I'm Lovin' It

Isn't life awesome? I love being able to say that as someone who has experienced depression and discontentment with my life. I love being able to have peace about the future, knowing Who is in control. I love looking ahead to what's coming with anticipation. I love looking at what's happening right now and bask in its awesomeness. I love looking back at where I've been, seeing how far I've come and praising Jesus that I made it out in one piece.

A year ago my heart hurt so badly and the night was still dark. Today my heart is healed, as is my relationship (now a friendship) with J. It is lovely to know that I survived that and became a better person for it.

I have friends who mean the world to me, who make life brighter and who are proof of God's love for me. I thank Him every day for them.

I have a family who, while being far away, support me and encourage me in everything I do. After struggling to find my place in this family, I love the security I now find there. I love that my sister and I have formed a special kind of friendship in our adulthood; our conversations are now borne out of shared experiences and life lessons and this is a blessing.

I have a job that I love most of the time (I say "most of the time" for a reason. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome job and I can't believe I get paid to do some of the things I do. I work with a fabulously supportive team and my boss is one of the best I've ever had. It's just there are some areas of my job that require skills that are not my strengths and this is frustrating sometimes). I am in the profession of helping people which is exactly where I want to be.

Life is so good today. Summer is on it's way, holidays are coming and I'm happy, baby!

This Moment Brought to You by Humiliation Central

As I was leaving my hairdresser's today she said "You've got something stuck to your bum!". With that embarassed feeling making my stomach feel all yucky, I felt around and pulled off a sticker. Turns out the sizing sticker from the new t-shirt I decided to wear today managed to adhere itself to my behind.

That's just what I need - to go around advertising my ass as XL.

Hold the Phone

So, as it turns out, I'm a grown-up. That happened sometime in the past 10 years without me realizing it.

25 is looming. Looming. I mean it's 6 months away, but to me, that's still looming. 25 means 5 years till I'm 30. I want to marry someone older than me prefferably, which means he'll be even closer to 30 than me. Eeegads.

I've realized recently that now that I'm done my BA (and have been done for a year, I might add), I should probably think about the next step. Logically that seems to be grad school, but I don't feel old enough to be thinking about grad school. Then I realize that if I had done my BA in 4 years like you're supposed to instead of 6, I could conceivably be finished my masters by now and that really makes me shit the proverbial brick.

Let's just back this bus up a bit here and figure out where the hank time went.

My Peace I Give You

I know, I know, I have been a horrible blogger so far this year. I've got nothing in the way of explanation, other than...I just don't wanna. So there. But today I feel like writing a bit and so I will. And then this blog will probably again sit silent until the urge strikes again. So just keep being patient, intra-readers. Keep being patient and keep checking because you never know what might change.

It's been an interesting few months. They've flown by. Like, really. Seeing as I work in a university I still measure time like students do - in terms of semesters. And this semester is done this week. Like, that's just nuts.

Since January I've been on a, how shall we call it, roller coaster journey. It's a whole long story but in January Justin and I began talking about getting back together. It blindsided us both - but it seemed that God had opened doors to at least allow that conversation to take place. Justin was in Regina finishing his RCMP training and so we started by just sending emails. He graduated in February and came home for a week before moving up north to his first posting. We spent some time together that week - that was both good and really tough. We decided to keep moving in the direction of getting back together, but agreed to take it slowly.

We took it so slowly that it just never went anywhere. It was such a frustrating time for me. He had enough distractions with his new life that it was easier on him. For me, that's all I had to think about. And then I'd start to worry and panic - but over and over God just gave me peace. And wisdom. Finally I sensed that it just wasn't happening on his end. Even though I had chosen to open myself to everything that being with him would mean, Justin could never quite get his head there and so last week we decided that our futures are still without one another.

Now we all remember how horrific it was for me the first time I had to break up with him. I never wanted to do it a second time. I never thought I could survive a second one. But you know what? I'm fine. I won't say there haven't been a moment or two of sadness or a bit of anger, but they have been very brief moments.

The best way I can describe it is that I am free. I don't have to wonder "what if?" anymore. I would have wondered forever, I think, if we'd made the right decision the first time around, if we could have made it work after all. Now I know. And it's fine. This peace is so unlike me. I'm a worrier - I feel everything really strongly with my heart and my heart and my head are rarely on the same page. It's a gift that they are now, in this. I can let him go, like really let him go this time, for good. I am free of what has held me captive for the past two and a half years and I can look to the future. I've believed that I could never love anyone again the same way I loved him - and in a way that may be true. They say that you never forget your first love and maybe I'll never totally forget what it was like to love him and what we learned together - because I believe we learned a lot. But I hope that next time, with the right guy, I love differently. I hope that I love with more respect. I hope I love with more patience. I love being in love - there is no feeling like it - and I hope I get to do it again (maybe soon? So much for patience...). But now I have hope that someone else out there is better for me. No more "what ifs?"

I've kept a journal ever since breaking up with Justin the first time. There is an unbelievable amount of pain in there. I've read over it a few times and the weight of that grief is crushing. I threw it out yesterday. No big ceremony, no burning it in a fire in any type of feminist symbolic action. I just looked at it and knew I didn't need it anymore. I didn't want it anymore either - there's enough hurt in there to drown a horse. So I just put it in the trash bag and didn't give it any more thought than it needed. It's over. Finally.

God's peace is pretty good.

Darkness and Light

I really hate the dark. Since I was young I’ve had a rather irrational fear of the dark. Our dark basement terrified me. If I was ever left home alone, my parents would come home to find every single light in the house on. Now that I pay electrical bills, I understand their frustration with me. The worst possible thing you could do is make me play a game outside in the dark, especially the dark forest. My friends tried this in Bible School. I stood on the path swinging a very large branch around.

When I drive in the dark, my eyes don’t seem to work as well and I get frustrated. My house has very stupid lighting. There are not light fixtures in any of the bedrooms, so I have a floor lamp and a string of mini lights – only half of which work. I get frustrated.

I think both my fear and my frustration with darkness stem from my need to be in control. I feel very out of control in the dark, I can’t see very well, I never know what’s lurking just beyond the edges of what I can see. Suffice it to say I would be a very awful blind person.

Have you ever felt as though you are standing in a pitch black room and there is only one small circle of light and you are standing in the middle of it? You can’t see anything past the edge of the circle. This is often how I feel in life.

I’ve come to realize that God is in that pitch black room and that circle of light is His gift of grace to me. I can’t see beyond it’s edges but it lights enough to keep me safe. Even if I move, that circle of light stays with me. When God calls me forward, the light moves with me, illuminating enough of the path that I am safe. I often have fear over not knowing what is in front of me, not knowing what is surrounding me out there in the darkness, but in His light, I can see. And that’s enough for me.

Psalm 143:8 – “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

True Story

Last night a group from church got together. This is the "post-C&C" group, who are too old to go to C&C but don't fit in the "young marrieds" group either. We're figuring out a way to just be our own demographic as part of the church. Anyways, we don't want to be called the "20s & 30s group" so we were trying to come up with an appropriate name. This is part of the conversation that followed:

Errin: "The seniors at my church are called "Free & Easy."

Me: "Is that the widows group?"

A direct line to heaven

It's hard to pray and not tell God what to do. I try to pray for God's will, but I know what I really don't want to have happen and how do I be ok if that ends up being what He has in mind? Last time I prayed about something like this, I was a 14 year old child and things didn't work out the way I wanted. But I have a theology degree now...maybe God will be more inclined to hear me out.

The tears come pretty quick and my heart feels a little like breaking.

My life is a novel?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my life were a novel. Sometimes I think it is.

I've been reading a ton this summer. I devour books. As I was reading a book from the church library it suddenly struck me how alike my life is to a novel yet how different it is at the same time. One character said to another in one book, "I'm going to marry you, you know." And I thought, "no, sir, you do not know that. the only reason you say that is because the author made you say that. you can be so certain of that only because you are a character in a novel, someone else is in control of what happens to you."

Someone once told me that he was going to marry me. Turns out he was wrong. Did the Author make him say it? I doubt it. The thing is, stuff doesn't end up quite as neat and tidy as it does in books. None of us knows anything for sure. The only one who does is the Author and He ain't tellin'.

I wish I could read ahead in the novel of my life. It's hard sometimes to trust the Author that He's really got it all under control.

