, fyi). So really, I'm just going to keep living my life, enjoying what God has provided me with and following where He leads me.

Oh and my other goal this year is to consistently answer "I'm 25" when people ask me my age. None of this "turning 26 this year" business. Because, let's face it, it's just a downhill slide to 30 from here and eeghads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Church Joy

When I was a kid I kinda hated church. It was really boring, Sunday School sucked and I eventually reached an age where I wasn't allowed to bring books or fall asleep on my dad's arm anymore.

We went to church every single Sunday. Yeah, we were one of those families. My parents were always super involved, both in our particular church and in the larger conference our church belonged to. I remember my dad going to many, many evening meetings.

Then my dad became a pastor when I was 15. So then we actually had to relocate because of church. Man, I hated it. The church we moved to was nothing like the one I had grown up in and I did nothing but resent it for three solid years, until I could hightail it outta there to Bible School. And even in college I really only went to church because everyone else was. But I sure spent my fair share of Sunday mornings with Pastor Pillow, if you know what I'm saying.

When I returned to Manitoba after Bible School I went church hunting. For a year I attended one with a Bible School friend and even though I got a little bit involved, never really settled into it. Once I moved out with friends I started going to their church. And still, while I found a large group of friends and even a boyfriend, I had a hard time settling. I was unhappy with the pastor's preaching style, judged the worship teams. What a brat. Seriously.

Finally I started getting involved. I joined a worship team. I became a youth sponsor. I started worship leading. I did a pastoral internship. And then I realized "I'm settled."

I have grown to deeply love my church and my church family. Through my internship I got to know so many people, all different age groups. I particularly love our seniors. They're a riot. I began to appreciate our pastor and his wealth of wisdom. I love getting up on Sunday mornings to go to church because I love worshipping there and I love the people I worship with. What a gift.

This is the first church that I have ever called my own. Growing up I just went to the church my family went to and then the one my dad pastored. In college I just went to the one that sent a bus to pick us up. Now, I have chosen a church, I have chosen to get involved and I've chosen to make it home. I would be devastated if our pastor were to leave. I can now understand why that hurts people so badly. I want to be involved there for as long as I'm living here. I want to walk down their beautiful centre aisle on my wedding day. I'd like to someday be able to serve there with my husband.

"Church" is touchy for a lot of people. Many have been hurt by the church and it holds a lot of painful memories for them. But for me, it is just such a gift.

Trust

"Trust" is not knowing the outcome but believing that because God is sovereign, the outcome will be inherently good.

Heavy Hearts

It's been a rough week for my church community. The Loewen's lost their little boy, Noah. No parent should ever have to watch their child die and they have watched him fight for his life for nearly four years now. The pain and suffering is over for him and he is with Jesus. However the pain and sadness is far from over for his family.

Also, about two weeks ago one of my youth girls was in a very serious accident at camp.She fell from the top of a 25 foot climbing wall, breaking both of her legs and an arm. Yesterday they amputated her right foot because the ankle was shattered so badly that blood could not flow properly through to her foot. She is such a wonderful young woman and her life is now altered forever. She's tall, blonde, a basketball and a lover of music. She is me, 9 years ago. I know what it's like to have to have to let of your identity as an athlete. It defined who I was for a long time. She's losing that identity in a far more traumatic way than I did. My heart hurts for her. She is strong and is handling this with maturity far beyond her 16 years. But it still just doesn't seem real. I keep expecting someone to tell me that they didn't have to take her leg. But the call just doesn't come.

Prayers for these people would be appreciated.

Guys and Dolls

So here's a question: can a guy and a girl ever become friends, like really good friends, without one party (or both) developing a romantic interest in the other?

I've always really liked being friends with guys. I think it's really important for girls to have male friends whom they can trust, whom they can ask questions of ("Do guys really think like this??" "What does it mean when a guy says this???" etc) and who are safe. But I think "safe" is tricky in these types of relationships. "Safe" to me means I don't have to worry about him falling for me or me falling for him. But is that ever really a guarantee? I've definitely had friendships where they were safe at one point and then became not safe. I think maybe it's possible but requires a lot of communication.

Perhaps these aren't healthy relationships. Is it possible that the other party becomes a pseudo boyfriend or girlfriend? Someone who becomes that person you turn to when you need to talk, someone to lean on, etc, without the physical part of a dating relationship (also not to be confused with the very dangerous Friends With Benefits phenomenon). It's probably not healthy to have a substitute boyfriend or girlfriend this way, is it?

I greatly value the guys God has placed in my life. I know strong, responsible, God-fearing men and they are a great part of my life. Figuring out appropriate boundaries with them is a different challenge. They are friendships I would never want to risk damaging, dear friends I would never dream of intentionally hurting. Neither do I want to hurt myself or develop unhealthy dependencies.

I am learning that God needs to be the one, the only One, I turn to in order to find self-worth, to find deeply fulfilling love. He continues to teach me lessons as I journey through life. I'm grateful for them, even the ones that hurt a little.

