Self Soothing

Parents have to teach their babies to self-soothe at some point. The ones who don't learn to self-soothe usually cause their parents all kinds of grief, ie. waking them up multiple times in the night for comfort. They also generally grow up to become less well-adjusted adults. Self-soothing is an important life skill.

I think God has given us copious self-soothing tools in Scripture. I have forgotten this lately and have simply allowed myself to feel increasingly oppressed by the amount of anger and hurt there remains to be healed.

" But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of the anguish in my soul.

Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live.

Surely it was for my benfit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.

For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down in the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living - they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers and mothers tell their children about your faithfulness."

~ Isaiah 38:15-19

Sometimes I forget that I have the ability to self-soothe.

Punk'd

Props to the Meadowood boys. Triple props in fact.


Six months ago we Mapleridge girls decided it was time to bring back the old-school business of pranking. None of us had pranked since Bible school days and we were feeling the urge. The Meadowood house is a group of four of our closest male friends. They made for easy targets.


We knew they would be out of town one weekend. We convinced dear sweet Ben that we wanted to pull a prank on Garry only (this was not a lie at the time). So dear sweet Ben left us his house key. When we got inside we realized our original prank was not going to work so we had to come with plan B. So we turned their kitchen into a beach. Complete with an inflatable palm tree. And gold fish in a blow up pool. And in their kitchen sink. And we took a picture of us three on the beach and saved it as the desktop picture on every computer we could find. Oh and we had the Beach Boys CD blaring for when they got home. It was classic. This is what it looked like.







We have waited nervously for six months. I had visions of dead goldfish turning up in random places.


Tonight at 10:03 our doorbell rang. Alicia opened the door, quickly slammed it shut and said, "There are chickens at our door."



What?! Uh huh. Three chickens between our screen door and inside door. Alive. Wearing diapers. Pecking at the door. Pooping. Chickens.







Thankfully the culprits were still hanging around, watching and laughing at us as all three of us jumped off our balcony to get outside, because there was no way we were opening the door from the inside. They took the chickens away for us (I don't even want to think about what's going to happen to the poor things). But they left the poopy diapers. And a basket full of decorated eggs. And a CD of the Chicken Dance song.



Apparently Barbara foiled their original plan. We were all supposed to be gone this afternoon and the boys were going to break into our house, put poly down in our kitchen and leave the chickens in there. Which would have been extra hilarious. Alas, Barbara was home and thus saved us a different sort of mess.



Hilarious, cute prank. The kind we like. Good for more than a few laughs.

Disjointed conversations

This is a conversation I had tonight with Janessa. This is a mere sample of what happened over the course of the evening. If I had a gong, I would ring it.

Janessa: (trying to get comfortable on the couch, eventually wedging her foot between cushions which are now haphazardly strewn on the couch) "Ah, finally."

Me: (with one eye on the Calgary Flames game in the background) "Yeah, this....couch....sometimes is a...little.... "(trailing off)

Janessa: (long pause) Uh....

Me: "Yeah, that was the end of the sentance."

Janessa: (without missing a beat) "I kind of wish I was dating Joelle!"

Consider the gong rung.

Grief's a bitch

There's this thing with grief. It doesn't really go away completely. Oh, it lessens, sure, how much really depends on the kind of grief and what you're grieving, but it does lessen to some extent. And as time passes the episodes of intense grief space out. They still come and are usually just as intense as if the grief was fresh, but the time between them lengthens.

Today grief came right up and bit me in the ass.

Banned from soft surfaces

So I'm not allowed to sit on soft chairs or couches for a little while. That's a sucky deal. You see I've been at the gym pretty hard core for a couple of weeks now, as in five or six times a week, trying to train for this 5k run in May. My times have been getting better and life is wonderful.

Until this week.

First on Monday my ankle was SUPER sore when I stopped running. Like, so sore that I almost couldn't put weight on it. But you know me, I run through it. The next day, it was ok, but when I was running, again it hurt really badly. Again, just ran through it. By Wednesday I could barely walk. You see, when something is injured, you have to adjust so that you can still run, if you are determined to run. So the sore ankle in turn produced very sore calves, hips and suddenly a very sore knee. The strangest thing about this all was that it was all on the right side of my body. The healthy side. Any major injuries I've had have been to the left side of me, ankle, knee, collarbone, fingers, etc. The right side, while being far from perfect, remained relatively healthy (except for my knee).

So suddenly the right side decided it needs some attention. So whatever, muscle pain in my legs I can handle. It goes away. I can run through that.

Except my knee kept getting worse to the point where I can't really bend it back properly. And then my back had to make it's presence known. (As I write this, I feel like I am 80 years old with all of my ailments). So my back. It's always been weak, because I have an abnormal joint in my pelvis and I also damaged a disk on my L4 vertebrae. Sometimes when I walk (usually when something is wrong, as I am learning) my lower back clicks. Actually, it's kind of like bones grinding together, producing a clicking feeling. Not pleasant. So today the pain kicked in and I finally dragged myself to the chiropractor. The verdict: pelvis joints not wroking properly. They're stuck somehow. The treatment: No running and no sitting on soft chairs or couches.

Boo-urns.

Almost. Over.

I'm. Almost. Done. Ugggggghhhhhhh.

That about sums it up, folks. By next Monday I will be finished my major projects for the semester. Praise. The. Lord. However, before then I actually have to do the work. Dang. I have to write two short sermons (which I hope to do today) and a major research paper on psychology and evil (which I haven't exactly started so much). These things are all due on Monday. The sermons will be done by then for sure, because really, I don't actually have a choice, I must preach them that day. But we will see about the research paper. I'm hoping to get it done. But I make no promises.

Procrastination is a killer. It used to be, in my previous undergraduate years, that I would kind of put things off, but they would always get done on time. Even if I had been really bad with procrastinating, I was never super stressed out because I knew things would all get finished. Then I went to CMU, had a killer year in which nearly everything in my second semester was handed in late and suddenly I realized that I am capable of procrastinating on things to the point where they cannot possibly get finished on time. This year I have been very diligent in getting my work done, sometimes even early! Then I went away for reading week and everything went to pot. I can't find an ounce of motivation in my body. As I write this, I am keenly aware that I am rambling just to put off writing my sermons. I went to bed at 10:00 last night just so I didn't have to try to make myself do homework. I finally got up at 8 this morning when the guilty feelings wouldn't let me sleep anymore.

I loathe writing papers. If all I ever had to do was read, I would be a terrific student. Someday I hope to get a doctorate. The writing involved there is going to kill me I think. That is, if I survive the rest of this week...

Just Say No

No. I'm not writing a paper right now. I don't wanna. So I'm just not doing it, ok? Oh, I feel so guilty. I really need to write a paper. But I sooooo don't wanna.

Anyone want to come distract me???

A Rant

So I've been mentally making a list of everything that confuses/annoys me about people at the gym. The time has come to blog that list. Now, I try not to judge people. When I see people at the gym, I tend to think, "well great, at least they're at the gym! Good for them!" but there are some things that are just so retarded that I must vent about them. Here goes.

Things that confuse/annoy me about people at the gym:

- girls who workout while wearing a thong. I can't think of anything more uncomfortable. **This is something that I would have to notice in the locker room I guess, but it still applies. And no I am not purposely looking at other girls, you sickos, you just see things sometimes.
- girls who swim for exercise in a bikini. I'm sorry, but there's just not a lot of support in a bikini. Put on a one-piece to swim laps, would you?
-people who don't observe time limits on the cardio machines. Do you realize that if you don't end on time you start a domino effect of disaster? Because then I can't start on time which means either I don't end on time and thus screw over the next person or I don't get to finish my workout. And then I am really pissed.
- running as fast as you possibly can on the treadmill (or hiking at the steepes incline) while holding onto the handlebars. This does not actually do you any good. If you cannot exercise your whole body weight at that intensity, then decrease the intensity.
- people who come to the gym in every day clothes. Like jeans. And studded belts. Gosh.
- people who come to the gym in flip-flops. What the hell do you think you are going to be able to do in flip-flops? GOSH.
- old men who wear shorts that are so short that they leave little to the imagination.
- people who sit idly on exercise equipment and proceed to text people on their cell phones. What did you come to the gym for, people??
- people who run with their arms down at their sides as though they are carrying suitcases. I'm no running expert, but even I would say that's bad form!
- people who choose the "forrest walk" program on the treadmill. Get off my f-ing treadmill. Go home. You'll burn more calories cleaning your house. Forrest walk, my ass...