Where you shower twice a day - Tales of Montreal Pt. 3 (the conclusion)

It's been hot here in Winnipeg the last couple of days. Yesterday it was rather muggy as well. Nothing a Winnipeg summer has thrown at me has compared to the climate of Montreal. I'm talking humidity to the degree that the moment you stepped outside you felt sticky. Mmmm. Pleasant.

So naturally, let's go walk around Montreal. In the humidity. Don't get me wrong, it was cool to see the city, but did it have to be so gosh darn heavy out there?

We did a lot of sightseeing. Our conference was over on Saturday at noon and we didn't leave for home until Monday afternoon and seeing as our hotel was out in the boonies, we had to find some way to fill our time. So we took a bus and two metro trains down to Old Montreal and walked. And walked and walked and walked.

I've never enjoyed walking much. Usually I would rather just run somewhere. You see, walking for long periods of time makes me sweaty. I don't like to be all sweaty unless I have purposed to get sweaty, ie. while working out. So walking has never been my favorite thing to do, especially in the mugginess. But dang were there some cool sights to see.

I saw the church where Celine Dion got married. Ornate is the word that comes to mind. (this picture was taken by Val Penner)

I saw St. Jospeh's Oratory. Cool building. Lots of stairs. And a heart ensconsed in fermaldehyde. (this picture was taken by Val Penner)

I saw the Olympic Stadium. Looking kind of run down but cool architecture.

I saw the harbor. Lots of boats. Really really nice boats. Like the ones at the yacht club. So pretty.

I saw the cobblestone streets that reminded me of Europe. Oh Europe.

I saw the fireworks. There was an international fireworks competition happening while we were there and we caught the 1/2 hour show by Portugal. Pretty cool but I couldn't help think to myself, There are people dying of hunger in this world and we spend half a million dollars just to blow things up the sky? (this picture was taken by Val Penner)

All in all, a cool place. But did I mention I almost melted???

Where "Jesus" is a swear word - Tales of Montreal Pt. 2

Now, don't get your panties in a knot over that title and just listen.

I learned a lot about the spiritual culture in Quebec while I was there. It's a sad state of affairs. There was a whole lot of church growth in the 60s and 70s there and now it has died off in the worst was. The Catholic church bears much of the blame for this. Did you know that they required women to bear a child every year or risk being cut from the church? Me thinks they took the verse, "women will be saved through childbirth" a little seriously.

In light of the harshness of the church, many people want nothing to do with religion of any kind. If you mention Jesus to them, they run, literally run, the other direction. Evangelism is challenging in a place like this. We met a couple who have started a "church" in their back alley. They do church without mentioning Jesus. Basically they're a presence in the poorest French community in Montreal.

On the second night of the convention we convened on the top of Mount Royal, which overlooks Montrel, for a worship time. This is not a private place; we were not the only ones there. I didn't participate in the small group prayer time so I was able to observe some of the locals. There was a group of three girls, drinkning wine from bottles, who were watching all that was taking place. No, not just watching, they were mocking. The stood beside a group of people praying, wrapped their arms around each other and pretended to pray as well, while their friend snapped a picture. Many more imitations and pictures later, they broke out into the Hallelujah chorus.

They really were being quite ignorant, yet I felt absolutely no anger. Just compassion and profound profound sadness. They just don't have any idea. Oh, my heart just broke for them.

The whole experience atop Mount Royal was...surreal. Now, we all know that I am no evangelist. Not in the slightest. I prefer to live my faith and I am the last person you will find preaching from a street corner. I also try to be sensitive to the needs and opinions of others. So a public worship service atop a mountain in a very anti-Christian community is not going to be my cup of tea. And then to ask me to "yell for Jesus." Now you're just begging me to roll my eyes at you.

How do you think those people felt as we yelled about "the harvest being ripe" (no, I'm not joking, they did) and other Christian slogans. We might as well have been screaming obsenities at them. In their culture, we basically were.

Quebec needs Jesus. I am convinced of that, don't get me wrong. The MB Conference needs people to go and do that work. The way we did it last weekend was not the right way.

Bonjour, Hello - Tales of Montreal Pt. 1

Well, internet friends, it's been awhile. First there was nothing really exciting to write about and then life got busy and I had no time to fill you in. But have no fear, I have not forgotten you.

Today I got home from a trip to Montreal. The Canadian Mennonite Bretheren Conference met there this year for Gathering 2008. I went as a delegate from Fort Garry and also as part of my internship. This was a pretty cool opportunity and I really appreciated it. It was a great chance to network and get to know a lot of people whose names I know but have never met. It was also less intimidating because my parents were also there and my dad was great at introducing me to people. I am well-known through my father who is "famous" in the MB conference. I swear everyone knows him. My sister-in-law jokes that she married into MB royalty. It's really not that bad...

As we touched down in Montreal I felt a sense of awe that there is a whole half of Canada that I've never seen. I also somewhat expected to feel as though Montreal was almost a different country, with it's different culture and language. As the shuttle took us to the hotel we passed a Dollarama and I was excited. Not because I needed or wanted to go to Dollarama but because I was relieved to see a word that I could actually read...

In a way, Quebec is a little like being in another country. First, there is the aforementioned language difference. I was told that pretty much everyone spoke English as well as French. This was not the case at the restaurant where I tried to order my first Quebecois meal. I don't know that I actually got what I thought I ordered.

Also, they drive like Europeans. Lane markings are mere suggestions and we seemed to be quite comfortable taking up two lanes most of the time. The streets too, especially in Old Montreal, look very much like the cobblestone streets I saw in Europe. It was very interesting.

The opening worship service for Gathering was amazing. It was a bilingual service with everything being translated into French which was frustrating in a lot of ways. Two women shared their testimonies. The first was in french and the second was in english. Neither were translated into the other language. So I have no idea what the first woman said. It was so humbling to realize that this is what it is like for many many people. I am used to hearing the dominant language almost constantly. I really don't know what it's like to not understand and it was interesting to put myself in someone else's shoes.

The worship was really really good. We all know I've been pretty spiritually apathetic lately and God broke down some walls during that service. I don't know if I've ever been moved to tears by worship - which is so tragic- but there I was, tears streaming down my face, my hand in the air like a pentacostal poster child, worshipping my Jesus. It was powerful and not something I am likely to forget any time soon.

Stay tuned for more Tales from Montreal...

I told you so

I just happened to see this article on my MSN home page today,

http://www.slate.com/id/2193879/?GT1=38001

I rest my case.

Bags, Bags and more Bags

Here's a couple cool things that cool people are doing.

Bags for Darfur - this lady makes handbags out of recycled fabrics (mostly purchased from thrift stores, etc.) and all the proceeds go to supprt the effort to provde shelter and aid to the people of Darfur.

My friend Leah's sister Jennie is making Bags for Zaza. Zaza is a little girl that a couple in Florida wants to adopt (they call her Zaza because we don't know who she is yet). Jennie isn't buying any new fabric, she is using stuff that has been piling up in her house over the years. Since she is spending $0 on buying new material, all of her proceeds can go towards the family waiting to bring Zaza home.

All of these bags are incredible. There have been many on the site that I have wanted to buy but never got around to actually doing it. Alas, now these bags are being worn by different women around the country.

I think these are really cool efforts. Go check 'em out.

Phobo-mania

I hate bugs. I mean, really really hate them. I wish it were funny, but to me it's not, it's just disturbing. I've never been much of a girly-girl but bugs...I can't do bugs.

It's not all bugs really, I can handle most of them, most of them time. I mean I never like them crawling on me and get really freaked out if I find them in my room or, worse, in my bed **shudder** but I can usually handle them.

Manitoba has a few species of bugs that I cannot handle. I have a paralyzing fear of wood ticks and get the MAJOR heebie-jeebies around cankerworms. These are bugs that I did not know about prior to moving to this horrid province (Note: I know I recently said that Manitoba was home but a)I really only like it from September to October when there are neither bugs nor frigid temperatures; and b) it's the people who make it feel like home...I actually care very little for the province itself). I was not aware that Alberta had ticks or cankerworms although my parents assure me they were there. Ticks are apparently in Indian Battle Park but we never went down there during their season. And there must have been cankerworms because my parents say that I am just like my grandma...if there are worms hanging off the trees she doesn't go outside.

Wood ticks are impossible to kill and burrow their tiny little heads into your skin and suck your blood until they are fat and red. **shhhhuuuudddder** They hide in inconspicous places like behind ears, in your hair and in your nether-regions. People try to tell me that they only live in long grasses out in the countryside. They lie. True, I have never seen one in the city but my friend said he got one from the field across from our house and that's enough for me. I stick to the pavement.

