Fear Cancels Faith, Faith Counters Fear

It would seem that I have some fear issues to work through. I've found that over the past few weeks my anxiety has been much higher than normal. That's not entirely surprising, given the major changes happening, but I was a little surprised at how high my level of fear got a couple times and the reasons behind it.

While I was still in Manitoba, I suddenly became very anxious when driving my car. "What if I get in an accident right before I leave for BC?" It doesn't help that I had just put major money into fixing my car for the long drive and I didn't want yet another expense, but I was genuinely concerned that something might happen.

I was a wreck on the back of Ben's motorbike. I don't love motorbikes in the first place, but if I'm going to be on one, I want Ben to be the driver. I know he would never let anything happen to me. But by the time we got to my house that night, I was shaking and nearly in tears. I had been so afraid the whole time that I was literally "steering" him unconsciously (making his job of keeping the bike upright a whole lot harder).

I worried about my dad driving to Manitoba to help me move. What if something happened to him on the way? My guilt would be overwhelming because he had been coming to help me. Driving back I did alright through the prairies, but in the back of my mind, the trek through the mountains was looming.

I've done the trip from Alberta to BC dozens of times in my life. It's always made me a little nervous, but as a child, I just trusted my daddy behind the wheel and was fine. This was only the second time I've done the trip where I was one of the drivers and it filled me with intense anxiety. All I could envision was losing control of the vehicle and there being a fiery crash. I actually freaked out on the Coquihalla Highway and made my mom drive. My anxiety didn't even go down that much when she took over. I didn't calm down until we were safely home. And then I worried about my dad until he was safely home two days later.

I don't know why I would think that God would call me out to start a new life in BC and then kill me on the way there, but my brain just kept thinking "sometimes God doesn't make any sense." When I made the decision to move here I consciously chose to not let fear rule my life and prevent me from making the move. I knew that if I didn't take this opportunity because I was afraid of the unknown, I would never get anywhere. But fear has definitely taken hold in other ways.

I am frustrated that I trust God with certain areas of my life, but not others. I trust him to provide friends and joy here. But I don't trust him to keep my family safe. I have this screwed up idea that because I don't think I can handle losing a member of my family, he will make it happen just to prove to me that I can handle it. Where does that idea come from? I know it's flawed, but it's real, all the same.

I don't want to live ruled by fear. I want to trust the God who passionately loves me to provide for me and give me strength. He's proven himself so faithful to me and yet I doubt him. That makes me so sad.

Brilliance

Look at me blogging away consistently. I'm a machine (or, I have nothing better to do at work these days).

So a number of months ago, my dear friend Ben and I began teaching one another about our respective genders. We wrote long emails and explained things like High Maintenance Women (me) and Gearheads (him). These were invaluable, not to mention hilarious. In fact, I have just re-read some of them and I would venture so far as to say that they are brilliant. We should perhaps publish a book.

Anyways, below is one that I wrote to him about things to never say to your girlfriend. There is a story behind this. Ben and I went camping last summer with my roommate and her then-boyfriend. We were planning to go tubing down the river the next day and on our way out to the campground we stopped at a burger shop for supper. As we were waiting in line I said, "Ooo poutine!" And Ben goes "you can't eat poutine! you'll sink your side of the tube!" He still hasn't lived that one down. So I decided to write him "The Top 10 Things NEVER to Say to Your Girlfriend." Enjoy...

10. "You complete me." - It worked for Jerry McGuire. It won't, and I repeat WON'T, work for you. You are guaranteed an eye roll. Saying nice things is always a good idea, just don't use another guy's line. And don't make it cheesy. Cheesy kills the mood and fast.

9. "You don't really want kids, do you?" - For your information, I have a uterus and I intend to use it. If you aren't interested in having children, you can just move right along. A better question to ask would be "how many kids do you see yourself having?" Then she can answer zero if she doesn't intend to ever grow babies.

8. "I hope you brought money along, because I'm not paying for you" - we do not expect you to pay for us every time, but a line like this, where you outright refuse to ante up, brings you down big time in our books. A lethal mistake is not paying on the first date. Trust me. It's happened. He didn't get a second one (admittedly, there were other contributing factors, but it still sticks out in my mind).