Grow up, Dana

Ok, my temper tantrum from the other day is over. I am back to acting like a mid-20s adult. Me and God just had some working out of things to do. I've been reminded that He knows what He's doing and I can let Him resume control.

I have this mantra that I am repeating these days. It calms me down when the 3 year old in me wants to stamp my feet and dissolve into a fit of angry, irrational tears. It goes:

God is sovereign
His timing is perfect
I am exactly where I am supposed to be
Because I am exactly where He is

I was questioning God's goodness for a couple days there. How I can question that in light of all He has brought me through in the past two-ish years is beyond me, but sometimes I lose sight of the big picture and all that He has done and is doing and just focus on what it appears He isn't doing. The bigger picture is in a little clearer focus now and I can remember that God is good and has good things for me. Where I am right now in my life is exactly where I should be because God is here with me. That's important for me to remember.

Another of His favourite reminders for me is:

"Be still and know that I am God"

Oh yeah.

Weary

Have you ever felt like you just don't want to continue fighting? Like the journey is just too much at this moment? Like you just want to sit down where you are and hang your head in defeat?

That's where I am today.

The Golden Years

I was thinking this morning that I am really going to miss these years when they're over. Now, hear me out before you get all up in my business about being pessimistic.

I am the first to admit that these days I'm a little impatient to be dating someone. Now that everything is over with Justin, I can FINALLY say that I am ready. But that's not something I can force to have happen, so I will continue to learn my lesson in patience. But when you start dating someone, it changes the rest of your friendships. And I absolutely adore my girls these days.

Once we're all married and all that jazz we don't get to live together anymore, unless our husbands are really cool about a lot of things. Me thinks that's highly unlikely.

But I'm really gonna miss living with some of my best friends and I'm determined to enjoy this for however much longer it lasts. Cuz I'm never gonna get it back.

In other news, I just looked and my blog profile has been viewed 680 times. Last time I looked it was around 250ish I think. Who's stalking me?!

Come ON already

Excuse me, is this thing on??

ATTENTION, SUMMER. YOU HAVE MISSED YOUR CUE. GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND START DOING YOUR JOB.

Thank you.

I'm Lovin' It

Isn't life awesome? I love being able to say that as someone who has experienced depression and discontentment with my life. I love being able to have peace about the future, knowing Who is in control. I love looking ahead to what's coming with anticipation. I love looking at what's happening right now and bask in its awesomeness. I love looking back at where I've been, seeing how far I've come and praising Jesus that I made it out in one piece.

A year ago my heart hurt so badly and the night was still dark. Today my heart is healed, as is my relationship (now a friendship) with J. It is lovely to know that I survived that and became a better person for it.

I have friends who mean the world to me, who make life brighter and who are proof of God's love for me. I thank Him every day for them.

I have a family who, while being far away, support me and encourage me in everything I do. After struggling to find my place in this family, I love the security I now find there. I love that my sister and I have formed a special kind of friendship in our adulthood; our conversations are now borne out of shared experiences and life lessons and this is a blessing.

I have a job that I love most of the time (I say "most of the time" for a reason. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome job and I can't believe I get paid to do some of the things I do. I work with a fabulously supportive team and my boss is one of the best I've ever had. It's just there are some areas of my job that require skills that are not my strengths and this is frustrating sometimes). I am in the profession of helping people which is exactly where I want to be.

Life is so good today. Summer is on it's way, holidays are coming and I'm happy, baby!

This Moment Brought to You by Humiliation Central

As I was leaving my hairdresser's today she said "You've got something stuck to your bum!". With that embarassed feeling making my stomach feel all yucky, I felt around and pulled off a sticker. Turns out the sizing sticker from the new t-shirt I decided to wear today managed to adhere itself to my behind.

That's just what I need - to go around advertising my ass as XL.

Hold the Phone

So, as it turns out, I'm a grown-up. That happened sometime in the past 10 years without me realizing it.

25 is looming. Looming. I mean it's 6 months away, but to me, that's still looming. 25 means 5 years till I'm 30. I want to marry someone older than me prefferably, which means he'll be even closer to 30 than me. Eeegads.

I've realized recently that now that I'm done my BA (and have been done for a year, I might add), I should probably think about the next step. Logically that seems to be grad school, but I don't feel old enough to be thinking about grad school. Then I realize that if I had done my BA in 4 years like you're supposed to instead of 6, I could conceivably be finished my masters by now and that really makes me shit the proverbial brick.

Let's just back this bus up a bit here and figure out where the hank time went.

My Peace I Give You

I know, I know, I have been a horrible blogger so far this year. I've got nothing in the way of explanation, other than...I just don't wanna. So there. But today I feel like writing a bit and so I will. And then this blog will probably again sit silent until the urge strikes again. So just keep being patient, intra-readers. Keep being patient and keep checking because you never know what might change.