Wood tick season is generally from May to June and as if that's not bad enough, in June the cankerworms come out. They spend all spring eating the leaves of all the trees and when they are nice and full they rappel from the trees from thin strings. So you're walking along and all of the sudden you are surrounded by these little green worms hanging off of the trees. **shhhhuuuudddder**

So you see, neither the grass nor the pavement is safe from disgusting bugs.

Last night I was at a barbeque and I found it impossible to enjoy myself. I was tense the entire time. You see, this yard was well shaded by trees. Cankerworm trees. I could see them hanging down just waiting to land on me. What's worse is that every so often you would think that you felt teeny tiny raindrops on you. Only it wasn't raining. The damn worms were peeing on me. And if that's not bad enough, I would look down and see these little black round things all over, on my clothes, on my plate, in my hair, everywhere. It was raining worm shit too! I wonder how much worm feces I ate last night. I just don't want to think about it.

This is enough to confine me to my house until these bugs are gone. Only once they're gone the mosquitoes come. Thankfully mosquitoes don't like me that much and neither do they disgust me like the aforementioned.

I think something is wrong with me. It's not just a minor annoyance with these insects...I quite literally will just stay in my house to avoid them. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone just make the bugs go away? Help me.

Good for a Laugh

"No other organism makes a showier display of its sex life than the angiosperm."

Thanks for the tip, Biology Textbook.

The Uphill Journey

Well, things are on the up and up, it seems. I still have a long way to go, but I also realize that this is a life-long journey that I am not expecting to perfect. However, I have made some progress out of the spiritual desert. And for that I am thankful.

It actually had a lot to do with the sermon I've been working on the last few weeks. I really don't enjoy preaching a whole lot. Actually, it's the writing that I don't like. I've always been good at it, but it just drains me and makes me act like I have adult ADD. I don't mind the speaking as much, although the nerves that happen right before are unpleasant. But once I get up there and start speaking I'm just fine. I'm also a good faker so people can't usually tell that I'm nervous. That's a blessing. The last thing I want is to make people feel anxious for me because I'm displaying anxiety. Have you ever felt that? You know the person up there is nervous or not comfortable, or they're really bombing up there and you get that yucky knot in your stomach too? I don't like doing that to people.

ANYways...long detour there. My church is doing a family series right now and I preached on family blessing, based on 2 Samuel 7 where king David tells God that he is going build him a temple and God says "no i'm going to build you a house" which was really a covenant he made with David ensuring the rule of his family forever, which came true with the birth of Jesus, the Eternal King. Talk about family blessing!

I then related this to how God is blessing our family as well...he has created His family and we are members in it. When we think of that stark grace that God is pouring out by establishing his covenant with us, it is overwhelming and we ask, just like David asked, "Why me? Who am I? What makes me so special that God would choose me?"

We are not perfect, but neither was David and God chose him. God chose us. Talk about family blessing.

If you want you will be able to listen to my sermon here. It's not posted up there yet, but keep checking...it should go up this week sometime. I wouldn't say that it's the best sermon I've written, but I would say that it is what God put on my heart to say. Maybe I say it's not my best sermon because I haven't heard a ton of feedback on it and I am insecure still in my preaching abilities and so I feel slightly nervous about how it's all perceived. All that aside, I do feel that this was the message God gave me to say last Sunday and that is all I could ever hope for.

So it was through writing and thinking about this that God drew me back to him. When I finally made the final connection in my brain (which eventually happens during the sermon-writing process) it really stopped me in my tracks. It just kept running over and over in my mind "God chose me. He chose me. He chose me." It was a wonderful realization. I'm not perfect and yet God chose me. And it made me excited about my faith again. That brings joy where before I felt empty.

Getting Back on the Horse

I do have an update regarding my previous post, but I'm preaching this Sunday and my follow-up is closely realted to what I will say in my sermon, so I'm going to hold off a few days until after I've preached it. That way those of you from here who read my blog can hear the sermon first. Call me anal. I don't care.

In other news, I went for my first run tonight in a long while. I have known that I need to get my arse off the couch, but knowing is different than doing. I lost 15 pounds in the first four months of this year. Some of it was the result of hard work at the gym, which was also driven by my post-breakup brush with anorexia (yes, I admit it, to those of you who suspected it, I'm sorry for lying, thanks for worrying about me). Don't worry, I was never truly committed to being anorexic, but I did flirt with the idea. And honestly, I just wasn't hungry and was actually mostly nauseous all day every day. Food really held no appeal. So I dropped 15 pounds. However I did it, it still happened.

And I felt great. I felt pretty. I felt hopeful.

Then I first injured my back and then sprained my ankle and my trips to the gym stopped very suddenly. Also, as my heart finally healed, I was no longer constantly nauseous (thank the Lord). Combine that with a trip to see my Grandma in Alberta where I had plenty of wonderful Mennonite meals and my stomach size has stretched right back out.

I feel yucky. I feel heavy. I feel discouraged.

I know that exercise makes me feel good about myself. I know to be healthy I need to drop a few more pounds, especially with the family genes I have inherited. But sometimes it's just so hard to get off the couch. And it's hard to say no to the second bowl of ice cream. But I must. For me, I must.

In other news, Happy Birthday to my adorable nephew Caleb, who is 2 today.

Spiritual PMS

Is there such a thing? If there is I think I might have it. Somehow I don't think the pharmacy sells an over-the-counter pill for it...

I'm going through a dry spell spiritually. God doesn't feel all that close and it seems like a far hike to get back. I'm having a hard time wanting to pray and when I do, my prayers seem to hit the ceiling and fall right back into my lap. Lately I've been involved in lots of meetings where I am forced to pray out loud. I used to not mind that so much. Now I loathe it. I can't think of anything to say and everything feels so disjointed. Even my body feels weird...my eyes are closed but I feel like everything is spinning. I don't like it.

One of my goals this year was to read through the Bible. I did really well for january and february. I haven't touched my Bible much since then and I know it is a root cause of the spiritual desert I find myself in. But now I'm so far behind I feel like I can't catch up.

This just leaves me so frustrated. I'm working in a church for goodness sake...I'm technically a pastor right now! Pastors aren't supposed to be in a spiritual desert. The mountain just looks so steep...






I am just so grouchy today.

Mmm, ironic?

So God has funny timing. You know how I just posted about how Manitoba has become home? Well last weekend my parents resigned at the church in Selkirk. I don't know where they're going (neither do they) but there is of course the possibility that they won't stay in Manitoba. This place is home, but will it still be home when I'm the only one left here?

Feels Like Home to Me

I've lived in Manitoba for nearly nine years now (including the two years I spent at CBC). Before that I lived in Alberta for fifteen years; thirteen of the those years were spent on the very farm my father grew up on. The last two years were spent living in the house my grandma lived in for as long as I can remember...it was my second home in a variety of ways.

Moving to Manitoba wasn't easy. I wanted to stay in Coaldale, I wanted to keep my friends, I wanted to graduate from the same high school that my dad, sister and brother all graduated from. I wanted to stay at home. For these reasons and more, I refused to allow Manitoba to become home. I bided my time, knowing that I had to endure three years of high school before I could move to BC for Bible college and I had no intentions of returning to this "waste land" as I called it. Alas, financial pressures being what they are in life, and the economy being what it is in the west, I did return to Manitoba after Bible school. And still, Manitoba did not feel like home to me.

It's four years later, and just now am I beginning to be able to call Winnipeg "home." It's not that I think I will stay here forever, because I highly doubt I will, but I have a life here now. I have a church home where I am involved, appreciated and nurtured. I have extremely close friends in a variety of networks, many of whom I can't bear to be separated from for any length of time. I have a house (well, sort of). I finally have allowed myself to feel at home here.

So how come whenever I travel to Alberta my eyes fill with tears as soon as I enter the province? Why am I instantly enveloped in this comforting sense of really being home when I cross the border? Why do I still instinctively know that there is nothing like the Alberta sky? Why is west my favorite direction? Why do I have this hard knot in my stomach, like I'm going the wrong direction, that I'm leaving something extremely important behind that gets farther and farther away with each passing mile road as we head back to Manitoba?

I guess I'll always be an Alberta girl.

Hrmmm

I have three exams this week (for which I have just started studying today...) One exam is on preaching. Another is on my spirituality. The third is on counseling.

Is it just me or are these three of the least testable subjects around?