7. "What did you do to your hair?" - This immediately implies that you do not like whatever we may have done differently. Never imply that. If we've tried something different, we're probably feeling a little self-conscious about it and we don't need you confirming that it doesn't look good. That's what our girlfriends are for.

6. "Is that what you're planning to wear?" - Yes it is. Do you have a problem with that?

5. "Do you want to call my mom for that recipe?" - Ohhhhh boy. Shut up and eat what I made you.

4. "You didn't tell me you had a hot sister." - Sorry that must have slipped my mind while I was busy worrying about whether or not you find ME hot.

3. "Are you sure you should be eating that?" - Yes I'm sure I should be eating this. Even if I've told you I've given it up.

2. Accidently call me by your ex-girlfriend's name - do I really need to explain this? This is one slip-up you should avoid at all costs. Because I won't forget for a long, LONG time.

1. "Is it that time of the month?" - Even if it is, perhaps ESPECIALLY if it is, you do not want to know what is coming to you. PMS certainly may contribute to how we act once in awhile, but unless I offer that information to you as a sort of explanation for my irrationality, you should not inquire about it. Trust me, you REALLY don't want to know about that whole business. Plus, by asking about it, you've probably just made me cry. Ass.

Perspective

There's nothing like a farewell event in your honour to make you feel appreciated. I had my "mugging" today at work - given its strange name for the practice of giving the departing employee a pottery mug that bears their name, as well as the institutional logo.

I have often felt inadequate in this job. It quickly became apparent to me when I began that this job required an awful lot of extroversion. Turns out, I'm predominantly introverted. My administrative gifts were definitely well-used here and I quickly found my niche in the disability service area and took a lot of pride in what I was able to drive here. But there was always that nagging sense that I wasn't doing a very good job in the biggest part of my job, the commuter program.

Standing in a room today and having the Dean of Social Sciences stand up to thank me, on behalf of the faculty, for my work with students with disabilities was pretty remarkable. So also was the heartfelt thanks of our Vice President of Finance for my work with the student employment program. He's a tough cookie who questions everything and intimidated the hell out of me for the past 2 years, so to hear him say "I had such confidence in giving you responsibility for this program because I knew you got it and you were taking the program in the direction it needed to go" was....I don't even know the word for it. I was humbled and grateful.

It puts into perspective for me that I was very capable in this position, and maybe I even excelled at it. Not everything fit my strengths very well, but the areas that I invested it, I invested in passionately. My strengths outweighed my weaknesses.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow over the past 2 years. I know so much more about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, and I can say that I have loved working here.

Swing Low

It's starting to sink in. I'm really leaving. And soon.

I went camping with my friends over the weekend. I was sitting beside a very dear friend, both of us reading our own books, when I was suddenly overcome with a sense of "gosh, I'm going to miss her." So we had a little cry.

It's also really tough when I start getting glimpses of how deeply this is affecting some people really close to me. Especially when it's a boy. Rip my heart out.

Tonight is my goodbye party (I like to think of it as a "See ya later" party). Honestly, I'm dreading it. It will be wonderful to have all of my dearest friends in one place, but kind of a crappy reason for them all to be there. I know that tonight will invoke feelings of "what the hell am I doing? why am I leaving these amazing people?" I dread that. I know that this was the right decision and that God is clearly leading me down this path, but it's so damn hard to say goodbye.

Passing the Time

I'm finding it hard to be patient. I remember feeling like this when my parents and I were moving to Manitoba from Alberta - "ok, we've made the decision, let's just go already." I don't like prolonging the goodbye. It's not that I'm eager to leave my friends here, but I am eager to start my new life. Also, I hate living among boxes and that is currently the state of my bedroom - stacks of boxes.

I've got a little under 3 weeks to go before the move. I'm trying hard to enjoy every last moment I have here and I am honestly cherishing every last memory I am making. But I'm getting tired of being asked, "so how are you feeling?" I'm feeling impatient, people. My standard answer of "well, I'm excited about the opportunities out there, but of course I'm sad to be leaving my life here" is getting old, even to my ears. It's still true, I am "sad" to be leaving my life here, but I'm not feeling sad at the moment. I know I will later when I'm hugging my friends goodbye and in a month when I can't just drive to their house to hang out, but right now, I'm just plain impatient.