How to Date Your Best Friend

What follows in this blog may sounds strange to those of you who have never had a similar experience. It will also sound strange to the male gender because it turns out they experience friendships very differently from us women. Anyways, this is the story of my best friend Joelle and I.

This friendship was orchestrated in heaven. That is the only way to describe it, honestly. These kinds of relationships cannot be forced, they are truly a gift from God. Joelle and I were acquaintances through friends from church. We knew each other but not well. In January 2006 we both went on a college and career retreat with church. I couldn't tell you how or when it happened, but that weekend we became inseparable. What followed looked very much like a dating relationship.

We are not homosexual, I feel like I should clarify that. Nor are we bisexual. Just to be clear. This was like a dating relationship, but it wasn't. Again, just to be clear.

Joelle and I had our first date at the cheap seats. We went to see Failure to Launch. It was pretty funny. As we were leaving we noticed that The Family Stone was playing in just over an hour. We went across the street for coffee at Starbucks and came back to watch the second movie. It was wonderful. We never ran out of things to talk about and we laughed until our sides hurt.

After that we went everywhere together. You know how when you are dating someone you never have to worry about having to go somewhere alone? That's what this was like. Everyone knew that where one of us would be, the other would be as well. We never went anywhere separately.

You know how when you start dating someone you see them to the exclusion of everyone else? That was us. We were enamoured with each other. We didn't need to hang out with anyone else. We were all we needed. I was at her house or she was at mine basically every day. One night it snowed a couple of millimeters. I declared myself snowed in and we spent the night and the next day giggling and being stupid. She dated a guy for a few months and I didn't care, I hung out with them anyways. Awkward you think? Yes, but not for the reasons you might think. The guy once commented to Joelle that he felt like the third wheel with us. Hah.

We couldn't wait to bring the other one home to meet the family. I don't exactly remember when this happened but it was fun. We spent more time at Joelle's parent's house because she tended to go home more often and I became just another daughter. I love her family.

We used to laugh and joke that if neither of us ever got married we would get "knocked up" and raise our kids together. (It was a joke, don't worry, Mom.)

Joelle got married six months ago. She found the most wonderful man for her and I am so happy for her. But I do miss her. They live out of town now and I don't get to see her nearly as much. I cried for a week after her wedding. Not because I was sad she was married, I just felt like I had lost my best friend much too soon.

She came over last night and we spent the evening like in the old days. We cuddled up on the couch and reminisced about our "dating days" as we like to call them. I was just reminded about how fortunate I am to have been blessed with a best friend like her. Someone who is as in love with me as I am with her. We have never fought, we have never grown tired of each other's company, and the infatuation has never faded. She is my best friend.

Thanks, God, for my best friend.






This is us on her wedding day. The way we are laughing at each other sums up our entire relationship.

Bring on the Wine

Allow me to tell you about my day.

It started off rough. I woke up relatively early (before 8) because the sun was shining rather brightly into my room, thus waking me up from a delightful sleep. Alas, that sunshine is deceiving. It was actually -30 today. Where did the warmer weather go I would like to ask?
H'anyways, I woke up not feeling well at all. I have been down all weekend with a cold. Saturday turned into a retreat of silence for me as my darling voice decided to up and leave for awhile. Sunday I felt marginally better but this morning it seemed as though I had been hit by a truck. I was stuffed up, croaky and feeling quite miserable. But do you think I could fall back asleep? Of course not.

Eventually I got up and took a shower which made me feel marginally better. I made myself a Chocolatey Royale SlimFast shake for breakfast and took it into my room. I wanted to sit down on my bed and drink my breakfast whilst reviewing my notes for the sermon I needed to preach later in class. I set my shake on the nightstand. I went to move something else on the nightstand. That something else fell from my hand, hit my Chocolatey Royale SlimFast shake, causing it to twirl gracefully whilst spewing half its contents onto my alarm clock, nightstand, wall, pillows and carpet. Shit. Pardon the french.

I cleaned it up but I sure wished I could have gone back to bed and started the day over again.

I tried to nap. Twice. And failed. Twice.

I preached my sermon. Which actually went very well. I think. My prof offered me (and a few others) the opportunity to write two homilies and record them for a well know Christian radio talk show. I felt very honored. I don't know if I will do it, but I feel honored nonetheless.

I had a chance to hang out with my friend Jennalene. She fed me an amazing supper. It was lovely. In the course of our visit I decided I didn't feel like going to my evening class. I felt guilty of course. Actually as I left her house and walked toward the building, I decided that I should really go to class. But I decided that I would first go to Starbucks and reward myself for actually going to my class. I got into my car. And I ended up at home. With a DQ Blizzard in my hand. Not quite sure how that happened.

So I just came home and relaxed. Which is nice when you feel as crappy as I currently do. I had a candlelight bubble bath with a deliciouss glass of wine (which has served not only to make me drowsy but also to plug up "by dose.") Lovely. I'm calling it a day.

The Doc Said So

I have a sore throat. I happened to be at the doctor today for something completely unrelated and got her to check my throat, seeing as I was already there and everything. She said it's just a cold (which I figured).

She said to rest. So I am going to take a nap and put off writing my sermon even more.

She also said to drink lots of fluids. So I had a Caramel Frappuccino from Starbucks.

Thursday Thirteen

I'm going to take a stab at a Thursday Thirteen. I figure it's a good way for people to find out a little bit more about me. So here we go: Thirteen Random Facts About Dana

1. I have a freckle on my right eye. I know, freaky right?
2. I hate gum. Like I mean really hate it. It's disgusting and should be illegal.
3. Closely related, I hate mint. Anything mint makes my stomach churn.
4. Again closely related, toothpaste grosses me out. I use it, but I hate it.(Both because it is mint and it's paste. Paste is gross).
5. I make really good scrambled eggs. Like, really good.
6. I was 23 inches long at birth. I basically came out a toddler. Could explain why I am 6 feet tall today.
7. Even though I grew up on a farm I would fail at the game "Name that crop." And no I cannot throw hay bales. I am far too weak.
8. I am extremely double jointed. Especially in my fingers.
9. I sneeze all the time. How annoying.
10. I am the youngest of three but I'm the tallest one of us all.
11. I'm still pretty afraid of the dark. Don't ever take me to a wooded park at night. It's not fun.
12. I can't cross my eyes. It really hurts.
13. My life goal was to be the first female player in the NBA. Then they started the WNBA. Stupid.

In Living Color

I am a little bit in love with this man. It's Jarome Iginla for those of you who don't follow hockey. I saw the Flames play in Minneapolis this past weekend and it was approximately the greatest afternoon of my life. We had crappy seats that were behind the highest point of the nose bleeds, but we decided to look for seats in the lower bowl and managed to watch the entire game from the 12th row. It was unbelievable. Those would have been very expensive tickets and we sat there for $40. Anyways, I feel as though my life dreams have been fulfilled now. I have been in the same building as Jarom Iginla. Nothing left to live for or accomplish. Just kidding, I'm not really that pathetic.

By the way, the Flames won. It was fantastic.

I'm off to Minneapolis to see the Flames play. So long, suckas!

My Love List

Janessa gave me this idea. She said whenever you had a bad day, just make a list of things you love and it will be impossible to be sad. And I liked that. Well my day today was just fine, but I like thinking about the things that I really love. I have no idea how long this list will be, but I'll keep going until I can't think of any more.

1. Caleb - this is my nephew who will turn 2 in June. He is the cutest toddler around. At Christmas I cuddled up to him on the couch and we watched Toy Story 2. Twice. It melted my heart.

2. Hannah - she's my neice and is 3 months old. She is just so pretty and soft and wonderful. She has this serious little frown like she's really pondering everything she's experienced in her short life. She's going to be a philosopher I think.

3. Music - I love singing but even more I love listening to great artists. I'm an ok singer, but I'd never make it as a musician so I just live vicariously through great singers! Lately the artists that have really been making my heart smile are Colbie Caillat and Sara Bareilles. They are fantastic. And honestly, John Mayer and Michael Buble always make my heart smile.

4. The Calgary Flames - I grew up in southern Alberta, so it's part of my DNA to love the Flames. Except I'm a little bit fanatical about them. I am in love with Jarome Iginla. His wife is a lucky woman.

5. Double Lolly suckers - just a good old fashioned candy

6. Hot drinks - I thought of listing them all seperately, but that would be extensive. Here's a few: hot apple cider, earl grey tea, london fogs, chai lattes...