Self Soothing

Parents have to teach their babies to self-soothe at some point. The ones who don't learn to self-soothe usually cause their parents all kinds of grief, ie. waking them up multiple times in the night for comfort. They also generally grow up to become less well-adjusted adults. Self-soothing is an important life skill.

I think God has given us copious self-soothing tools in Scripture. I have forgotten this lately and have simply allowed myself to feel increasingly oppressed by the amount of anger and hurt there remains to be healed.

" But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of the anguish in my soul.

Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.

Surely it was for my benfit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.

For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down in the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living - they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers and mothers tell their children about your faithfulness."

~ Isaiah 38:15-19

Sometimes I forget that I have the ability to self-soothe.

Punk'd

Props to the Meadowood boys. Triple props in fact.


Six months ago we Mapleridge girls decided it was time to bring back the old-school business of pranking. None of us had pranked since Bible school days and we were feeling the urge. The Meadowood house is a group of four of our closest male friends. They made for easy targets.


We knew they would be out of town one weekend. We convinced dear sweet Ben that we wanted to pull a prank on Garry only (this was not a lie at the time). So dear sweet Ben left us his house key. When we got inside we realized our original prank was not going to work so we had to come with plan B. So we turned their kitchen into a beach. Complete with an inflatable palm tree. And gold fish in a blow up pool. And in their kitchen sink. And we took a picture of us three on the beach and saved it as the desktop picture on every computer we could find. Oh and we had the Beach Boys CD blaring for when they got home. It was classic. This is what it looked like.







We have waited nervously for six months. I had visions of dead goldfish turning up in random places.


Tonight at 10:03 our doorbell rang. Alicia opened the door, quickly slammed it shut and said, "There are chickens at our door."



What?! Uh huh. Three chickens between our screen door and inside door. Alive. Wearing diapers. Pecking at the door. Pooping. Chickens.







Thankfully the culprits were still hanging around, watching and laughing at us as all three of us jumped off our balcony to get outside, because there was no way we were opening the door from the inside. They took the chickens away for us (I don't even want to think about what's going to happen to the poor things). But they left the poopy diapers. And a basket full of decorated eggs. And a CD of the Chicken Dance song.



Apparently Barbara foiled their original plan. We were all supposed to be gone this afternoon and the boys were going to break into our house, put poly down in our kitchen and leave the chickens in there. Which would have been extra hilarious. Alas, Barbara was home and thus saved us a different sort of mess.



Hilarious, cute prank. The kind we like. Good for more than a few laughs.

Disjointed conversations

This is a conversation I had tonight with Janessa. This is a mere sample of what happened over the course of the evening. If I had a gong, I would ring it.

Janessa: (trying to get comfortable on the couch, eventually wedging her foot between cushions which are now haphazardly strewn on the couch) "Ah, finally."

Me: (with one eye on the Calgary Flames game in the background) "Yeah, this....couch....sometimes is a...little.... "(trailing off)

Janessa: (long pause) Uh....

Me: "Yeah, that was the end of the sentance."

Janessa: (without missing a beat) "I kind of wish I was dating Joelle!"

Consider the gong rung.

Grief's a bitch

There's this thing with grief. It doesn't really go away completely. Oh, it lessens, sure, how much really depends on the kind of grief and what you're grieving, but it does lessen to some extent. And as time passes the episodes of intense grief space out. They still come and are usually just as intense as if the grief was fresh, but the time between them lengthens.

Today grief came right up and bit me in the ass.

Banned from soft surfaces

So I'm not allowed to sit on soft chairs or couches for a little while. That's a sucky deal. You see I've been at the gym pretty hard core for a couple of weeks now, as in five or six times a week, trying to train for this 5k run in May. My times have been getting better and life is wonderful.

Until this week.

First on Monday my ankle was SUPER sore when I stopped running. Like, so sore that I almost couldn't put weight on it. But you know me, I run through it. The next day, it was ok, but when I was running, again it hurt really badly. Again, just ran through it. By Wednesday I could barely walk. You see, when something is injured, you have to adjust so that you can still run, if you are determined to run. So the sore ankle in turn produced very sore calves, hips and suddenly a very sore knee. The strangest thing about this all was that it was all on the right side of my body. The healthy side. Any major injuries I've had have been to the left side of me, ankle, knee, collarbone, fingers, etc. The right side, while being far from perfect, remained relatively healthy (except for my knee).

So suddenly the right side decided it needs some attention. So whatever, muscle pain in my legs I can handle. It goes away. I can run through that.

Except my knee kept getting worse to the point where I can't really bend it back properly. And then my back had to make it's presence known. (As I write this, I feel like I am 80 years old with all of my ailments). So my back. It's always been weak, because I have an abnormal joint in my pelvis and I also damaged a disk on my L4 vertebrae. Sometimes when I walk (usually when something is wrong, as I am learning) my lower back clicks. Actually, it's kind of like bones grinding together, producing a clicking feeling. Not pleasant. So today the pain kicked in and I finally dragged myself to the chiropractor. The verdict: pelvis joints not wroking properly. They're stuck somehow. The treatment: No running and no sitting on soft chairs or couches.

Boo-urns.

Almost. Over.

I'm. Almost. Done. Ugggggghhhhhhh.

That about sums it up, folks. By next Monday I will be finished my major projects for the semester. Praise. The. Lord. However, before then I actually have to do the work. Dang. I have to write two short sermons (which I hope to do today) and a major research paper on psychology and evil (which I haven't exactly started so much). These things are all due on Monday. The sermons will be done by then for sure, because really, I don't actually have a choice, I must preach them that day. But we will see about the research paper. I'm hoping to get it done. But I make no promises.

Procrastination is a killer. It used to be, in my previous undergraduate years, that I would kind of put things off, but they would always get done on time. Even if I had been really bad with procrastinating, I was never super stressed out because I knew things would all get finished. Then I went to CMU, had a killer year in which nearly everything in my second semester was handed in late and suddenly I realized that I am capable of procrastinating on things to the point where they cannot possibly get finished on time. This year I have been very diligent in getting my work done, sometimes even early! Then I went away for reading week and everything went to pot. I can't find an ounce of motivation in my body. As I write this, I am keenly aware that I am rambling just to put off writing my sermons. I went to bed at 10:00 last night just so I didn't have to try to make myself do homework. I finally got up at 8 this morning when the guilty feelings wouldn't let me sleep anymore.

I loathe writing papers. If all I ever had to do was read, I would be a terrific student. Someday I hope to get a doctorate. The writing involved there is going to kill me I think. That is, if I survive the rest of this week...

Just Say No

No. I'm not writing a paper right now. I don't wanna. So I'm just not doing it, ok? Oh, I feel so guilty. I really need to write a paper. But I sooooo don't wanna.

Anyone want to come distract me???

A Rant

So I've been mentally making a list of everything that confuses/annoys me about people at the gym. The time has come to blog that list. Now, I try not to judge people. When I see people at the gym, I tend to think, "well great, at least they're at the gym! Good for them!" but there are some things that are just so retarded that I must vent about them. Here goes.

Things that confuse/annoy me about people at the gym:

- girls who workout while wearing a thong. I can't think of anything more uncomfortable. **This is something that I would have to notice in the locker room I guess, but it still applies. And no I am not purposely looking at other girls, you sickos, you just see things sometimes.
- girls who swim for exercise in a bikini. I'm sorry, but there's just not a lot of support in a bikini. Put on a one-piece to swim laps, would you?
-people who don't observe time limits on the cardio machines. Do you realize that if you don't end on time you start a domino effect of disaster? Because then I can't start on time which means either I don't end on time and thus screw over the next person or I don't get to finish my workout. And then I am really pissed.
- running as fast as you possibly can on the treadmill (or hiking at the steepes incline) while holding onto the handlebars. This does not actually do you any good. If you cannot exercise your whole body weight at that intensity, then decrease the intensity.
- people who come to the gym in every day clothes. Like jeans. And studded belts. Gosh.
- people who come to the gym in flip-flops. What the hell do you think you are going to be able to do in flip-flops? GOSH.
- old men who wear shorts that are so short that they leave little to the imagination.
- people who sit idly on exercise equipment and proceed to text people on their cell phones. What did you come to the gym for, people??
- people who run with their arms down at their sides as though they are carrying suitcases. I'm no running expert, but even I would say that's bad form!
- people who choose the "forrest walk" program on the treadmill. Get off my f-ing treadmill. Go home. You'll burn more calories cleaning your house. Forrest walk, my ass...