Change is Inevitable (except from a vending machine)

Big changes are adrift, people. I'm moving. I am moving. I am moving. I, the one who loathes change, have set in motion a giganto-normous change in my life. I am le-scared, if you will.

The past 6 or 8 months have been hard being so far away from my family. My parents moved to BC about a year and a half ago and that's also where my brother and his family are. My sister is in Alberta and I have zero family here in Manitoba. That's hard, especially when you value family like I do. I began to realize that I would never get to know my neices and nephew and play a real role in their lives if I didn't live closer. I also realized that life is short and you never know how much time you'll have left with the people you love.

So, I took a deep breath and started keeping an eye out for jobs. I wasn't overly hopeful that I would find anything - the job market in BC is not great right now - but I wanted to keep an eye out at the Christian institutions there, just in case. I was on Facebook one day and I noticed that a woman who worked at my former Bible school was pregnant with twins and it flashed into my mind that her job would be coming open, even if it was just for a mat leave. I started praying then and there - I knew her job (Financial Aid Officer) would be a perfect fit for me and I wanted it.

Fast forward 3 ish months: after much waiting and uncertainty (along with emotional ups and downs as I tried to fathom actually leaving my life in Winnipeg), I accepted the job and solidified the decision to move west.

It feels like a gigantic leap of faith. It was literally the hardest decision I've made since choosing to break up with Justin. Both were equally hard decisions (although it remains to be seen if the road after is as hard...I don't think it will be...hopefully). There wasn't necessarily a "win-win" option in this case. On the one hand I would get to be closer to my family and I would get to be in BC, which I love. On the other hand, I would get to keep my friends, who are so dear to me and such a blessing in my life, and stay involved in a church that has nurtured me. It seemed like an impossible decision for a long time. No matter what road I chose, it was going to be hard.

But God really put this job in my lap. They weren't interviewing anyone else but me. It was clear about 10 minutes into the interview that they were planning on offering me the job. It appeared that it was mine to lose. And God gave me peace.

So now I am faced with packing up my life here (which I haven't been able to bring myself to actually start) and saying goodbye. I am filled with excitement and fear and it depends on what day you catch me on as to which wins out. I am not afraid of the job because it is so perfect for my strengths. I am not afraid of having no one because my family is there. But I am afraid of having to start over in building friendships. I am afraid of having to find another church and working to make it home.

I don't know what life there will look like, but I do know this:

"Trust" is not knowing the outcome but believing that, because God is sovereign, the outcome will be inherently good.

Facelift

I think I change my blog's background more often than I actually write on it. That's...interesting. But this latest one is really pretty! I think I'll keep it for awhile. Although I liked the last one, it was a little bit loud for me. I'm not loud.

It's pouring outside right now. We just might float away. I may need my paddle to get home. Oh wait...I don't have one because I am terrified of canoes.

Stories from my Childhood III

I'm going to guess that I was around 10 or 11 when this one happened.

We came home from church one Sunday morning and as we climbed out of the van my dad asked if someone could go to the barn to get WD40, which he needed for the toaster (WTH do you use WD40 on a toaster for? it should have been our first clue). My sister and I refused because we were wearing dresses, so my brother grudgingly went. A minute later he came running out of the barn screaming (like a little girl, might I add) that there was a dirtbike in the barn. We all ran in, my parents grinning at our delight, and sure enough, there, in the middle of the barn, was a gorgeous, red Kawasaki 80. It was the best dirtbike we'd ever seen and we spent hours ripping around on it.

After that I would come home from church ever Sunday and hope that my dad would send me to the barn for something and I would find my dream horse waiting for me inside.

That never happened.

Moral of the story, kids? Don't sit around waiting for your parents to buy you a horse.