It's been an interesting few months. They've flown by. Like, really. Seeing as I work in a university I still measure time like students do - in terms of semesters. And this semester is done this week. Like, that's just nuts.

Since January I've been on a, how shall we call it, roller coaster journey. It's a whole long story but in January Justin and I began talking about getting back together. It blindsided us both - but it seemed that God had opened doors to at least allow that conversation to take place. Justin was in Regina finishing his RCMP training and so we started by just sending emails. He graduated in February and came home for a week before moving up north to his first posting. We spent some time together that week - that was both good and really tough. We decided to keep moving in the direction of getting back together, but agreed to take it slowly.

We took it so slowly that it just never went anywhere. It was such a frustrating time for me. He had enough distractions with his new life that it was easier on him. For me, that's all I had to think about. And then I'd start to worry and panic - but over and over God just gave me peace. And wisdom. Finally I sensed that it just wasn't happening on his end. Even though I had chosen to open myself to everything that being with him would mean, Justin could never quite get his head there and so last week we decided that our futures are still without one another.

Now we all remember how horrific it was for me the first time I had to break up with him. I never wanted to do it a second time. I never thought I could survive a second one. But you know what? I'm fine. I won't say there haven't been a moment or two of sadness or a bit of anger, but they have been very brief moments.

The best way I can describe it is that I am free. I don't have to wonder "what if?" anymore. I would have wondered forever, I think, if we'd made the right decision the first time around, if we could have made it work after all. Now I know. And it's fine. This peace is so unlike me. I'm a worrier - I feel everything really strongly with my heart and my heart and my head are rarely on the same page. It's a gift that they are now, in this. I can let him go, like really let him go this time, for good. I am free of what has held me captive for the past two and a half years and I can look to the future. I've believed that I could never love anyone again the same way I loved him - and in a way that may be true. They say that you never forget your first love and maybe I'll never totally forget what it was like to love him and what we learned together - because I believe we learned a lot. But I hope that next time, with the right guy, I love differently. I hope that I love with more respect. I hope I love with more patience. I love being in love - there is no feeling like it - and I hope I get to do it again (maybe soon? So much for patience...). But now I have hope that someone else out there is better for me. No more "what ifs?"

I've kept a journal ever since breaking up with Justin the first time. There is an unbelievable amount of pain in there. I've read over it a few times and the weight of that grief is crushing. I threw it out yesterday. No big ceremony, no burning it in a fire in any type of feminist symbolic action. I just looked at it and knew I didn't need it anymore. I didn't want it anymore either - there's enough hurt in there to drown a horse. So I just put it in the trash bag and didn't give it any more thought than it needed. It's over. Finally.

God's peace is pretty good.

Darkness and Light

I really hate the dark. Since I was young I’ve had a rather irrational fear of the dark. Our dark basement terrified me. If I was ever left home alone, my parents would come home to find every single light in the house on. Now that I pay electrical bills, I understand their frustration with me. The worst possible thing you could do is make me play a game outside in the dark, especially the dark forest. My friends tried this in Bible School. I stood on the path swinging a very large branch around.

When I drive in the dark, my eyes don’t seem to work as well and I get frustrated. My house has very stupid lighting. There are not light fixtures in any of the bedrooms, so I have a floor lamp and a string of mini lights – only half of which work. I get frustrated.

I think both my fear and my frustration with darkness stem from my need to be in control. I feel very out of control in the dark, I can’t see very well, I never know what’s lurking just beyond the edges of what I can see. Suffice it to say I would be a very awful blind person.

Have you ever felt as though you are standing in a pitch black room and there is only one small circle of light and you are standing in the middle of it? You can’t see anything past the edge of the circle. This is often how I feel in life.

I’ve come to realize that God is in that pitch black room and that circle of light is His gift of grace to me. I can’t see beyond it’s edges but it lights enough to keep me safe. Even if I move, that circle of light stays with me. When God calls me forward, the light moves with me, illuminating enough of the path that I am safe. I often have fear over not knowing what is in front of me, not knowing what is surrounding me out there in the darkness, but in His light, I can see. And that’s enough for me.

Psalm 143:8 – “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

True Story

Last night a group from church got together. This is the "post-C&C" group, who are too old to go to C&C but don't fit in the "young marrieds" group either. We're figuring out a way to just be our own demographic as part of the church. Anyways, we don't want to be called the "20s & 30s group" so we were trying to come up with an appropriate name. This is part of the conversation that followed:

Errin: "The seniors at my church are called "Free & Easy."

Me: "Is that the widows group?"

A direct line to heaven

It's hard to pray and not tell God what to do. I try to pray for God's will, but I know what I really don't want to have happen and how do I be ok if that ends up being what He has in mind? Last time I prayed about something like this, I was a 14 year old child and things didn't work out the way I wanted. But I have a theology degree now...maybe God will be more inclined to hear me out.

The tears come pretty quick and my heart feels a little like breaking.