How to Date Your Best Friend

What follows in this blog may sounds strange to those of you who have never had a similar experience. It will also sound strange to the male gender because it turns out they experience friendships very differently from us women. Anyways, this is the story of my best friend Joelle and I.

This friendship was orchestrated in heaven. That is the only way to describe it, honestly. These kinds of relationships cannot be forced, they are truly a gift from God. Joelle and I were acquaintances through friends from church. We knew each other but not well. In January 2006 we both went on a college and career retreat with church. I couldn't tell you how or when it happened, but that weekend we became inseparable. What followed looked very much like a dating relationship.

We are not homosexual, I feel like I should clarify that. Nor are we bisexual. Just to be clear. This was like a dating relationship, but it wasn't. Again, just to be clear.

Joelle and I had our first date at the cheap seats. We went to see Failure to Launch. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving we noticed that The Family Stone was playing in just over an hour. We went across the street for coffee at Starbucks and came back to watch the second movie. It was wonderful. We never ran out of things to talk about and we laughed until our sides hurt.

After that we went everywhere together. You know how when you are dating someone you never have to worry about having to go somewhere alone? That's what this was like. Everyone knew that where one of us would be, the other would be as well. We never went anywhere separately.

You know how when you start dating someone you see them to the exclusion of everyone else? That was us. We were enamoured with each other. We didn't need to hang out with anyone else. We were all we needed. I was at her house or she was at mine basically every day. One night it snowed a couple of millimeters. I declared myself snowed in and we spent the night and the next day giggling and being stupid. She dated a guy for a few months and I didn't care, I hung out with them anyways. Awkward you think? Yes, but not for the reasons you might think. The guy once commented to Joelle that he felt like the third wheel with us. Hah.

We couldn't wait to bring the other one home to meet the family. I don't exactly remember when this happened but it was fun. We spent more time at Joelle's parent's house because she tended to go home more often and I became just another daughter. I love her family.

We used to laugh and joke that if neither of us ever got married we would get "knocked up" and raise our kids together. (It was a joke, don't worry, Mom.)

Joelle got married six months ago. She found the most wonderful man for her and I am so happy for her. But I do miss her. They live out of town now and I don't get to see her nearly as much. I cried for a week after her wedding. Not because I was sad she was married, I just felt like I had lost my best friend much too soon.

She came over last night and we spent the evening like in the old days. We cuddled up on the couch and reminisced about our "dating days" as we like to call them. I was just reminded about how fortunate I am to have been blessed with a best friend like her. Someone who is as in love with me as I am with her. We have never fought, we have never grown tired of each other's company, and the infatuation has never faded. She is my best friend.

Thanks, God, for my best friend.






This is us on her wedding day. The way we are laughing at each other sums up our entire relationship.

Bring on the Wine

Allow me to tell you about my day.

It started off rough. I woke up relatively early (before 8) because the sun was shining rather brightly into my room, thus waking me up from a delightful sleep. Alas, that sunshine is deceiving. It was actually -30 today. Where did the warmer weather go I would like to ask?
H'anyways, I woke up not feeling well at all. I have been down all weekend with a cold. Saturday turned into a retreat of silence for me as my darling voice decided to up and leave for awhile. Sunday I felt marginally better but this morning it seemed as though I had been hit by a truck. I was stuffed up, croaky and feeling quite miserable. But do you think I could fall back asleep? Of course not.

Eventually I got up and took a shower which made me feel marginally better. I made myself a Chocolatey Royale SlimFast shake for breakfast and took it into my room. I wanted to sit down on my bed and drink my breakfast whilst reviewing my notes for the sermon I needed to preach later in class. I set my shake on the nightstand. I went to move something else on the nightstand. That something else fell from my hand, hit my Chocolatey Royale SlimFast shake, causing it to twirl gracefully whilst spewing half its contents onto my alarm clock, nightstand, wall, pillows and carpet. Shit. Pardon the french.

I cleaned it up but I sure wished I could have gone back to bed and started the day over again.

I tried to nap. Twice. And failed. Twice.

I preached my sermon. Which actually went very well. I think. My prof offered me (and a few others) the opportunity to write two homilies and record them for a well know Christian radio talk show. I felt very honored. I don't know if I will do it, but I feel honored nonetheless.

I had a chance to hang out with my friend Jennalene. She fed me an amazing supper. It was lovely. In the course of our visit I decided I didn't feel like going to my evening class. I felt guilty of course. Actually as I left her house and walked toward the building, I decided that I should really go to class. But I decided that I would first go to Starbucks and reward myself for actually going to my class. I got into my car. And I ended up at home. With a DQ Blizzard in my hand. Not quite sure how that happened.

So I just came home and relaxed. Which is nice when you feel as crappy as I currently do. I had a candlelight bubble bath with a deliciouss glass of wine (which has served not only to make me drowsy but also to plug up "by dose.") Lovely. I'm calling it a day.

The Doc Said So

I have a sore throat. I happened to be at the doctor today for something completely unrelated and got her to check my throat, seeing as I was already there and everything. She said it's just a cold (which I figured).

She said to rest. So I am going to take a nap and put off writing my sermon even more.

She also said to drink lots of fluids. So I had a Caramel Frappuccino from Starbucks.

Thursday Thirteen

I'm going to take a stab at a Thursday Thirteen. I figure it's a good way for people to find out a little bit more about me. So here we go: Thirteen Random Facts About Dana

1. I have a freckle on my right eye. I know, freaky right?
2. I hate gum. Like I mean really hate it. It's disgusting and should be illegal.
3. Closely related, I hate mint. Anything mint makes my stomach churn.
4. Again closely related, toothpaste grosses me out. I use it, but I hate it.(Both because it is mint and it's paste. Paste is gross).
5. I make really good scrambled eggs. Like, really good.
6. I was 23 inches long at birth. I basically came out a toddler. Could explain why I am 6 feet tall today.
7. Even though I grew up on a farm I would fail at the game "Name that crop." And no I cannot throw hay bales. I am far too weak.
8. I am extremely double jointed. Especially in my fingers.
9. I sneeze all the time. How annoying.
10. I am the youngest of three but I'm the tallest one of us all.
11. I'm still pretty afraid of the dark. Don't ever take me to a wooded park at night. It's not fun.
12. I can't cross my eyes. It really hurts.
13. My life goal was to be the first female player in the NBA. Then they started the WNBA. Stupid.

In Living Color

I am a little bit in love with this man. It's Jarome Iginla for those of you who don't follow hockey. I saw the Flames play in Minneapolis this past weekend and it was approximately the greatest afternoon of my life. We had crappy seats that were behind the highest point of the nose bleeds, but we decided to look for seats in the lower bowl and managed to watch the entire game from the 12th row. It was unbelievable. Those would have been very expensive tickets and we sat there for $40. Anyways, I feel as though my life dreams have been fulfilled now. I have been in the same building as Jarom Iginla. Nothing left to live for or accomplish. Just kidding, I'm not really that pathetic.

By the way, the Flames won. It was fantastic.

I'm off to Minneapolis to see the Flames play. So long, suckas!

My Love List

Janessa gave me this idea. She said whenever you had a bad day, just make a list of things you love and it will be impossible to be sad. And I liked that. Well my day today was just fine, but I like thinking about the things that I really love. I have no idea how long this list will be, but I'll keep going until I can't think of any more.

1. Caleb - this is my nephew who will turn 2 in June. He is the cutest toddler around. At Christmas I cuddled up to him on the couch and we watched Toy Story 2. Twice. It melted my heart.

2. Hannah - she's my neice and is 3 months old. She is just so pretty and soft and wonderful. She has this serious little frown like she's really pondering everything she's experienced in her short life. She's going to be a philosopher I think.

3. Music - I love singing but even more I love listening to great artists. I'm an ok singer, but I'd never make it as a musician so I just live vicariously through great singers! Lately the artists that have really been making my heart smile are Colbie Caillat and Sara Bareilles. They are fantastic. And honestly, John Mayer and Michael Buble always make my heart smile.

4. The Calgary Flames - I grew up in southern Alberta, so it's part of my DNA to love the Flames. Except I'm a little bit fanatical about them. I am in love with Jarome Iginla. His wife is a lucky woman.

5. Double Lolly suckers - just a good old fashioned candy

6. Hot drinks - I thought of listing them all seperately, but that would be extensive. Here's a few: hot apple cider, earl grey tea, london fogs, chai lattes...