7. Beer - honestly. Maybe it's gross or unclassy for a girl to like beer, but honestly, a cold beer on a hot day? So good. And I really don't drink it very often because I am far too poor/cheap but a nice MGD? Mmmm....

8. Driving - Is it weird that I listed it after beer? DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. EVER. But I really enjoy driving. I have a hard time letting other people drive my car...

9. Counseling - I have discovered my passion! I am taking counseling courses right now and I just love it. It's is challenging and terrifying and stimulating and I love it.

10. Kissing - do I really need to explain that? It's fun. Let's leave it there. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not a promiscuous kisser. Kissing is fun within a healthy relationship. Oh boy. This is just going downhill. Stop, Dana, just stop)

11. Being in love - I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I'm good at being in love.

12. One on one conversations with friends - this is where the good stuff of friendships is formed. It's a fantastic way to get to know someone and to truly hear who they are, if you just listen.

13. Joelle - my bestest best friend of my entire life. She's married now and lives a ways away and that isn't so cool. But I still love her and she makes my heart smile every day.

14. God - this list is obviously not in order of how important these things are to me. Like my profile says, God sustains me, His grace overwhelms me and His love melts me. He is my Life.

15. Books - there is nothing like curling up with a good book, especially on a rainy or snowy day.

16. My bed - I just really love my bed. It's so warm and comfy. I wish I could spend a lot more time in it.

17. Babies - I LOVE babies. The infant stage is my absolute favorite. I wish they could just stay cute, cuddly babies forever. But no...they have to grow up and learn how to ask "why?" and proceed to ask it over and over and over

18. My parents - they've become my friends and I like that.

19. Weddings - I like being in love so it makes sense that I would like weddings. I just love the prettiness of everything and the celebration of love. I think it's fantastic and special.

20. Water - I'm addicted to water. There's nothing better than a glass of cold water. Not even a cold beer...

21. Horses - I have loved them my entire life. One day I do truly want to own one. Or two or three.

22. Traveling - I'm not very good at the physical part of traveling. I'm pretty impatient and I just want to be there already. But I love visiting new places and seeing the history and beauty everywhere. I need to travel some more.

23. Photography - I'd like to take a class or two, just learn how to take better pictures. But I really love photography.

24. Wendy's Honey Mustard sauce - it just tastes really good. Actually food should really be on this list because I love it.

25. Candles - so relaxing. Especially when combined with a hot drink and a bubble bath.

Alright, that list is longer than I anticipated. I have to stop. I'm sure I could come up with plenty more but I have to stop. But I'm in a really good mood now!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend...

So today I was at work and this is the conversation I had with a little old man:

Little old man: "Has no one bought you a 2-carat diamond ring yet?"

Me: "Nope, not yet. Maybe someday."

Little old man: "Well, why not?!?!"

Me: "I don't know! You'll have to ask them!"

Little old man: "Well!"

Me: "Are you going to buy me a 2-carat diamond ring?"

Little old man: "Well, I don't have one with me. And I only come in twice a year, so maybe next time!"

Me: "Well, alright, I'll look forward to it." I didn't have the heart to tell him that I handed in my resignation today and as of May 2 I will no longer be there.

Anyways, I had a good chuckle over that. And really, what a compliment! This little old man couldn't figure out why someone hadn't scooped me up and married me yet! Well, I can't figure it out either! I'm pretty fantastic! ;)

Haha, anyways, if anyone wants to buy me a 2-carat diamond ring they are more than welcome to. I'd settle for 1-carat, I guess. But no less...

A must-read

I would like to highly recommend the book The Shack by William Young to everyone. This book will entirely change how you view God and His relationship to us. Check it out at www.theshackbook.com. Let me know what you think.

I live in a friggin' deep freeze

I think that by this point, even Hell has frozen over. Why again do I live here?

I can't feel my toes.

A Shameless Plug for Counseling

Hi, my name is Dana and I am in counseling.

Phew, I'm glad that's off my chest. How many of us are ashamed to admit that we can't necessarily deal with everything on our own, raise you hands. Why is it it that to admit that you are seeing a counselor is so scary? Do we think people will judge us? Will people automatically assume that I am suicidal or mentally ill? If they, they are stupid-heads. That's right, I called them stupid-heads.

I started therapy in october. The original plan was to talk to a counselor so I could try to figure out if I should break up with Justin or not. Then we suddenly broke up a little earlier than I expected and I already had an appointment for a few days later and it worked out very well, all things considered. To have that kind of support for those dark weeks was crucial.

When we stopped for the Christmas break I was doing really well and didn't really feel the need to continue after school started again. But the past month has been extremely rough (Justin is now dating someone new...how fantastic is that??) and I figured it couldn't hurt to go back. It took awhile to get back in because of weather issues and vacation disruptions but today I saw my counselor again and I came out with just this huge sense of relief. Do you realize how relieving it is to have someone accept what you say with zero criticism? To have someone say, "You know what Dana, you have a right to be angry. You have been used by someone whom you thought loved you. It's ok to be hurt and it's ok to be angry right now." Do you know how healing that is? Especially when other people what to push their agenda for healing on you.

Everyone deserves to be listened to without judgment. Perhaps this is why I am so excited to become a counselor. People are almost never just listened to. We are naturally terrible listeners. You might think you are a great listener but really you're not. I've always been told I'm a good listener. Really, I suck. Think about it. How many times has a friend said to you, "This is what I am going through and it sucks" and you said "Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me, blah, blah, blah..." You've just turned the conversation around to focus on you. It's no longer about your hurting friend. It's ok, we all do it, I do it, don't feel too bad. But it's not really listening.

In counseling you get listened to. You have a specific amount of time that is just about you and what you are dealing with. How fantastic is that?

I'd like to give some advice to people who encounter those who are hurting. It could be something that you think is minor, like a breakup (and sometimes breakups are minor, but sometimes they are not. Learn to know the difference) or trouble at work or it could be something devastating, like the loss of a spouse or a child. Whether it is minor or major to you DOES NOT MATTER. You are not the one feeling the acute pain of the situation. The best thing you can do for your friend or family member is accept what they are feeling as valid. It might not be the way you would deal with it, you might not think that everything they are feeling/thinking is rational, it doesn't matter because in reality, it is what they are feeling and NOTHING you say will change that. See what often people don't realize is that a shattered person is doing the best he or she can. Given their genetic makeup, their life experiences, the coping strategies learned, he or she is doing the best they can. I am doing the best that I can.

So just listen. Accept what they say and feel. You don't have to agree or approve, just accept it. If you find that you are unable to do that for someone, don't try to be the one they lean on in times of suffering. That job will have to belong to someone else.

If you're hurting and you aren't finding anyone who will just listen, find a counselor. They'll listen. And they'll care.

Lent!

I thought I would write about Lent today. The Lenten season started yesterday and I think that there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I had a friend ask me if I was Catholic because I was observing Lent. I chuckled initially, but then I realized that Lent is not something everyone knows about. And to be honest, I don't think I really heard about it until Bible school when a lot of my friends gave up chocoloate for a long long time. I don't remember hearing about Lent in my church in Coaldale growing up. That doesn't mean that they never said anything about it, I just don't remember. And even in Bible school I don't know if I truly understood it. To be perfectly honest, this is the first year I've made myself care about it.

Lent is a forty-day preparation before Easter. It is in observation of the the forty days Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by Satan. It's usually a time when Christians spend time abstaining (traditionally from food) and in prayer, offering themselves in repentance and atonement.

A lot of people give up a certain food group. I've chosen to give up Facebook. To me, the idea of Lent is giving up something in my life that is impacting my relationship with God. And lately, that's been Facebook. I've checked it obsessively, over and over again, why? I'm not really sure. It's really not that interesting. I waste a lot of time on there. Time where I should be doing homework or time when I should be talking to God. I've felt him prompting me to spend time with him and I would put it off and waste a lot of time on that stupid website. So I decided to give it up for forty days, hopefully it will break this obsession I have and the idea is that I will replace that time with time spent with God. That's really the idea behind any kind of fasting.

My heart is heavy these days and I am getting tired of it. I can't seem to let go of the anger and hurt. I've had multiple friends tell me it took them over a year to stop hurting from a breakup. That does little to make me smile. That means I have another 8 months of this. I pray that I don't.

I still know that God is in control, but right now the anger is burning so high in me that I can barely hear his voice. He has promised me joy and peace. But I want it now. If I knew how bad breaking up would be, I'm not sure I would have ever dated him.

I was blog-stalking the other day and stumbled across this. I don't know whose blog this is, but I liked this poem or whatever you want to call it. The author is unknown, but they have my thanks anyway.