(But still enjoy the dirtbike they got you instead)

Stories from my Childhood II

Again, I have no idea how old I was when this happened, nor do I remember how this happened. I was definitely old enough and smart enough to know better. Alas, I am the youngest and was at the mercy of an older brother and sister. Sadistic buggers, they were.

They managed to get me outside without any clothes on and then locked me out.

Yeah.

Stories From My Childhood I

We were driving through the mountains on our way to BC, probably for Christmas or something; I don't entirely remember. These were in the days of our old Ford mini van, the one whose bench seats folded backwards and formed a bed, except there was one end that was shorter than the rest of the bed because the one bench wasn't as long as the back one. I always got that short end because I'm the youngest (even though I've always been the tallest), but that's beside the point.

I don't know exactly how old I was at the time, my best guess is around 7 or 8, but then again, who knows.

Suddenly there was a loud pop! and my parent's looked at each other with concern. My dad looked in the rearview mirror at us kids and said, "I think I just popped a tire! Did you kids hear that?"

We all agreed that we had heard it, our heartrates increasing because things were about to get interesting on a long and normally boring drive.

Mom piped in, "I think the van is lop-sided! Do you feel it? I really think it is on the passenger side!"

I remember starting to feel scared, because there are cliffs when you are driving through the mountains and this was during my "I'm terrified of driving to BC because I am certain we are going to plummet off the side of the mountain" phase. I didn't totally know what a blown tire meant, but I could pretty much assume that it probably wasn't a good thing and certainly not on the side of a mountain.

"I definitely think the the van is lopsided, guys! I can totally feel it on my side!" This was me, starting to get a little hysterical.

That's when Mom, shaking with laughter, held up the paper bag she had popped minutes earlier to simulate the sound of a blown tire. I never knew my parents as pranksters until that moment.

MDS Top 10

Last week I took a group of students to Dulzura, CA to work with Mennonite Disaster Service. Wild fires in 2007 destroyed 311 homes and MDS has been working at rebuilding just a handful (but a very important handful) of them. While it's exhausting to always be the one in charge, it was a great trip. We did a lot of good work and had lots of laughs. Here are my top 10 favourite moments from this year's trip:

1. The first thing I saw when I stepped off the plane in San Diego was a woman who had been botox-ed to high heaven. I barely contained my audible gasp and thought to myself, "Welcome to California!"

2. I fell a little bit in love with an Old Order Mennonite man named Merlyn. Like, not seriously in love, but just a little bit.

3. Enterprise screwed up our reservation (not my favourite moment) and we ended up having two vehicles for the first day, a 12-passenger van and a small car. My buddy Dave and I ended up driving the car out to Dulzura. We had a hot date in the red HHR. (Not really, but that's what we say).

4. On Tuesday night we drove to the Mexican border (10 miles away) and walked across into a town called Tecate. We had a blast wandering around this little town, trying to overcome the language barrier and we ate the best Mexican food I've ever had.

5. Our server at the Mexican restaurant was precious and I wanted to take her home with me in my pocket.

6. I got to use power tools. Lots and lots of power tools.

7. I got to drive a Bobcat. Pretty much the coolest I've ever been.

8. I got to hold a baby goat and he was precious.

9. I got to spend some quality time getting to know my cousin's girlfriend and I love her. I know they're young and relatively new in this relationship, but selfishly I hope she becomes part of our family.

10. Every evening we gave reports about what went on during the day and during his report on lying under the house installing insulation all day, one of the students said, "That's the most fun I've ever had on my back." We all lost it and I was wiping tears for a solid 20 minutes. Best moment of the trip.

Dream Weaver

My dreams are wacked.

Last night I dreamt that my sister got engaged (while not imminent, this is not out of the realm of possibility). But then I dreamt that I (and a furry little friend that looked suspiciously like Sid the Sloth) were at war with an elephant and a monkey in my old house in Coaldale.

WTF?

Blonde Moment of the Day

I had a brilliant idea today to prank my co-worker, Ron. He's an Oilers fan. I'm a Flames fan. I was about to throw away my 2009 Flames calendar when I decided that a better use for it would be to plaster it all over Ron's office! And so I did.

Unfortunately, I also left behind my tape dispenser that has "Dana" written across it.