7. Beer - honestly. Maybe it's gross or unclassy for a girl to like beer, but honestly, a cold beer on a hot day? So good. And I really don't drink it very often because I am far too poor/cheap but a nice MGD? Mmmm....

8. Driving - Is it weird that I listed it after beer? DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. EVER. But I really enjoy driving. I have a hard time letting other people drive my car...

9. Counseling - I have discovered my passion! I am taking counseling courses right now and I just love it. It's is challenging and terrifying and stimulating and I love it.

10. Kissing - do I really need to explain that? It's fun. Let's leave it there. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not a promiscuous kisser. Kissing is fun within a healthy relationship. Oh boy. This is just going downhill. Stop, Dana, just stop)

11. Being in love - I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I'm good at being in love.

12. One on one conversations with friends - this is where the good stuff of friendships is formed. It's a fantastic way to get to know someone and to truly hear who they are, if you just listen.

13. Joelle - my bestest best friend of my entire life. She's married now and lives a ways away and that isn't so cool. But I still love her and she makes my heart smile every day.

14. God - this list is obviously not in order of how important these things are to me. Like my profile says, God sustains me, His grace overwhelms me and His love melts me. He is my Life.

15. Books - there is nothing like curling up with a good book, especially on a rainy or snowy day.

16. My bed - I just really love my bed. It's so warm and comfy. I wish I could spend a lot more time in it.

17. Babies - I LOVE babies. The infant stage is my absolute favorite. I wish they could just stay cute, cuddly babies forever. But no...they have to grow up and learn how to ask "why?" and proceed to ask it over and over and over

18. My parents - they've become my friends and I like that.

19. Weddings - I like being in love so it makes sense that I would like weddings. I just love the prettiness of everything and the celebration of love. I think it's fantastic and special.

20. Water - I'm addicted to water. There's nothing better than a glass of cold water. Not even a cold beer...

21. Horses - I have loved them my entire life. One day I do truly want to own one. Or two or three.

22. Traveling - I'm not very good at the physical part of traveling. I'm pretty impatient and I just want to be there already. But I love visiting new places and seeing the history and beauty everywhere. I need to travel some more.

23. Photography - I'd like to take a class or two, just learn how to take better pictures. But I really love photography.

24. Wendy's Honey Mustard sauce - it just tastes really good. Actually food should really be on this list because I love it.

25. Candles - so relaxing. Especially when combined with a hot drink and a bubble bath.

Alright, that list is longer than I anticipated. I have to stop. I'm sure I could come up with plenty more but I have to stop. But I'm in a really good mood now!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend...

So today I was at work and this is the conversation I had with a little old man:

Little old man: "Has no one bought you a 2-carat diamond ring yet?"

Me: "Nope, not yet. Maybe someday."

Little old man: "Well, why not?!?!"

Me: "I don't know! You'll have to ask them!"

Little old man: "Well!"

Me: "Are you going to buy me a 2-carat diamond ring?"

Little old man: "Well, I don't have one with me. And I only come in twice a year, so maybe next time!"

Me: "Well, alright, I'll look forward to it." I didn't have the heart to tell him that I handed in my resignation today and as of May 2 I will no longer be there.

Anyways, I had a good chuckle over that. And really, what a compliment! This little old man couldn't figure out why someone hadn't scooped me up and married me yet! Well, I can't figure it out either! I'm pretty fantastic! ;)

Haha, anyways, if anyone wants to buy me a 2-carat diamond ring they are more than welcome to. I'd settle for 1-carat, I guess. But no less...

A must-read

I would like to highly recommend the book The Shack by William Young to everyone. This book will entirely change how you view God and His relationship to us. Check it out at www.theshackbook.com. Let me know what you think.

I live in a friggin' deep freeze

I think that by this point, even Hell has frozen over. Why again do I live here?

I can't feel my toes.

A Shameless Plug for Counseling

Hi, my name is Dana and I am in counseling.

Phew, I'm glad that's off my chest. How many of us are ashamed to admit that we can't necessarily deal with everything on our own, raise you hands. Why is it it that to admit that you are seeing a counselor is so scary? Do we think people will judge us? Will people automatically assume that I am suicidal or mentally ill? If they, they are stupid-heads. That's right, I called them stupid-heads.

I started therapy in october. The original plan was to talk to a counselor so I could try to figure out if I should break up with Justin or not. Then we suddenly broke up a little earlier than I expected and I already had an appointment for a few days later and it worked out very well, all things considered. To have that kind of support for those dark weeks was crucial.

When we stopped for the Christmas break I was doing really well and didn't really feel the need to continue after school started again. But the past month has been extremely rough (Justin is now dating someone new...how fantastic is that??) and I figured it couldn't hurt to go back. It took awhile to get back in because of weather issues and vacation disruptions but today I saw my counselor again and I came out with just this huge sense of relief. Do you realize how relieving it is to have someone accept what you say with zero criticism? To have someone say, "You know what Dana, you have a right to be angry. You have been used by someone whom you thought loved you. It's ok to be hurt and it's ok to be angry right now." Do you know how healing that is? Especially when other people what to push their agenda for healing on you.

Everyone deserves to be listened to without judgment. Perhaps this is why I am so excited to become a counselor. People are almost never just listened to. We are naturally terrible listeners. You might think you are a great listener but really you're not. I've always been told I'm a good listener. Really, I suck. Think about it. How many times has a friend said to you, "This is what I am going through and it sucks" and you said "Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me, blah, blah, blah..." You've just turned the conversation around to focus on you. It's no longer about your hurting friend. It's ok, we all do it, I do it, don't feel too bad. But it's not really listening.

In counseling you get listened to. You have a specific amount of time that is just about you and what you are dealing with. How fantastic is that?

I'd like to give some advice to people who encounter those who are hurting. It could be something that you think is minor, like a breakup (and sometimes breakups are minor, but sometimes they are not. Learn to know the difference) or trouble at work or it could be something devastating, like the loss of a spouse or a child. Whether it is minor or major to you DOES NOT MATTER. You are not the one feeling the acute pain of the situation. The best thing you can do for your friend or family member is accept what they are feeling as valid. It might not be the way you would deal with it, you might not think that everything they are feeling/thinking is rational, it doesn't matter because in reality, it is what they are feeling and NOTHING you say will change that. See what often people don't realize is that a shattered person is doing the best he or she can. Given their genetic makeup, their life experiences, the coping strategies learned, he or she is doing the best they can. I am doing the best that I can.

So just listen. Accept what they say and feel. You don't have to agree or approve, just accept it. If you find that you are unable to do that for someone, don't try to be the one they lean on in times of suffering. That job will have to belong to someone else.

If you're hurting and you aren't finding anyone who will just listen, find a counselor. They'll listen. And they'll care.

Lent!

I thought I would write about Lent today. The Lenten season started yesterday and I think that there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I had a friend ask me if I was Catholic because I was observing Lent. I chuckled initially, but then I realized that Lent is not something everyone knows about. And to be honest, I don't think I really heard about it until Bible school when a lot of my friends gave up chocoloate for a long long time. I don't remember hearing about Lent in my church in Coaldale growing up. That doesn't mean that they never said anything about it, I just don't remember. And even in Bible school I don't know if I truly understood it. To be perfectly honest, this is the first year I've made myself care about it.

Lent is a forty-day preparation before Easter. It is in observation of the the forty days Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by Satan. It's usually a time when Christians spend time abstaining (traditionally from food) and in prayer, offering themselves in repentance and atonement.

A lot of people give up a certain food group. I've chosen to give up Facebook. To me, the idea of Lent is giving up something in my life that is impacting my relationship with God. And lately, that's been Facebook. I've checked it obsessively, over and over again, why? I'm not really sure. It's really not that interesting. I waste a lot of time on there. Time where I should be doing homework or time when I should be talking to God. I've felt him prompting me to spend time with him and I would put it off and waste a lot of time on that stupid website. So I decided to give it up for forty days, hopefully it will break this obsession I have and the idea is that I will replace that time with time spent with God. That's really the idea behind any kind of fasting.

My heart is heavy these days and I am getting tired of it. I can't seem to let go of the anger and hurt. I've had multiple friends tell me it took them over a year to stop hurting from a breakup. That does little to make me smile. That means I have another 8 months of this. I pray that I don't.

I still know that God is in control, but right now the anger is burning so high in me that I can barely hear his voice. He has promised me joy and peace. But I want it now. If I knew how bad breaking up would be, I'm not sure I would have ever dated him.