In “pastures green?” Not always; sometimes He
Who knoweth best, in kindness leadeth me
In weary ways, where heavy shadows be.

And by “still waters”? No, not always so;
Oft times the heavy tempests round me blow,
And o’er my soul the waves and billows go.

But when the storm beats loudest, and I cry
Aloud for help, the Master standeth by,
And whispers to my soul, “Lo, it is I.”

So, where He leads me, I can safely go,
And in the blest hereafter I shall know,
Why, in His wisdom, He hath led me so.

The Art of Napping

I am a napper. I love to nap. I have for years. It gets around to 1:00 in the afternoon and my eyelids start drooping. No matter where I am. In class, at work, sitting on my couch watching tv, I start to fade. All I want is to lie down and drift away.

Napping becomes a habit. That's how I survived college. We never went to bed before 1 am, so I napped all the time. It was the worst when the next semester I would suddenly have a class during my regular nap time and I started to doze in class...

The life of a student allows for napping. I am always home during the day to nap at some point and it is wonderful. I don't take this privilege for granted either. I cherish it. I have worked full-time for a few years. I know that I can't nap. So I am thouroughly enjoying my last year of being able to nap.

I am also a long napper. I am not one of those subscribers to "cat-naps". It used to be that if I didn't have at least two hours, I didn't even bother laying down. I've gotten a bit better now. I usually don't nap for more than an hour now.

Today I had a wonderful nap on my living room floor (my new favorite place to nap). It wasn't one of those naps where I was dead to the world, rather I was in and out of consciousness, thinking about things, not worrying, just contemplating. My body was perfectly relaxed, comfortable and warm. I lay there for just over an hour. I would have stayed there all day if I could have. Naps like that make life good. Naps like that make my heart happy.

I heart naps.

Ramblings from a Healing Heart

I am supposed to be writing a paper on prayer right now. Obviously it is going well...

I'm having a hard time with blogging these days. There are a lot of things going on in my mind that I want to write about, that I want to confess, that I want to discuss, but the blogger world is so unknown and a bit scary. You never know who is reading these things. I feel a need to censor what I say and perhaps that's not a bad thing. I've been going through so much emotional stuff lately with the breakup but feel like it's hard to really talk about on here because I really want to respect Justin and our privacy. I don't ever want it to seem like I am bashing him or what we had together.

All that to say, I need to write some stuff out and I will do my best to continue respecting everyone involved.

I've had a very hard time letting go of our relationship. My head and my heart don't do a very good job of communicating with each other (I don't know if this is normal or if most people can get their hearts and their heads on the same page??). I know in my head the reasons that we broke up and I know in my head that they are good reasons. I know in my head that God is calling our lives in very different directions and I know in my head that God has big plans for me.

My heart doesn't get any of that.

My heart just kept saying, "but what if love really is enough?", "but what if we really could make it work?", "but what if God is now telling us to get back together?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?", "but what if...?????" "But what ifs..." suck. "But what ifs..." don't represent reality. The reality is, we broke up because that's what God wanted us to do and God has something different for both of us.

I found a verse in Deuteronomy that talks about obeying God's voice and His promise of faithfulness as we walk through all that entails. The exact verse is Deut. 4:31 if you want to look it up, but I paraphrased it (a very cool prayer approach that you should really try) into what God has been saying to me through it.

Dana, if you look for God, if you search for Him with all your heart and soul, with a genuine desire for His presence, you will find Him. When your heart is broken, when life seems to be crumbling and you are so shattered that you can't even find the pieces anymore, return to the Lord. Crawl to the Father and listen for His voice. And when you hear that voice Dana and you obey it, you have done well in your Father's eyes. Your God is one of mercy and love! He has promised you and all people before you to be the strength in your weakness. You have obeyed His voice and he will not abandon you or let you be destroyed in the aftermath. He is merciful!"

God has certainly been the strength in my weakness in the past three months. I don't know how I would have had the strength to continue facing the storm if I didn't believe that He was in control and that He has good things in store for me.

Awhile ago I was wallowing in my pain and my anger towards God and somehow through the wall I had worked so hard to build that morning, God said to me "Do you believe that I can heal this hurt?" Tears rushed to my eyes as I said, "I really need you to Lord. I can't do this much longer." And He replied, "I feel this hurt too, you know. Everything that wounds you, wounds me too, that's how close I am holding you to me. I created you and I love you and I want you to be whole. Do you trust me to heal this hurt?" And because I am so weary of the fight, and so tired of standing in the pain and so shattered some days that I can't find the pieces, all I could say back to Him was, "Yes. I believe."

"Yes. I believe." Some days those words come so much easier than others. Today they come easier than they did even two days ago. Justin and I are broken up. We are not getting back together. We are not able to remain friends (that's another thing! How in the world do people stay friends with their ex? I don't actually think it's possible.) It's time to really let go of whatever hope my heart has been trying to hold onto. It's not easy but it is getting easier.

Near the beginning of this whole journey, God continually brought the song "Be Still and Know" into my head. It became my prayer as I journeyed through some of the darkest days I have experienced yet. For the first long time all I could do was imagine myself laying in the embrace of Jesus as he sang my pain away, "Be still and know that I am God". Again and again I crawled back to His arms to have Him sing me to sleep with that. As I gained more clarity about what had happened and recognized that this pain was not going away as quickly as I would have liked, He promised to me over and over again, "I am the Lord that healeth thee". This is an ongoing promise. I still need to be reminded of it quite often. And just now I am starting to be able to sing back to Him "In Thee Oh Lord I put my trust". My trust falters often. And that's when I crawl back into Jesus' arms and He sings again "Be still and know that I am God".

Life is such a roller coaster

This man is amazing. I have no words to even describe how phenomenol the concert was, so I will just let you look at him and dream about how incredible he is.

I listened to his CD today in the car. And I smiled because my heart is happy.

In response to my last post, I am feeling much better. Lots has happened since then and the relationship is very much over and I suppose that that's the healthiest thing for now. It makes me sad that it ended the way it did, but I can finally let go and move on. It's about time. I've learned a lot about who I am, I don't like all of it, but as Janessa says, it's an opportunity to pick myself up and try again. I've failed once, that doesn't mean I will fail at life.

I Hurt

I hurt and when I hurt, I hurt people. This past weekend was very painful and difficult for me and without going into detail, I will just say that I came home very hurt and extremely angry. Here's the problem: When I am angry, I do not wait a day or two to calm down before I confront the source of my anger. I go in like a raging bull. Now in this circumstance I believe I had a right to be hurt and angry but I did not handle it well. I said things intentionally to hurt the other person and this is killing me. I have expressed my sorrow over what I did, but I know that there is still a lot of hurt and anger over what I said. This is killing me. It's not the first time I've done this, but I sure hope it's the last. Chalk this up to another goal for this year: Learn how to control my anger. At this point I will make a horrible wife, friend, counselor, pastor, and person.

Anyone have any advice? Any words of comfort? Condemnation? It's not possible to feel worse about myself than I currently do, so don't hold back, people.

Maybe don't bring it on 2008

I think there is a possibility that I am taking on too much this year. I have so far been to three of my four classes for this semester and I am feeling more than overwhlemed about the course load. Every week I have 2-4 assignments due and it is slightly retarded. I am also preaching on Feb 3 and have a sermon to prepare (here's hoping that I can use that sermon for a practice sermon for my preaching class). I also have a summer internship to prepare for. I have also joined a discipleship group at church in which we are striving to live missionally in this world and committment is crucial. I am on the small groups committee at church and really want to devote some serious time to developing a good resource library for the program. I have a lot of friends and I want to spend time developing good relationships. I was planning on picking up Friday shifts at the credit union to make some extra money and plus last semester I had too much extra time to be depressed after Justin and I broke up. I don't think that will be a problem this semester, therefore I think we will 86 the extra shifts.

Oh did I tell you that I joined the gym and am planning to run a 5k race on May 3?

I think I might be just a little bit crazy actually.