Yes, yes, I'm a rock star.

Winds of Change

There's nothing like the holiday season to bring you face to face with all that is changing around you. If you're like me and don't always do well with change, this can be somewhat of a tough time of year. But sometimes it's good to sit down and reflect on the things that are different, acknowledge and accept them and then keep on trucking forward.

I love Christmas because it's one of the only times in the year that my family gets to all be together. Every year for the past few we've had another wee child running around the house and that kind of change is fun. This year we had another guest (bigger than a wee child) and although I was somewhat reluctant to share our family time with him initially, it was natural and relaxing to have him there.

But when we are all together like that it reminds me that we are all getting older. Adult children have middle aged parents and I fear my parents getting older. Granted, they are still very young, but I wish I could stop time and keep them that way. I still need them.

It's interesting to look back 5 years and see what a different person I've become. Most of the changes are great, but I have to stop and mourn some of the lost naivete and idealism.

And looking forward to the future I anticipate some of the changes to come and dread others. But I cherish the things that remain the same: my dearest friends, my family and my faith.

Happy New Year, friends.

High Maintenance Blog

My blog is high maintenance. Well, maybe it's me that's high maintenance. But my blog always has to look nice. It's pretty much one of the best parts of having a blog actually, choosing a new background. I love looking through websites and finding some that makes my heart go 'yes!" It seems that the background I choose reflects how I'm feeling at the moment. My previous backgroung was very bright and bubbly! This one is more subdued. Calm and classy. And that's how I'm feeling these days.

I wish it didn't say Merry Christmas down the side so I could keep it forever and ever.

Joey's? Yes, please!

It was Roommate Christmas 2009 this weekend. We get all dressed up, go out for dinner and then go see the Living Christmas Tree production at a local church before heading home to open gifts. It is a fantastic tradition that we all dearly love.

This year we decided to go to Joey's for dinner. It's a rather new restaurant in our area and is a bit fancier and since we were getting dressed up in our little black dresses we figured it would be a good choice. I like to look at the nutritional info online before I go to a restaurant so that I can make better choices about what I eat. So last week I went to Joey's website and while they didn't have the nutritional info there, it said to email an address if you wanted the info. So I did. And very shortly (20 minutes later, I'd say) I received a personal email back from their culinary manager apologizing, saying they were doing some work on the website but the nutrition should be up by the next day. In the meantime he was willing to send me the nutrition on any items I wanted. Impressed, I responded saying that it wasn't urgent and I would just check back later.

A week later I went back to the website to check and it still wasn't up, so I emailed the same address again, this time requesting nutritional info for a few dishes. Again, very promptly the culinary manager emailed me back a personal email with the details. I told him that even if I didn't like Joey's food (although I was sure I would) I would always be supremely impressed with their service.

So we arrived there on Friday night and the hostess started chatting with us about why we were all dressed up. We told her it was Roommate Christmas and she got all excited because she was going to have a chance to get all dressed up the next night and we had inspired her. Then our server, Kevin, came to take our drink order. He also commented on how dressy we were and joked with us throughout the night about many things. He was quite delightful (and uber cute).

We had planned that we wanted to get a picture of us at the restaurant and, joking, I said to the girls that I thought we needed a picture with Kevin. When he came back to the table after we had paid, we asked him to take our photo and he said "only if I get to get in on the action!" How could we refuse?!

As we got up to leave a manager came over to us and said "Ladies, we loved having you in our restaurant tonight. You made Kevin's weekend, you made my night. What you represent is exactly what we want this place to be about. I know you're in a hurry but we would really like to offer you dessert on us sometime, so here is my card, give me a call next time before you come in and we'll hook you up." We were all blown away. He was genuine and sincere, this wasn't a sleezy attempt to suck up to us. We hadn't done anything spectacular (except look awesome!) but they loved us.

I am beyond impressed with this restaurant's culture of customer care. The food was great, by the way. But beyond that they really took care of us and that is really refreshing in our world today. Kudos, Joey's. Kudos. Also, Kevin is my new BFF.