I was blog-stalking the other day and stumbled across this. I don't know whose blog this is, but I liked this poem or whatever you want to call it. The author is unknown, but they have my thanks anyway.

In “pastures green?” Not always; sometimes He
Who knoweth best, in kindness leadeth me
In weary ways, where heavy shadows be.

And by “still waters”? No, not always so;
Oft times the heavy tempests round me blow,
And o’er my soul the waves and billows go.

But when the storm beats loudest, and I cry
Aloud for help, the Master standeth by,
And whispers to my soul, “Lo, it is I.”

So, where He leads me, I can safely go,
And in the blest hereafter I shall know,
Why, in His wisdom, He hath led me so.

The Art of Napping

I am a napper. I love to nap. I have for years. It gets around to 1:00 in the afternoon and my eyelids start drooping. No matter where I am. In class, at work, sitting on my couch watching tv, I start to fade. All I want is to lie down and drift away.

Napping becomes a habit. That's how I survived college. We never went to bed before 1 am, so I napped all the time. It was the worst when the next semester I would suddenly have a class during my regular nap time and I started to doze in class...

The life of a student allows for napping. I am always home during the day to nap at some point and it is wonderful. I don't take this privilege for granted either. I cherish it. I have worked full-time for a few years. I know that I can't nap. So I am thouroughly enjoying my last year of being able to nap.

I am also a long napper. I am not one of those subscribers to "cat-naps". It used to be that if I didn't have at least two hours, I didn't even bother laying down. I've gotten a bit better now. I usually don't nap for more than an hour now.

Today I had a wonderful nap on my living room floor (my new favorite place to nap). It wasn't one of those naps where I was dead to the world, rather I was in and out of consciousness, thinking about things, not worrying, just contemplating. My body was perfectly relaxed, comfortable and warm. I lay there for just over an hour. I would have stayed there all day if I could have. Naps like that make life good. Naps like that make my heart happy.

I heart naps.

Ramblings from a Healing Heart

I am supposed to be writing a paper on prayer right now. Obviously it is going well...

I'm having a hard time with blogging these days. There are a lot of things going on in my mind that I want to write about, that I want to confess, that I want to discuss, but the blogger world is so unknown and a bit scary. You never know who is reading these things. I feel a need to censor what I say and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I've been going through so much emotional stuff lately with the breakup but feel like it's hard to really talk about on here because I really want to respect Justin and our privacy. I don't ever want it to seem like I am bashing him or what we had together.

All that to say, I need to write some stuff out and I will do my best to continue respecting everyone involved.

I've had a very hard time letting go of our relationship. My head and my heart don't do a very good job of communicating with each other (I don't know if this is normal or if most people can get their hearts and their heads on the same page??). I know in my head the reasons that we broke up and I know in my head that they are good reasons. I know in my head that God is calling our lives in very different directions and I know in my head that God has big plans for me.

My heart doesn't get any of that.

My heart just kept saying, "but what if love really is enough?", "but what if we really could make it work?", "but what if God is now telling us to get back together?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?????" "But what ifs..." suck. "But what ifs..." don't represent reality. The reality is, we broke up because that's what God wanted us to do and God has something different for both of us.

I found a verse in Deuteronomy that talks about obeying God's voice and His promise of faithfulness as we walk through all that entails. The exact verse is Deut. 4:31 if you want to look it up, but I paraphrased it (a very cool prayer approach that you should really try) into what God has been saying to me through it.

Dana, if you look for God, if you search for Him with all your heart and soul, with a genuine desire for His presence, you will find Him. When your heart is broken, when life seems to be crumbling and you are so shattered that you can't even find the pieces anymore, return to the Lord. Crawl to the Father and listen for His voice. And when you hear that voice Dana and you obey it, you have done well in your Father's eyes. Your God is one of mercy and love! He has promised you and all people before you to be the strength in your weakness. You have obeyed His voice and he will not abandon you or let you be destroyed in the aftermath. He is merciful!"

God has certainly been the strength in my weakness in the past three months. I don't know how I would have had the strength to continue facing the storm if I didn't believe that He was in control and that He has good things in store for me.

Awhile ago I was wallowing in my pain and my anger towards God and somehow through the wall I had worked so hard to build that morning, God said to me "Do you believe that I can heal this hurt?" Tears rushed to my eyes as I said, "I really need you to Lord. I can't do this much longer." And He replied, "I feel this hurt too, you know. Everything that wounds you, wounds me too, that's how close I am holding you to me. I created you and I love you and I want you to be whole. Do you trust me to heal this hurt?" And because I am so weary of the fight, and so tired of standing in the pain and so shattered some days that I can't find the pieces, all I could say back to Him was, "Yes. I believe."

"Yes. I believe." Some days those words come so much easier than others. Today they come easier than they did even two days ago. Justin and I are broken up. We are not getting back together. We are not able to remain friends (that's another thing! How in the world do people stay friends with their ex? I don't actually think it's possible.) It's time to really let go of whatever hope my heart has been trying to hold onto. It's not easy but it is getting easier.

Near the beginning of this whole journey, God continually brought the song "Be Still and Know" into my head. It became my prayer as I journeyed through some of the darkest days I have experienced yet. For the first long time all I could do was imagine myself laying in the embrace of Jesus as he sang my pain away, "Be still and know that I am God". Again and again I crawled back to His arms to have Him sing me to sleep with that. As I gained more clarity about what had happened and recognized that this pain was not going away as quickly as I would have liked, He promised to me over and over again, "I am the Lord that healeth thee". This is an ongoing promise. I still need to be reminded of it quite often. And just now I am starting to be able to sing back to Him "In Thee Oh Lord I put my trust". My trust falters often. And that's when I crawl back into Jesus' arms and He sings again "Be still and know that I am God".

Life is such a roller coaster

This man is amazing. I have no words to even describe how phenomenol the concert was, so I will just let you look at him and dream about how incredible he is.

I listened to his CD today in the car. And I smiled because my heart is happy.

In response to my last post, I am feeling much better. Lots has happened since then and the relationship is very much over and I suppose that that's the healthiest thing for now. It makes me sad that it ended the way it did, but I can finally let go and move on. It's about time. I've learned a lot about who I am, I don't like all of it, but as Janessa says, it's an opportunity to pick myself up and try again. I've failed once, that doesn't mean I will fail at life.

I Hurt

I hurt and when I hurt, I hurt people. This past weekend was very painful and difficult for me and without going into detail, I will just say that I came home very hurt and extremely angry. Here's the problem: When I am angry, I do not wait a day or two to calm down before I confront the source of my anger. I go in like a raging bull. Now in this circumstance I believe I had a right to be hurt and angry but I did not handle it well. I said things intentionally to hurt the other person and this is killing me. I have expressed my sorrow over what I did, but I know that there is still a lot of hurt and anger over what I said. This is killing me. It's not the first time I've done this, but I sure hope it's the last. Chalk this up to another goal for this year: Learn how to control my anger. At this point I will make a horrible wife, friend, counselor, pastor, and person.

Anyone have any advice? Any words of comfort? Condemnation? It's not possible to feel worse about myself than I currently do, so don't hold back, people.

Maybe don't bring it on 2008

I think there is a possibility that I am taking on too much this year. I have so far been to three of my four classes for this semester and I am feeling more than overwhlemed about the course load. Every week I have 2-4 assignments due and it is slightly retarded. I am also preaching on Feb 3 and have a sermon to prepare (here's hoping that I can use that sermon for a practice sermon for my preaching class). I also have a summer internship to prepare for. I have also joined a discipleship group at church in which we are striving to live missionally in this world and committment is crucial. I am on the small groups committee at church and really want to devote some serious time to developing a good resource library for the program. I have a lot of friends and I want to spend time developing good relationships. I was planning on picking up Friday shifts at the credit union to make some extra money and plus last semester I had too much extra time to be depressed after Justin and I broke up. I don't think that will be a problem this semester, therefore I think we will 86 the extra shifts.

Oh did I tell you that I joined the gym and am planning to run a 5k race on May 3?

I think I might be just a little bit crazy actually.