Bring It On 2008

Things that will happen in 2008 that terrify me:

1- I will receive my BA in Biblical and Theological Studies
2- I will preach at my church on Feb 3
3- I will do a pastoral internship at my church in the summer
4- I have no idea what I will be doing come fall
5- God will use me
6- I will grow
7- The possibility of everything unexpected happening is highly likely

Things that will happen in 2008 that excite me:

1- I will receive my BA in Biblical and Theological Studies
2- I will preach at my church on Feb 3 (it's a bit tough to include this on this list)
3- I will do a pastoral internship at my church in the summer
4- I have no idea what I will be doing come fall
5- God will use me
6- I will frow
7- The possibility of everything unexpected happening is highly likely

Magical Grasshoppers

True Story. This summer we had a grasshopper infestation. They were mostly confined to the basement, however we found two upstairs in our living room. Upstairs. I know that grasshoppers jump obviously, and that they would be able to find their way upstairs, but how without us noticing??

H'anyways. For awhile we thought that the Meadowood boys had maybe gotten us back from when we turned their kitchen into a beach in summer by invading our house with grasshoppers. Alas, it was not them. We do not know how the grasshoppers got into our house. We do not know. It's disturbing.

We thought the grasshopper infestation was over, seeing as it is winter. Last night I went into my bedroom (which is upstairs by the way) and there was a grasshopper sitting on my floor. How did it get there and why is it there in winter?

I grabbed a shoe and hit the grasshopper very hard. Then it dissapeared. DISSAPEARED! I don't know where it went. It was not on the bottom of my shoe. It was not on the carpet. It was nowhere in the surrounding area. There is no way it survived the whack I gave it. So where did it go? I don't know and it is disturbing me.

The grasshoppers have magical powers.

A Time for Confession

I'm a snob. No, seriously! I can really be a bitch. I'm not saying this facitiously or to draw attention to myself. I say this with no humor and with zero pride. This is an honest confession from a repentant heart.

I find myself looking down on others sometimes. I've thought a lot about my tendency to do this and I think I can trace it back to elementary school when I was the subject of extensive bullying. I've concluded that now that I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable with myself and I have plenty of wonderful, loving friends, I want to be the one who is exclusive, I want to control who is in my close circle of friends, I want my chance to be in the spotlight. That's a hard confession to make.

It's strange though isn't it? Most people who have been bullied are even more socially aware of those who are on the fringe of the group. Why have I gone the other way? I would never call myself a bully, but I am definitely a snob. On the other hand, I have huge compassion for people, but it seems that only for those people who I see as "worthy." I am heading into ministry. I must change this aspect of myself.

Lately God has speaking to this area of my life consistently. After Justin and I broke up, I stopped going to College and Career at our church. There were plenty of reasons for this, one being that it is just too hard to be in the same place as him at this point. However, there are a couple other reasons that are not nearly as legitimate. For one, I thought that I was too good for C&C. The group is very young this year and I have little patience for immaturity. So I deemed myself far more mature than them and decided I was too old for College and Career. And also, there are some people there who I have a very hard time loving. There is a particular group of girls that Justin has become friends with since we broke up. Initially it was the jealousy that got the best of me, but I got over that. Now it's just the way they look at me. They glare. I feel so much judgment and scorn coming from their direction. I am the hated ex girlfriend. Whether I have imagined it or not, it's there.

Yesterday I was singing on the worship team at church and I was standing onstage when they walked into the sanctuary. I started to shake and couldn't shake the feeling they were judging me. When the team sat down for the sermon I found myself praying that God would calm my heart and instead, he started to convict me. I had just finished saying to myself, "Dana, it doesn't matter what they think, you are not up there for them. You are there for God's glory and his glory alone. You cannot change their attitude toward you." And then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, 'You can't change their attitude toward you, but you can change your attitude toward them."

Wow. Talk about a kick in the pants. I've been so busy playing the victim here that I hadn't really realized that I could do something. That I HAD to do something. My attitude has been anything but Christian. I desire to live like a woman of God bur there are some ugly things inside of me.

So this is my confession to you. This is my next project. It's baby steps that sometimes go backwards, but I want to take responsibility for my life and the patterns I have chosen to create. I don't want to be a snob. I want to radiate God's love.

As a worship team we sang a new song (well, new to me anyways) for communion. I quickly grew to love it and it is my new prayer as I work through these things.

A Pure Heart - Rusty Nelson

A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A pure heart
That's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides your Word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one you rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases you, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to your throne

Breakup Blues

I hate the breakup blues. Perhaps the most frustrating part is that I don't even entirely know what emotion is behind them at this point. Is it just plain old anger? Left over hurt? Loneliness?

Breakup blues always hit at the most inopportune time. Like tonight when I need to teach myself half a semester worth of biology.

Dang you, breakup blues. Dang you to heck.

23, The Golden Year?

Hello friends, I'm back. After a lengthy hiatus from blogging, I am thinking I may make return every now and again. I've even updated my blog and made it all pretty and things. Don't you like it? I know you do.

Life has been interesting of late. How do I even begin? I've been rereading old blogs that I've written and have been marvelling at how much I have changed. A little more than a year ago I had a bit of a mini life-crisis before I turned 22. Perhaps you remember this post? I realized that I was very dissatisfied with how I was living my life and when I turned 22 I reevaluated what was important to me and who I wanted to be. My motto for the year was "a whole new me by 23."

I see now that that was perhaps a large goal, but the year proved to be very interesting and life-changing. Much of my time was occupied by a certain boy and that was fun. Perhaps a little all-consuming, but fun none-the-less. I loved dating and I loved being in love. I am made for relationship and that is now clear.

However, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of direction in my life. I had struggled for the past three years to determine a professional goal and my job in the financial industry just was not challenging me. Slowly, (although it seemed very sudden!) God began nudging me in the direction of vocational ministry. I've always said I never wanted to be a pastor. Never say never.

God has awakened in me this huge passion for people and ministry and developing leaders. I returned to school this year to finish my BA in Theology, this time with a clearer purpose. I have become involved in my church, in worship and small group development, and while I am terrified of actually getting paid to do this, I am learning to trust God to guide me.

I feel as though I have come into my own. When I turned 23 a month ago, my friends told me, "23 is the best year yet." At the time I had a hard time believing them. 23 started out pretty rough. Working through a break-up with someone I loved passionately was the hardest thing I've done yet, despite my clear understanding that it was the right thing. It is a horrific thing, to have to adjust to life without someone you loved and I cannot fathom the pain of a divorce or widowhood. I have had only the smallest glimpse of that pain and I could barely stand up under it at times.

However, like they all told me, time does heal. Oh, I'm not healed yet, but God has started to reawaken me with His joy. I have a new appreciation for myself, something I've never felt until now. I am proud of myself for listening to God's call in my life and making a very hard choice, for having the courage to stand in the middle of the pain and for refusing to back down in the eye of the storm. I have a direction for my life, one that is taking me on a journey of living God's will, a life of obedience. I have amazing friends and feel love pouring over me from many directions. I am blessed. And God is faithful.

I've Found Me

Strength, Courage and Wisdom
by India.Arie

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found


Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found


Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me


I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.


Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:


Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me


I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you

Sometimes things happen that no one can explain.

There is so much tragedy in this story that I don't even know where to begin.
My parents have very good friends, Ron and Diane Toews whom they have known since Bible School days. Our families got together occasionally growing up and I remember their kids as being talented, good looking and kind hearted. Yesterday my dad called me with the news that their son Nathan had been killed on Friday. He was 23. He, his wife, his brother and his 8 month pregnant sister-in-law were travelling to Calgary so Nate could lead worship in a friend's wedding on Saturday. As Nate was driving, an oncoming semi lost control and the trailer hit the Toews' car. Nate died instantly, his sister-in-law who was in the passenger seat is in critical condition (they delivered the baby and the baby boy is fine...named after his uncle who never got to meet him) and the two in the back seat were fine. Well, physically fine.
Nate and Rosanna were newly-weds, married less than 2 years I think. Now she's a widow.
Nate had just started a new job as the worship pastor at the church where my brother serves as the youth pastor. They're good buddies and my brother was so excited to be able to work with Nate. A church is without a pastor now.
Ron and Diane were on their way back from Africa when the accident happened. There was no way to reach them. They arrived at the airport last night to the news that their son was dead, their daughter-in-law might not make it and their world was entirely different.
I don't know what breaks my heart the most.
Situations like these make me wonder where the good is. How is God working in this? I know he is, but it sure is hard to see through all the tragedy. I spent a lot of time last night asking God why this had happened. A young woman's dreams for a life with a husband, raising a family, are shattered. Brothers who have lost a best friend. A newborn baby who will never know his namesake. A younger sister who has lost a role model. Parents whose hearts are broken. How do you explain this?
If you're the praying type, now would be a good time.