Alicia, Barbara, Errin, me, Kevin

I didn't know it was possible to love them this much

Just thinking about them makes me grin and my heart melt into a little puddles. They make my heart come alive.

Quarter Life Crisis

So I turned 25 yesterday. I have always really loved having birthdays; for someone who is usually quite content to stay out of the spotlight, I love being the special one for a day. I also love turning a year older. I have always had a habit of not really saying my true age. Like when I'm asked how old I am, I will usually say something like "turning 24 this year" or whatever age is appropriate. I don't know why. I think it's a combination of things. I'm the youngest child and have always wanted to be seen as equal to my older siblings instead of the little sister, so I always wanted to be older than I was. Also my birthday is late in the year so I am usually the youngest out of all my friends. Again, wanting to be equal to everyone else. Wow, does anyone else sense this underlying self-conciousness about being the youngest? Good goodness.

Anyways, all that to say, I've been eyeing my looming 25th birthday with some trepidation. I don't know what I expected life to look like at 25. I do remember saying that I wanted to be done having kids by 25 because I had heard somewhere that that lowers your chance of uterine cancer or something (seriously, what 10 year old thinks of these things?! Me, apparently.) And so here I am, 25 and not only have I not started having kids, they are nowhere on the horizon (which is actually really ok....so not ready for them at this point).

I dunno, there were definitely a few "Holy crap! I'm 25!" moments yesterday and it still feels a little odd, but it's not totally the crisis I anticipated. I thought that I would really have a hard time if there was no guy in my life, if marriage wasn't at least on the distant horizon, but I'm pretty content right now. I'm not convinced that I'm in the right place for a relationship right at this moment (I reserve the right to change my tune if someone comes along, fyi). So really, I'm just going to keep living my life, enjoying what God has provided me with and following where He leads me.

Oh and my other goal this year is to consistently answer "I'm 25" when people ask me my age. None of this "turning 26 this year" business. Because, let's face it, it's just a downhill slide to 30 from here and eeghads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Church Joy

When I was a kid I kinda hated church. It was really boring, Sunday School sucked and I eventually reached an age where I wasn't allowed to bring books or fall asleep on my dad's arm anymore.

We went to church every single Sunday. Yeah, we were one of those families. My parents were always super involved, both in our particular church and in the larger conference our church belonged to. I remember my dad going to many, many evening meetings.

Then my dad became a pastor when I was 15. So then we actually had to relocate because of church. Man, I hated it. The church we moved to was nothing like the one I had grown up in and I did nothing but resent it for three solid years, until I could hightail it outta there to Bible School. And even in college I really only went to church because everyone else was. But I sure spent my fair share of Sunday mornings with Pastor Pillow, if you know what I'm saying.

When I returned to Manitoba after Bible School I went church hunting. For a year I attended one with a Bible School friend and even though I got a little bit involved, never really settled into it. Once I moved out with friends I started going to their church. And still, while I found a large group of friends and even a boyfriend, I had a hard time settling. I was unhappy with the pastor's preaching style, judged the worship teams. What a brat. Seriously.

Finally I started getting involved. I joined a worship team. I became a youth sponsor. I started worship leading. I did a pastoral internship. And then I realized "I'm settled."

I have grown to deeply love my church and my church family. Through my internship I got to know so many people, all different age groups. I particularly love our seniors. They're a riot. I began to appreciate our pastor and his wealth of wisdom. I love getting up on Sunday mornings to go to church because I love worshipping there and I love the people I worship with. What a gift.

This is the first church that I have ever called my own. Growing up I just went to the church my family went to and then the one my dad pastored. In college I just went to the one that sent a bus to pick us up. Now, I have chosen a church, I have chosen to get involved and I've chosen to make it home. I would be devastated if our pastor were to leave. I can now understand why that hurts people so badly. I want to be involved there for as long as I'm living here. I want to walk down their beautiful centre aisle on my wedding day. I'd like to someday be able to serve there with my husband.

"Church" is touchy for a lot of people. Many have been hurt by the church and it holds a lot of painful memories for them. But for me, it is just such a gift.

Trust

"Trust" is not knowing the outcome but believing that because God is sovereign, the outcome will be inherently good.