Bring It On 2008

Things that will happen in 2008 that terrify me:

1- I will receive my BA in Biblical and Theological Studies
2- I will preach at my church on Feb 3
3- I will do a pastoral internship at my church in the summer
4- I have no idea what I will be doing come fall
5- God will use me
6- I will grow
7- The possibility of everything unexpected happening is highly likely

Things that will happen in 2008 that excite me:

1- I will receive my BA in Biblical and Theological Studies
2- I will preach at my church on Feb 3 (it's a bit tough to include this on this list)
3- I will do a pastoral internship at my church in the summer
4- I have no idea what I will be doing come fall
5- God will use me
6- I will frow
7- The possibility of everything unexpected happening is highly likely

Magical Grasshoppers

True Story. This summer we had a grasshopper infestation. They were mostly confined to the basement, however we found two upstairs in our living room. Upstairs. I know that grasshoppers jump obviously, and that they would be able to find their way upstairs, but how without us noticing??

H'anyways. For awhile we thought that the Meadowood boys had maybe gotten us back from when we turned their kitchen into a beach in summer by invading our house with grasshoppers. Alas, it was not them. We do not know how the grasshoppers got into our house. We do not know. It's disturbing.

We thought the grasshopper infestation was over, seeing as it is winter. Last night I went into my bedroom (which is upstairs by the way) and there was a grasshopper sitting on my floor. How did it get there and why is it there in winter?

I grabbed a shoe and hit the grasshopper very hard. Then it dissapeared. DISSAPEARED! I don't know where it went. It was not on the bottom of my shoe. It was not on the carpet. It was nowhere in the surrounding area. There is no way it survived the whack I gave it. So where did it go? I don't know and it is disturbing me.

The grasshoppers have magical powers.

A Time for Confession

I'm a snob. No, seriously! I can really be a bitch. I'm not saying this facitiously or to draw attention to myself. I say this with no humor and with zero pride. This is an honest confession from a repentant heart.

I find myself looking down on others sometimes. I've thought a lot about my tendency to do this and I think I can trace it back to elementary school when I was the subject of extensive bullying. I've concluded that now that I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable with myself and I have plenty of wonderful, loving friends, I want to be the one who is exclusive, I want to control who is in my close circle of friends, I want my chance to be in the spotlight. That's a hard confession to make.

It's strange though isn't it? Most people who have been bullied are even more socially aware of those who are on the fringe of the group. Why have I gone the other way? I would never call myself a bully, but I am definitely a snob. On the other hand, I have huge compassion for people, but it seems that only for those people who I see as "worthy." I am heading into ministry. I must change this aspect of myself.

Lately God has speaking to this area of my life consistently. After Justin and I broke up, I stopped going to College and Career at our church. There were plenty of reasons for this, one being that it is just too hard to be in the same place as him at this point. However, there are a couple other reasons that are not nearly as legitimate. For one, I thought that I was too good for C&C. The group is very young this year and I have little patience for immaturity. So I deemed myself far more mature than them and decided I was too old for College and Career. And also, there are some people there who I have a very hard time loving. There is a particular group of girls that Justin has become friends with since we broke up. Initially it was the jealousy that got the best of me, but I got over that. Now it's just the way they look at me. They glare. I feel so much judgment and scorn coming from their direction. I am the hated ex girlfriend. Whether I have imagined it or not, it's there.

Yesterday I was singing on the worship team at church and I was standing onstage when they walked into the sanctuary. I started to shake and couldn't shake the feeling they were judging me. When the team sat down for the sermon I found myself praying that God would calm my heart and instead, he started to convict me. I had just finished saying to myself, "Dana, it doesn't matter what they think, you are not up there for them. You are there for God's glory and his glory alone. You cannot change their attitude toward you." And then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, 'You can't change their attitude toward you, but you can change your attitude toward them."

Wow. Talk about a kick in the pants. I've been so busy playing the victim here that I hadn't really realized that I could do something. That I HAD to do something. My attitude has been anything but Christian. I desire to live like a woman of God bur there are some ugly things inside of me.

So this is my confession to you. This is my next project. It's baby steps that sometimes go backwards, but I want to take responsibility for my life and the patterns I have chosen to create. I don't want to be a snob. I want to radiate God's love.

As a worship team we sang a new song (well, new to me anyways) for communion. I quickly grew to love it and it is my new prayer as I work through these things.

A Pure Heart - Rusty Nelson

A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides your Word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one you rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases you, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to your throne

Breakup Blues

I hate the breakup blues. Perhaps the most frustrating part is that I don't even entirely know what emotion is behind them at this point. Is it just plain old anger? Left over hurt? Loneliness?

Breakup blues always hit at the most inopportune time. Like tonight when I need to teach myself half a semester worth of biology.

Dang you, breakup blues. Dang you to heck.

23, The Golden Year?

Hello friends, I'm back. After a lengthy hiatus from blogging, I am thinking I may make return every now and again. I've even updated my blog and made it all pretty and things. Don't you like it? I know you do.

Life has been interesting of late. How do I even begin? I've been rereading old blogs that I've written and have been marvelling at how much I have changed. A little more than a year ago I had a bit of a mini life-crisis before I turned 22. Perhaps you remember this post? I realized that I was very dissatisfied with how I was living my life and when I turned 22 I reevaluated what was important to me and who I wanted to be. My motto for the year was "a whole new me by 23."

I see now that that was perhaps a large goal, but the year proved to be very interesting and life-changing. Much of my time was occupied by a certain boy and that was fun. Perhaps a little all-consuming, but fun none-the-less. I loved dating and I loved being in love. I am made for relationship and that is now clear.

However, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of direction in my life. I had struggled for the past three years to determine a professional goal and my job in the financial industry just was not challenging me. Slowly, (although it seemed very sudden!) God began nudging me in the direction of vocational ministry. I've always said I never wanted to be a pastor. Never say never.

God has awakened in me this huge passion for people and ministry and developing leaders. I returned to school this year to finish my BA in Theology, this time with a clearer purpose. I have become involved in my church, in worship and small group development, and while I am terrified of actually getting paid to do this, I am learning to trust God to guide me.

I feel as though I have come into my own. When I turned 23 a month ago, my friends told me, "23 is the best year yet." At the time I had a hard time believing them. 23 started out pretty rough. Working through a break-up with someone I loved passionately was the hardest thing I've done yet, despite my clear understanding that it was the right thing. It is a horrific thing, to have to adjust to life without someone you loved and I cannot fathom the pain of a divorce or widowhood. I have had only the smallest glimpse of that pain and I could barely stand up under it at times.

However, like they all told me, time does heal. Oh, I'm not healed yet, but God has started to reawaken me with His joy. I have a new appreciation for myself, something I've never felt until now. I am proud of myself for listening to God's call in my life and making a very hard choice, for having the courage to stand in the middle of the pain and for refusing to back down in the eye of the storm. I have a direction for my life, one that is taking me on a journey of living God's will, a life of obedience. I have amazing friends and feel love pouring over me from many directions. I am blessed. And God is faithful.

I've Found Me

Strength, Courage and Wisdom
by India.Arie

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found


Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found


Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me


I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.


Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:


Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me


I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

Sometimes things happen that no one can explain.

There is so much tragedy in this story that I don't even know where to begin.
My parents have very good friends, Ron and Diane Toews whom they have known since Bible School days. Our families got together occasionally growing up and I remember their kids as being talented, good looking and kind hearted. Yesterday my dad called me with the news that their son Nathan had been killed on Friday. He was 23. He, his wife, his brother and his 8 month pregnant sister-in-law were travelling to Calgary so Nate could lead worship in a friend's wedding on Saturday. As Nate was driving, an oncoming semi lost control and the trailer hit the Toews' car. Nate died instantly, his sister-in-law who was in the passenger seat is in critical condition (they delivered the baby and the baby boy is fine...named after his uncle who never got to meet him) and the two in the back seat were fine. Well, physically fine.
Nate and Rosanna were newly-weds, married less than 2 years I think. Now she's a widow.
Nate had just started a new job as the worship pastor at the church where my brother serves as the youth pastor. They're good buddies and my brother was so excited to be able to work with Nate. A church is without a pastor now.
Ron and Diane were on their way back from Africa when the accident happened. There was no way to reach them. They arrived at the airport last night to the news that their son was dead, their daughter-in-law might not make it and their world was entirely different.
I don't know what breaks my heart the most.
Situations like these make me wonder where the good is. How is God working in this? I know he is, but it sure is hard to see through all the tragedy. I spent a lot of time last night asking God why this had happened. A young woman's dreams for a life with a husband, raising a family, are shattered. Brothers who have lost a best friend. A newborn baby who will never know his namesake. A younger sister who has lost a role model. Parents whose hearts are broken. How do you explain this?
If you're the praying type, now would be a good time.