This is for Jenivere. She said I needed a new post. So here it is. Not very exciting, but here all the same.
I just got back last night from Coaldale Alberta. It was a very fun, very fast trip. The occasion was my good friend Michelle's wedding, and we drove out on Friday and drove back on Sunday. Way too much time spent in a car but absolutely worth it. She was so beautiful. And the wedding was a lot of fun. It was like a big CBC reunion with all our bible school friends. But if I never see the back seat of my car again, that would be fine with me.
Now I am back and enjoying a day off before I go back to work tomorrow. Sorry for the boring post.

It's a lazy kind of day

It's my day off today. I love days off...especially when I have nothing pressing that needs to get done. There are a ton of things I could get done, ie: go shopping for an outfit for all the May weddings I am going to, or organize all kinds of things in my house. But, no, today I am allowing myself to be lazy.

I have spent pretty much the entire day in bed, not neccessarily sleeping, but reading or wasting copious amounts of time on websites like Facebook and Myspace. Speaking of Facebook, I don't really like it, but I have reconnected with so many childhood friends from Coaldale that I am now thoroughly addicted. It's a dangerous game, that Facebook is.

I need to talk about this book that I've been reading over that last few days. Justin and I went to a Christian bookstore on Friday and found a book call "Questions Worth Asking Before the Ring". We bought it because it had cartoons in it and it looked funny. A lot of it is just common sense and I wouldn't have dreamed of telling everybody that we actually bought a book like this, but it's really made me think a lot about my role in our relationship, and I think that Satan is starting to have a heyday with me over it. This book just goes through major issues that arise in relationships and what to watch out for, trends, personality traits and habits that people have that should make us stop and think before meeting this person at the altar. And I've concluded that I am a terrible girlfriend. The thing is, I don't actually think that I am, but this book highlights a lot of things that I think I do wrong. I'm selfish, childish sometimes, I'm in a hurry to get married, I get concerned when Justin wants time alone that I have done something wrong, I am insecure and the list goes on. Stupid book! What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be mature, after all I am the older one in this relationship. But with every chapter I read, I find things that I am doing wrong and find myself thinking that Justin is perfect and why is dating me? I suck. There's nothing like a good relationship book to point out every failure in your life and show you what to work on. This all sounds so very negative and while a lot of it really does bother me, I like knowing that there are things that I need to work on. I need to learn to let him go a little, I need to not be selfish of him and I need to spend more time with my girlfriends. I need to work on being joyful even when life sucks, I need to not play childish games when I get mad at him. It gives me a project. Me. And I'm always a good project. Anyways.

I'm going to get back to being lazy now.

Here's a picture to leave you all with, for no other reason than the fact that I like pictures on blogs:

This is us having a very physical Easter egg hunt. It was amusing for those watching.

Uh huh. That's right.

I really wanted to go see John. The thing is, I was too poor to buy tickets. Today my wonderful, amazing, fan-fricken-tastic roommate informed me that her parents are giving her 4 tickets to the Cargill box for his concert on April 26. That's right. I'm going to see my friend John, box seats, for free. You only wish you were as cool as me.

Man vs. Woman

I got this as an email from my brother. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. In fact, my roommate came upstairs to see why I was choking on my supper. Not even joking. Laughing until choking.
The information in this email is surprisingly true. I actually didn't realize how true it was until I got into a realtionship. Then I realized how different men and women are. This email points out really how different they are. The truth that it tells was re-enforced by how loudly Justin laughed when he read it.
Enjoy, friends.

Man vs. Woman: The shower

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the
way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror,
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
Shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the
shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
And make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

They Say

They say "practice what you preach"
But how do you practice trust?

They say "faith heals all"
But how do you hang onto faith when things seem to be slipping away?

They say "love happens when you least expect it"
But once you stop expecting it to come, how do you expect it to stay when it arrives?

They say that "to be loved you must love yourself first",
But how do you put aside your fears and insecurities when you've allowed yourself to become vulnerable to someone else?

They say "there is nothing to fear but fear itself"
But how do you stop being afraid of a broken heart and shattered dreams?

They say that "great love comes with great risk"
But how do you convince your heart that the potential of huge reward is greater than the possibility of losing it all?

For these questions I have no answers
I have only a quiet voice in my heart saying,

"Be still and know, that I am God,
I am the Lord that healeth thee"

So I try to remain here with my hands open and say,

"In thee, O Lord, I put my trust."

A New Year

Happy New Year Friends.
I'm not really in the blogging mood, so I'm just mostly going to post some pictures about what has happened in the last two weeks. I got a new camera for Christmas and it has been well used thus far.

Caleb was out for two weeks. He can't possibly get any cuter.

Oh wait, maybe he can.

We got a huge snowstorm and on New Years Eve woke up to a lot of snow. This is what the driveway looked like..

We had to climb over the balcony to get out of our house.

But I had to get to work so we spent 2.5 hours shovelling our driveway and half of the street in front of our house.

I burst a blood vessel in my arm doing all this shovelling.

This past Friday the boys had us over for supper. It then nturned into a giant slumber party back at our house. Fun times have been had. And it's not letting me upload any pictures from that event. Sorry.

Finding my way

I'm reading this book. It's called "Stones of Remembrance" by Lois Evans. This is what I read the other night:
"...fear is no match for God. He creates goodness out of grostesque situations, and in the midst of our Jordan River, we remember where the Lord has delivered us in the past. These memories are souvenir stones of God's faithfulness. God can part the waters, God can dry the riverbed, God can make a way for us. He has done it before" (pg 19).
I've read that paragraph more than a few times. I have this thing with fear. And worry. I wouldn't say that fear and worry rule me, but I have that annoying tendency to give things to God only to take it right back again. You know what I mean. I think everyone does it. Isn't it a human tendency? Anyways, if I stop and think of all the times God has proved his faithfulness in my life, I wonder why I feel like I have to worry about things for Him.
I recently finished a book called "If Men are Like Buses, then How do I Catch One" by Michelle McKinney Hammond. I know you are all laughing that I read a book with that title. Actually, that's why I bought it....because it looked amusing. Despite a lot of the crap that was in it and a lot of the advise that I do not agree with, there was one wonderful underlying message that was very strong throughout the book: rest in God. She actually says at one point, "GIVE IT A REST". That hit me really hard. This has more to do with than just wanting a relationship with a man, although this has been the area it has been easiest to apply this lesson in. God is faitihful. Why do I worry? Does the power of my worrying change whatever situation I am worrying about? I'm pretty sure the power of God has it covered. So yes I have put my worrying over my single status to rest, but I have also found other ways to apply this lesson. Shortly after reading this book I went through a rough time when my future in my job was uncertain. There was a possibility that within four days I would have been without a job and I didn't sleep because I was worrying so much. Then, as I lay in my bed, I imagined myself in the arms of God, him comforting me and me relaxing in the power of his presence. I slept like a baby that night. And God was faithful and the job situraion was resolved. It was a powerful lesson.
I think everyone goes through a roller coaster relationship with God, where at times you feel so far away from him that you don't exactly know how to get back. That's been me for the past two years or so. Eventually I became so unhappy that I finally realized that resting in him, really resting and communing with him and having an actual relationship with him was what was missing in my life. So that's also what I've been working on. Resting in a real relationship. And then two nights ago I read this, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" Psalm 42:1-2.
Have you ever felt that much urgency to spend time with God? I don't know if I have, but I sure want to. That's the kind of real relationship I want to have with Him. One where I rest and trust and remember his faithfulness and where I cannot wait to have time with Him. That's what I want.

Here I am

Don't worry I am still alive. I know it has been weeks and weeks since I blogged last, and for that I am truly sorry. But I have been busy. And now here I am. So get over it.
Today is my day off! I have a full day off after 32 days straight of working at one job or the other. Some of you may say I am crazy and some of you may say that I must be making a lot of money. There is truth to both of those, but really I am not all that crazy and I'm not rolling in the dough either so there you go.
So what have I been doing with my day off you may wonder? Well I slept in late (which, as many of you know, is my absolute favorite-est thing to do ever), I read a bit, and for pretty much the entire afternoon I've been cleaning. I don't quite know how I let my room get so messy, but it really did and I just kept living in it without cleaning it up. I'm sure my roommates started getting annoyed when the mess started spilling out into the living room. I also knew it was time to clean when I was embarassed that my best friend, who knows all the worst things about me, was using my gross, dirty bathroom. So I promised myself I would clean today and clean I have. Basically all of my clothes were on the floor and now they all need to be washed so that is also an ongoing chore today. But I am almost finished and it feels good.
So for the rest of the day I plan to read some more, maybe nap, write a buttload of emails which I have been procrastinating on and I'm thinking I might go rent a dvd of House episodes and watch them until my face falls off. Sound good?
In other news, I am really hungry and am going to go find some food I think.
I will leave you with a picture of my nephew who just keeps getting cuter.

