Ramblings from a Healing Heart

I am supposed to be writing a paper on prayer right now. Obviously it is going well...

I'm having a hard time with blogging these days. There are a lot of things going on in my mind that I want to write about, that I want to confess, that I want to discuss, but the blogger world is so unknown and a bit scary. You never know who is reading these things. I feel a need to censor what I say and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I've been going through so much emotional stuff lately with the breakup but feel like it's hard to really talk about on here because I really want to respect Justin and our privacy. I don't ever want it to seem like I am bashing him or what we had together.

All that to say, I need to write some stuff out and I will do my best to continue respecting everyone involved.

I've had a very hard time letting go of our relationship. My head and my heart don't do a very good job of communicating with each other (I don't know if this is normal or if most people can get their hearts and their heads on the same page??). I know in my head the reasons that we broke up and I know in my head that they are good reasons. I know in my head that God is calling our lives in very different directions and I know in my head that God has big plans for me.

My heart doesn't get any of that.

My heart just kept saying, "but what if love really is enough?", "but what if we really could make it work?", "but what if God is now telling us to get back together?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?????" "But what ifs..." suck. "But what ifs..." don't represent reality. The reality is, we broke up because that's what God wanted us to do and God has something different for both of us.

I found a verse in Deuteronomy that talks about obeying God's voice and His promise of faithfulness as we walk through all that entails. The exact verse is Deut. 4:31 if you want to look it up, but I paraphrased it (a very cool prayer approach that you should really try) into what God has been saying to me through it.

Dana, if you look for God, if you search for Him with all your heart and soul, with a genuine desire for His presence, you will find Him. When your heart is broken, when life seems to be crumbling and you are so shattered that you can't even find the pieces anymore, return to the Lord. Crawl to the Father and listen for His voice. And when you hear that voice Dana and you obey it, you have done well in your Father's eyes. Your God is one of mercy and love! He has promised you and all people before you to be the strength in your weakness. You have obeyed His voice and he will not abandon you or let you be destroyed in the aftermath. He is merciful!"

God has certainly been the strength in my weakness in the past three months. I don't know how I would have had the strength to continue facing the storm if I didn't believe that He was in control and that He has good things in store for me.

Awhile ago I was wallowing in my pain and my anger towards God and somehow through the wall I had worked so hard to build that morning, God said to me "Do you believe that I can heal this hurt?" Tears rushed to my eyes as I said, "I really need you to Lord. I can't do this much longer." And He replied, "I feel this hurt too, you know. Everything that wounds you, wounds me too, that's how close I am holding you to me. I created you and I love you and I want you to be whole. Do you trust me to heal this hurt?" And because I am so weary of the fight, and so tired of standing in the pain and so shattered some days that I can't find the pieces, all I could say back to Him was, "Yes. I believe."

"Yes. I believe." Some days those words come so much easier than others. Today they come easier than they did even two days ago. Justin and I are broken up. We are not getting back together. We are not able to remain friends (that's another thing! How in the world do people stay friends with their ex? I don't actually think it's possible.) It's time to really let go of whatever hope my heart has been trying to hold onto. It's not easy but it is getting easier.

Near the beginning of this whole journey, God continually brought the song "Be Still and Know" into my head. It became my prayer as I journeyed through some of the darkest days I have experienced yet. For the first long time all I could do was imagine myself laying in the embrace of Jesus as he sang my pain away, "Be still and know that I am God". Again and again I crawled back to His arms to have Him sing me to sleep with that. As I gained more clarity about what had happened and recognized that this pain was not going away as quickly as I would have liked, He promised to me over and over again, "I am the Lord that healeth thee". This is an ongoing promise. I still need to be reminded of it quite often. And just now I am starting to be able to sing back to Him "In Thee Oh Lord I put my trust". My trust falters often. And that's when I crawl back into Jesus' arms and He sings again "Be still and know that I am God".