How safe do you feel?

Ok, so last night I was reading a friend's blog (click on the link to Michelle's blog on the right hand side of my page and check out her post called "what will they think of next"...I can't figure out how to get the link in here) and she was lamenting about how people are polluting the environment and other people's lungs by smoking. She laughed at the ludicrous (sp?) plan of some people to "save the earth" by riding their bikes everywhere but still proceeding to pollute the air with their cigarette smoke. I think this is a valid frustration. However, there are things in this world that concern me more. Such as the man who walked into an Amish schoolhouse and killed 6 little girls and himself and shattered the peaceful existence of an entire community. Or the 7 children (under the age of 12) in my city who locked a 14 year old disabled boy into a wooden shed and lit it on fire. Or the old man who comes into my work all the time who got his face smashed in by a gun-brandishing criminal who wanted to rob the place. Or the senseless idiot who jumped on my roommate's car window last week just to cause damage.
Am I concerned that some kid is riding his bike down the street smoking a cigarette? Yeah, but somehow I'm more relieved that he's not riding his bike down the street with a bomb strapped to his chest...

Lap of Luxury

I got a new job, I got a new job, I got a new job hey hey hey hey! (That was supposed to be a song in case you didn't catch on). Anyways, yes, after my brief stint at Staples which ended in me unceremoniously telling them to shove it, I have again been unemployed. Well, as unemployed as one can be while still having a full-time job. But anyways, after the wedding madness and moving fiasco was over, I again headed out with a handful of resumes and spent an entire day re-writing my resume onto various business application forms. Seriously, what is the freaking point of having a resume if you just have to put the same information down all over again onto a stupid application form. Anyways, I came home at the end of the day after handing out 15 resumes and getting one interview. This all was very interesting because I did this just after I had moved and MTS screwed up my phone service and no one could actually call me for an interview. I'm mildly curious about how many places tried to call me. Anyways, my interview was at Red Lobster and I am now employed by them as a server. I am very excited about this. It seems like a great place to work, with mostly friendly people who actually value customer service. I am excited. I had my first shift yesterday and I was training in the bar. I was a bartender for 2 years, so this wasn't overly difficult, but it's always a challenge to get to know another bar setup (especially since my bar was set up exactly how I wanted it and I didn't even have to look down to know which alcohol I was picking up). But over all it wasn't too bad. I do however realize how much I have to learn. Watching the servers run around was intimidating because that will be me next week and I am scared. Very very scared. But excited too. Wish me luck.

Question!

Is this not the cutest kid you have ever seen in your entire life???

Angels Brought Me Here

Alas, I have made my grand return to the blogging world! I know how much you all missed me and here I am. You can now be happy again.
My sabbatical was not planned, nor self-imposed but rather forced. I don't know how many of you have moved recently, but I have discovered that it is a lot of work. A LOT OF FREAKIN' WORK! I'm not talking about moving into a dorm room or moving out of your parent's basement and into your first apartment. I'm talking you and your roommates finding a totally different apartment to live in, one getting married and moving out of province, all three trying to remember exactly which kitchen utensils they contributed to the whole mess and trying to clean everything on a huge list the landlords handed you two days before you moved. I'm talking a "serious, pack up an entire house, moving like a real adult" kind of move. Simply put, it's a stressful endeavour. Never to be done again. At least not till I get married and can just pack up my stuff and leave without cleaning anything! (sound like anyone we know??)
Anyways, the move is over, but the settling is not quite done. After a week without a phone and numerous frustrating conversations with a very stupid phone company who wish to remain anonymous, we are now re-connected to the outside world...through a different phone company, who, by the way, are giving us our first 2 months FREE! FREE is a great word for all students. FREE is an especially great word for Mennonite students.
Our internet is also reconnected, but my wireless card and/or our router are not thinking on the same page currently, so my computer does not work. Frustrating, but liveable for the time being. But I am taking advantage of my roommate being away and updating you all on my exciting exciting life (thanks, Alicia).
We also have cable again. Lots of cable. Lots more cable than before. Even though we didn't change our service. We are not complaining. We like TLC. And TBS. And TVTropolis. It plays Beverly Hills 90210 ALL THE TIME AND WE ARE HAPPY.
Just this evening I was taking advantage of our plethora of cable and watching a documentary on conjoined twins, (nerd alert I know, but remember, I would still like to be a doctor one day) and I found it really moving. There was a story of a woman who was born a conjoined twin and lost her sister during the surgery that seperated them. The intense emotional bond that she still shared with her sister, although she did not physically remember her was deeply touching. I couldn't help but be jealous that I can't experience such a bond. Not that I would want to have been a conjoined twin, don't get me wrong. There was another story about 4 year old conjoined twins who were seperated last month and are now adjusting to life as total individuals. It showed how during their recovery they were very quiet and not totally lilke themselves until their request to share a bed was granted and they could be close again. It also highlighted the fact that these two tiny girls had captured the hearts of the country and people who were complete strangers were sending them gifts and well wishes. One lady, a complete stranger, sent the girls two beautiful princess costumes. It brought me to tears (I am becoming more and more like my mother, I know, and I'm also, surprisingly, becoming more and more okay with that fact). Anyways, the realization that there are still people with goodness in their hearts lifted me. For the past few weeks my heart has been very very heavy with the depravity of our world today and the evilness that is poured out every single day. I just finished reading "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini, which is a very honest look (a fictional story though) into life in Afghanistan and the horror that has happened there in the past decades.
I think my real concern for the world situation began with the threat of North Korea's missile program. It struck me then how much of a competition there is to be the most powerful in this world and it makes me so so sad. And terrified. The fact that there are men and women out there so fixated on being on top that they are willing to sacrifice millions of lives to reach a worthless goal is a sickening thought. The problem is that I don't know what I can do. How can I help? Does anyone have any solutions? My heart is so heavy.

This is Your Life

At my roommate's wedding two weeks ago, there was a slideshow. It was put together by her brother and, like all wedding slide shows, contained pictures of her and her new husband. The song her brother chose to play as these pictures scrolled through struck me in the weirdest way and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. The song was "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot. Now, I don't normally like posting song lyrics because it's so overdone, but one line of the chorus has been running through my head the past two weeks and it's really a very simple statement:
"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"
That's it. That's what it is. The rest of the lyrics to the song are mediocre, in fact, some of them don't really make much sense at all, but that line, that one line which is sung over and over, really hit me. This is my life. This is what I've got. Am I the person I want to be? The question isn't, "am I the person I want people to perceive me as being?", it's "is this who I want to be?" I have to differentiate that in my mind because that is a large struggle that God has brought me through in recent years, the whole life struggle of worrying about what other people think of me, and while I'm not totally there 100% of the time, I am happy to report that most of the time I don't really give a rip what people think of me.
But I care what God thinks of me. And I care if I am living up to my committment to being a woman of God and to be honest, I don't think that I have lived up to that in the past 2 years or so. I've made stupid decisions about how to spend my time and money, invested emotions into relationships I knew were bad, and have not lived as though I represent Christ. This realization makes me sad.
A friend asked me tonight what my dreams and goals were for this coming year. Having no idea what I want to do for a career or even where I will be working one month from now, I found that I had a hard time answering this question. But as I listened to the girls talk honestly about wanting to spend more time with God in the coming year, I realized that my goal and biggest dream this year is to start making life choices that reflect who I want to be. And who I want to be is a woman of God.
So this is my life. Am I who I want to be? Well, not exactly. But at least I'm going to do something about it.

Landslide

Uh huh. Those are the Dixie Chicks. For real. I saw them. They waved at me. They think I am cool.
I went to their show last night with my friends. Now, let's just set the record straight: I do not like country music. In fact, I detest it. I do whatever I can to avoid it. So, obviously, when my roommate asked me to go to the Dixie Chicks concert I said yes. No, actually I semi-laughed and said, "well, I sure wouldn't pay money to see them". Another thing you should know, I have always thought that the Dixie Chicks were especially obnoxious-sounding country musicians. So, "no", I said, "I don't want to waste my money on their concert". "oh," Alicia said, "well, my dad offered me four tickets for the Cargill box for the concert." Sweet."Heck yes," I said. I don't have to pay money to see them. Neither do I have to deal with people on the floor. Because we had BOX seats. It really pays to be connected to a high-ranking executive of a major corporation. It also helps if that person connected to the high-ranking executive is you roommate who loves you. It ALSO helps if said people are extremely generous. Which they are. w00t.
Anyways, we went and I was supremely impressed. This doesn't mean that I have converted to a country music fan, I still detest it as much as yesterday, but I have a huge respect for those three women we know as the Dixie Chicks. The musicality they possess is inspiring. They each play a myriad of instruments and play them very very well. They rip out vocals like it's nobody's business, and they genuinely seem to have fun. What's more, they look smokin hot doing it. Seriously. I applaud their hotness. They strutted the stage, playing their fiddles and banjos, for over 2 hours, in stillettos. Not a word of a lie. Huge, hot stillettos. H-O-T. I strive for hotness like that.
So, my point is, the Dixie Chicks have an unbelievable amount of musical talent. I can't deny that. Do I still think that Natalie Maines has an obnoxious voice? Yes. But their songs wouldn't sound the same without it. And she sings so effortlessly, it's impossible not to admire her. Last night made me remember why I am so in love with music. As if I could forget. Although the guy that is trying to sing on Canadian Idol right now is making me wish I didn't have ears. Pain. Lots and lots of pain.

At Last

I have been told that I don't post blogs often enough. Do I post less often than others? Perhaps. But the thing is, my life really isn't that interesting! Everybody always has interesting, funny stories to tell in their blogs. Me? Nothing funny or interesting happening really. But if an update is what you want, then an update is what you will get. (This is for you Tiff. Don't blame me if you get bored).
The last couple of weeks have bee fairly quiet. Just working and hanging out with friends. Actually, working has been nice because we have AIR CONDITIONING. I love AIR CONDITIONING. (I'm thinking that by putting AIR CONDITIONING in capital letters, you will truly understand how I feel about it). I love it. Mostly because I don't have it at home and it is hot. Very, very hot. I spend a lot of time at friends houses who have AIR CONDITIONING. (Don't worry guys, I'm not using you, I love being at your houses). So work has been great. Also, I should be getting full-time soon which means I get to spend 37.5 hours a week in AIR CONDITIONING.
Friends have been great as well. I spent the July long weekend at Alicia's cabin with some of her family (and her of course). We had a fabulous time. We hung out, read books, played games, went to church in the boat (seriously, lake-side church is an experience!) and generally relaxed. It was great. Then last weekend Alicia invited 8 of our other friends out there for the weekend and I joined them on Saturday after work. We had a good time of hanging out, playing games, lounging/napping/conversing in the conversation pit and again, just generally relaxing (with some other drama moments thrown in). So overall, a fabulous couple of weekends.
I've had the last couple days off and they have been productive. Yesterday I cleaned my entire house, which, while it was hot, sweaty work without AIR CONDITIONING, felt great to finally live in a clean place again. And then I got to hang out with friends who I don't see nearly often enough. Today I worked on my sunburn. Unfortunately I got ridiculous tan lines after my kayaking excursion with Heather in BC and I need to even them out before my roommate's wedding next month. So I was outside for a good hour and a half. Behind our house is a ditch/canal/whatever filled with water with grassy banks and that is where I parked myself. Except as soon as I laid down I immediately saw things crawling in the grass. I hate bugs. I am not much of a girly girl, but I do detest creepy crawlies. So I spent my hour and a half trying to convince myself that whatever was crawling in the grass was not ticks and that if I left them alone, they would leave me alone. And they did for the most part. I also got to watch the baby ducks! All of the sudden this whole passel of baby ducks came waddling up the bank towards me. I watched them come closer and closer and began to get concerned that the mama would get mad at me for being there, even though I clearly was there first. So I calmly stood up and slipped on my sandals so I could make a run for it if she got really mad (in my mind I just kept seeing Kev being attacked by that loon at the lake, and decided I didn't want a similar experience). But the duckies turned and waddled away, chattering amongst themselves all the while. Too cute for real life. So that was my suntanning experience. I came in slightly pink. Hopefully it won't be too bad, and it will even out those lines. Everyone, start praying now.
In other news, I got a job today. Staples called back and offered me a job, without having the third interview. Woot. So I start sometime next week. Which is good because I got my Visa bill today and nearly had a heart attack.
So all in all it's been a productive few days. I hope everyone has enjoyed this update. I am coming to realize that there are people reading my blogs who I didn't know were reading my blogs, which is great! Please leave comments so I know you are interested in what I'm writing. Sweet.

Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad

I had an interesting day at work today. It was pick-on-Dana day apparently. First, I was looking at our loans officers calendars to see what their days looked like and I noticed that Kevin had an appointment booked at 5 with Matt Dusk for a mortgage. I sat there and looked at it and just thought...no it couldn't be Matt Dusk the singer. So I decided I would just go ask, just to make sure. Well Kevin was on the phone, so I asked Grant. And Grant confirmed that, yes, it was Matt Dusk the singer and he had decided that since he had so many concerts in Winnipeg all the time that he would just buy a house here. I got really excited. Like, I mean excited. I got that nervous/excited feeling in my stomach and I was EXCITED. I also jokingly (well mostly jokingly) said that I was going to go home and get his CD so he could sign it for me. No, I wouldn't have actually gotten his autograph. At least I don't think so. Anyways, after all this excitement, Grant told me he was lying to me. Ass. No Matt Dusk for me.
So then there was the flower fiasco. My co-worker Erin got a dozen roses from her boyfriend yesterday (lucky girl, it happens about once a month). So we were all fighting about who got to enjoy them at their own desk. Isabel won for a while and had the flowers on her desk. All the members were asking about the beautiful flowers an Isabel lied to every single one. She told them it was her birthday, her anniversary, totally lied and passed them off as her own. We all had a good laugh until Erin stole her flowers back. Crap. So Isabel comes back from her lunch break with two dozen white long stem roses, which she gave to me! So I put them on my desk and enjoyed everyone's compliments on them. Except Isabel kept lying to them for me! She told them it was my birthday, that it was my grad anniversary, all kinds of things. One lady commented on them, and Isabel said they were from my boyfriend. "Oh wow" the lady said, "you must be very loved." And I just smiled. By then end of the day Isabel was telling people that these roses were from my second boyfriend. Apprently I had just gotten a second boyfriend and he was sending me flowers so I would pick him over my other boyfriend. She was lying out of her teeth! So I started the day today as a single woman and finished it as a woman with two dozen roses and two boyfriends. Sweet.

Hold On

Did I mention that I dressed my nephew in a little girl's onesie? I laughed at me, my sister-in-law laughed at me. My brother yelled at me.

The Sound of Fear

We live in a messed up world. Terrorist plots in Toronto, bird flu pandemics, murderers and rapists being set free every day despite their likelihood to re-offend...Shalom is a non-existent fantasy these days it seems.

One of our branches was robbed last week. I didn't hear about it until yesterday when it was reported that the same guy appeared in another of our branches yesterday. He left without incident, but shortly thereafter another bank in the near vicinity was hit. There were two other bank robberies in Winnipeg within two hours of that first one. The last one was violent. The guy was on the counter, waving a knife and demanding money. Those are not the kind of robberies you want(not that you ever want any kind of robbery), they are very traumatic. Anyways, makes me fearful. I've fortunately never experienced a robbery, but in my line of work, it's not a matter of "if", it's "when". So, prayers for safety are always appreciated.

Picture Perfect

Everyone, I would like you to meet my brand new nephew, Caleb Scott Petker. He was born on June 5, 2006 at 9:34 BC time, weighing in at 7 lb, 6 oz and just about 21 inches long. Everyone is happy and healthy from what I have heard and the entire family is ecstatic. I talked to my mom last night and she was nearly turned inside out with delight. I think even my dad teared up at the news. I know I sure did.

I can't believe that my brother is a daddy. The thought brings tears to my eyes. Good tears. Happy tears. Very proud tears. You have no idea how hard it is to not be there. When Darren called to tell me, I mean, I could tell him that I loved him and Judi, but it's just not the same as being there with them and sharing in their joy. My parents are already on their way out there...in fact they should be nearly there. What I wouldn't give to be able to see my mom and dad's faces the first time they hold their first grandchild. Oh gosh...the tears.

Anyways, I just wanted to share my joy with everyone. I get to go and snuggle him in 2 weeks and I just can't wait. Now I need to go find him lots of cute baby clothes, hopefully of the John Deere and Calgary Flames variety...

WOOHOO I'M AN AUNTIE!!!!!